searching for...

sometimes you just seem to hit a point where everything becomes just that little bit harder, and you question everything just that little bit deeper. why am i doing this? what do i want to do with my life? what am i trying to achieve? what am i doing to get there? it's fairly existential stuff and you'd think by my age i'd have figured out most of this stuff. but nope. in fact, i'm more confused than ever. i've always been jealous of people who know where they want to go in life and just get on with the business of achieving it. in school, when my classmates all said they wanted to be doctors or lawyers, police or artists, or even stay at home mums; i was jealous. i didn't have the first clue, it changed on an almost daily basis. i understand now that this had something to do with being a perfectionist (and therefore wanting to be good at everything) as well as chronically low self esteem (believing i was good at nothing). but more than that, deep down inside i'm a searcher. i search for new lessons, new experiences, new knowledge, new horizons. i'm not satisfied with sticking with the same thing. this is what is happening in two major areas of my life right now. my health and my career/study. even though i managed to lose a decent amount of weight all on my own, i knew that i could not stay in that place. i needed new things to challenge me, to change me. i needed a new path, new direction, more lessons and discipline. 12WBT has given me that in spades, and boy am i thriving on it. i'm now embracing workouts daily, trying to beat my achievements and replace old records with new ones. i'm loving trying new things with my food, and having to follow a strict regimen of calories to force me to be accountable. i took new measurements today and although my numbers may not be as impressive as some, they are amazing to me and i am stoked. i have to do a fitness test tomorrow to see how far i've come, and i'm both excited and scared. seeing changes in my appearance (yay for muscles, and yay for a slimmer wasitline) and feeling changes in my strength and cardio fitness is beyond good. i LOVE change. the other aspect of my life where this is noticeable is my career/study, but this is going in the opposite direction. i am so bogged down in the nitty gritty of my studies, that the big picture is almost completely obscured. i'm so sick of plugging away at the same thing day in day out, it's driving me bonkers. it's so messed up, here i am studying in the area that i am most passionate about in the world above all else... and i seriously can't be bothered. i think of what i have to do for my studies each day and feel so flat and dejected, i end up spending half the day procrastinating and ending up further and further behind. i wish i could somehow capture that enthusiasm and satisfaction i am getting from changes to my health and fitness and transfer them to my studies. instead i spend the day dreaming about what else i could be doing, and playing the game of wanting to be doing a million other things - anything but this. what it DOES however force me to do is constantly re-evaluate where i am going with this study, and what i want to do with my life at the end of it. more and more i feel the need to be more than one thing, to do more than one thing, in order to be fulfilled. at the moment my dream is to work in a policy or research role regarding violence against women and equality for 3 days a week, and doing photography 2 days a week. and of course still working out 6 days a week. leaving one day for rest. and cooking. and wine. and friends and family. and the beach. and shopping. and everything else that i love...

after the high must come...

the low. it's here. i knew it would eventually pop up and BAMMO. it's like while i slept my brain decided to throw itself a pity party and today i'm left picking up the pieces. the old me would have wallowed in the pity, indulged all the self-loathing, and retreated from the world believing it all to be conspired against me. after all, when things go wrong, it's just confirmation of the fact that i'm not good enough and i'm not supposed to do well in life, right?!?... and all those thoughts are still hanging around, almost tangible as if i could reach out and touch those feelings. a big part of me wants to give up. a big part of me feels i am a big fat failure. a big part of me hates myself. but a little voice inside says NO. i don't want to let life beat me, i want to fight, i want to keep perspective, i want to achieve! which is bizarre, because that little voice is fairly new to me. i've always managed to muddle through these lows, but my sense of self-worth and belief always takes a knocking and takes a long time to recover, only to get knocked around again the next time. vicious cycle really. i'm really not sure what to do with this new voice. i know it's there, and that in itself is a pleasing thought. but i have no idea what to do next, how to push the darkness and hopelessness away and let that voice take over. i feel like i need to end this post on a positive, but i'm just not sure where to go from here... i'm not sure whether to have a day off from study and have a 'be kind to myself' day, or whether to try and be really productive with study to boost my morale... sigh. this grown up thing is not all it's cracked up to be.

cha cha cha cha changes...

it's been a full week since my last post about the 12wbt process, and i can tell you a lot has happened in that time! not only am i now a dab hand at tweaking the nutrition plan, following the plan, exercising every day and falling into bed exhausted but happy every day... i'm also 2.5 kilos down. yep. two point five! the strange thing is i never really thought i would lose much actual weight. i knew i would get healthier, get fitter, possibly lose some excess fat and gain a bit more muscle, but the scales beg to differ. i am now officially the lightest i've ever been as an adult, and i feel much more confident and happy as a result. best of all, the changes are starting to be visible! i couldn't be more chuffed with it really. except for this one nagging doubt... you see, i'm not sure i can keep it up. i don't mean the eating well and exercising regularly. i don't even mean the constant calorie counting. i mean the loss. i'm so afraid if it being a blip, an anomaly, an unsustainable change that once my body adjusts to the new regime it will come back. i like feeling this confident and happy. i don't want to lose that. in fact i want that feeling to keep getting stronger to the point that the unhappy fat girl in my head is but a distant memory, banished forever and replaced with a new confident in my own skin healthy me that tells me i'm good enough. but what if that doesn't happen?! analysis paralysis. yep that's me. overthinking it all yet again. i so desperately want to believe that i can maintain this momentum, and that these changes are here to stay. but... baby steps. for now, without overthinking it, i am truly stoked so far.

some early thoughts

so here i am midway through day 4 and already i'm noticing the changes. i'm eating less and much better, though still going to bed a bit hungry each day. i'm also consciously working out more and harder in an effort to reach the goal of ~500 calories per workout. the diet has been a bit of a challenge but after my initial panic i approached it in a more flexible and creative way and now i'm feeling very positive about the meals, but it took me 2 days to go through that process, and i know it will be the same again next week. hopefully after a few weeks i'll have it down pat and be able to sort through it all and make appropriate changes quickly and easily without having to double check calories and nutrient content etc! with the workouts the biggest change has been in how i feel afterwards. i know i'm pushing myself just that little bit extra now because my muscles are starting to fatigue, i'm exhausted at the end of the day, and completely lathered in sweat at the end of each workout. though i suppose it doesn't help that it's so warm this week - 36 degrees means double the sweat! but by far the biggest change has been my mindset. not so much the 'i'm awesome' kind of change - though hopefully that will come, and stay - but more of the 'this is doable and i can't believe so many people lead such unhealthy lives' kind of mindset. i've had that feeling on and off for a few years now, ever since i started living a much healthier life while trying to lose weight for the wedding, but it's come back with a vengeance. well, they say there are none so enthusiastic as the newly converted! in focusing in a more determined and structured way on my own health, i have noticed with alarm the unhealthy choices of the people around me. even just going through the process of identifying my excuses, means that i now see them everywhere in other people. loads of 'it's too hard' and 'i don't have time' or 'i'm too sick' or 'the kids make it hard' etc. and especially when it comes to food, it's amazing how good we are at convincing ourselves that unhealthy food is ok, with the old 'one bit won't hurt' and 'sugar makes me feel better' and one of my old favourites, 'i NEED chocolate/cake/insert dish of choice here'. my immediate reaction when i see or hear this is a palpable urge to tell them no, you don't NEED chocolate, chips don't make everything better, and it's not too hard and you're not too busy. but then i stop myself. who the hell am i to judge these people?!?!?! i don't walk in their shoes. and the whole reason i'm doing 12wbt in the first place is because i needed to relearn some good habits and get back on the straight and narrow. and so i'm left in a quandary. i want my loved ones to be healthy, to be active and live life to the full. i don't want them to feel they can't, i want them to KNOW they CAN! but i'm not yet in a position to offer much help, after all someone has to want to change, noone else can do it for them. hm. already my journey about 'ME' has extended to other people. how very me.

panic attack

So it turns out that today is the day that I got my meal and fitness plan for week 1 of the 12 week program starting next week. I nervously clicked on the meal plan tab to see what my future would bring, hoping for inspiration and new ideas and beautiful healthy food... and was a little confused by what I saw. Staring back at me were a bunch of meal ideas that closely mirrored my current diet, in fact they contained even less fruit and veg than my current diet (though to be fair also much less alcohol and 'naughty' bits and pieces). Some of it looked interesting and new and exciting, but even with fancy photography, some it looked rather... well, uninspiring. In fact, down right dull. I recognise that the whole point is to change habits, and that 'tasty' food often means food that is high in fat and/or salt and/or sugar and/or carbs. And I know that some of these I need to work on and cut down. There's a reason I struggle to stay under 1200 calories a day! But I'm starting to panic a little... As a self-confessed foodie who tries very hard to eat clean and nutritiously 90% of the time, I was hoping for something more. Perhaps this is the issue - perhaps my expectations are too high. After all, I don't have a lot to lose, I know I already eat well (most of the time) and get a good amount of varied exercise (as the results of the fitness test attest). I'm a competent cook and my fridge is full of fresh fruit and veg. I just needed that extra push, the bit extra motivation and inspiration to get me back on track and get those good habits more deeply entrenched and get my head in a good space. But I'm a little apprehensive. Will this program give me that? To be fair I have improved both in my thinking and my habits since signing up, and have noticed improvements to my strength, fitness and waistline already. Perhaps for me this is not so much about the food and exercise, but about the accountability and structure. Well I guess we shall see...

12WBT pre-season

It has been far too long since I posted anything on my blog, and I figured this was the perfect time to start it up again. After struggling with my self-image, my eating and my fitness on and off for a while, a very dear and amazing friend signed me up to Round 1 of the Michelle Bridges 12WBT. She knew I needed structure, I needed accountability, I needed guidance and support, and I needed new challenges and ideas to get me back on track and feeling positive and healthy like never before! I've been embracing all of the pre-season tasks which has been an interesting and rewarding experience. From identifying my excuses and bad habits, setting goals and chucking out bad food, to doing a fitness test and about to take a heap of measurements (scared!!!!) it has been an amazing journey so far! With less than a week to go I wanted to create a space where I could record my highs and lows, my triumphs and failures, and the rollercoaster that this journey represents. As an over-sharer all of my life, it's important to me to be able to make what I'm going through seem real and valid. So here it is, in all it's naked truth... my 12WBT diary. I'm hoping it will enable me to engage in some critical thought and self-reflection, and understand not only where I am coming from but also where I am going. My weaknesses are 'treats' and eating 'because it's there' - both stem from my childhood where treats were rare and we made the best of it while it lasted, and from often not having a lot of food so you eat what you're given and that plate better be clean by the end of dinner or you'll go hungry! I don't blame my family for this at all, I was surrounded by love and I know they did the best they could and more, often making big sacrifices to give us all sorts of things and experiences. But understanding where it stems from is important if I'm going to be able to conquer it. I am also a bit of a perfectionist, which is a double edged sword. On the one hand it brings with it a disproportionate fear of failure, and I often give up easily or don't even try because I'm so afraid of failing. I am horribly hard on myself. But in the spirit of being positive, I also recognise it gives me the ability to aim really high and push myself really hard in order to meet those goals and standards. My strengths lie in my stubbornness, and my strong desire for a fulfilling life. I have more willpower than I give myself credit for, and ever since I was little I would respond well to any comments along the lines of 'you can't do it', especially if finished with 'because you're a girl'! I'll show you, I think to myself. I'll show you and then some! I know I respond well to a challenge, and to encouragement that pushes and supports. I also have big dreams for my life, for my future, and I don't want anything getting in the way of that. I'm a planner from way back (part of the perfectionist streak), and I can plan like nobody's business, and if anything gets in the way of my plans I will do whatever it takes to remove it or get past it. So that's me in a nutshell. Bring it on!

It ain’t easy being green

As so perfectly summed up by Kermit the Frog all those years ago, it is indeed hard being green. Even now in this supposed enlightened age with greater access to information and services than ever before, it’s still a struggle. Not because it’s hard to get your cardboard and bottles recycled, or even because it’s still prohibitively expensive for many people to access solar and wind power. And I’m certainly the first to chime in when discussing the difficulties of being greener and healthier by riding a bike to work, don’t get me started!

I’m talking more about difficulties at a political and cultural level. Despite all our improved knowledge and sharing of information, being environmentally friendly or sustainable is still seen – socially and politically – as being a bit fringe. A bit out there. Sure everyone now puts their newspapers and bottles in their recycling bin, but anything slightly out of the ordinary and by golly, are you off hugging trees or something mate?!?! We all WANT to be seen to be ‘green’ but few of us do enough really, and I include myself in that.

And I think the main reason for this is our cultural obsession with materialism. We all want the latest and greatest. Latest fashion trends, new and pretty home furnishings, newer better cars, bigger houses, the list goes on. And I confess I’m a sucker for it. I love walking through the mall and seeing new pretty shiny things in windows. I walk through my house sometimes and dream of how nice it would be to have a big wardrobe to put everything in, or a nicer TV stand or a better coffee table. We've been brainwashed into thinking that having new 'things' will make our lives better, make us look better, make us better people. The problem is that sure having these new things would give me a vague sense of satisfaction and excitement of a new ‘thing’, and they may even make my daily life easier/neater/cleaner/prettier. But at the end of the day, they’re not things that I NEED are they?! I have drawers full of clothes, I have a coffee table that does the job just fine, and though a proper wardrobe WOULD be good, the porta-robe is doing the job for now.

It’s really quite hard, despite my best efforts and intentions, to find a happy balance that I know is not too materialistic yet still allows me to want and have nice things sometimes. I’ve lately really enjoyed getting into vintage and preloved clothes and accessories, not just for the awesome retro fashion but because it’s a great form of recycling and I love to think about the stories behind the pieces, who used to wear them, where they’ve been etc. As much as I love new clothes, it saddens me to know they generally come from some factory in China where women are getting paid minimum wage to churn them out then we get slugged some huge amount. It’s the same with new furniture, being churned out of a factory somewhere in Vietnam or Korea to feed the monoliths like Ikea. Trees being chopped down, chemicals being burned, minerals being stripped from the earth, oil being burnt. When you stop and think about it, it can leave you feeling rather depressed and with a headache to boot.

I know I will never stop buying new things entirely, but for the month of October I’m embracing a new concept and campaign called ‘Don’t Buy Anything New Month’. For the entire month of October, any clothes new to me will be preloved or altered. Any other ‘things’ new to me will be likewise preloved. I will abstain from ‘treating’ myself to some nice but unnecessary body lotion or lipgloss. I have enough really. I’m hoping that it will make me really understand and appreciate how much ‘stuff’ I often buy and how little of it I actually need. Hopefully I may even save some money – hurrah! And by the end of the month, despite my absence from the consumerism carousel, I won’t be seen as fringe or a tree-hugger (though I’d like to put it out there that there’s nothing wrong with hugging trees!), but my new-found sense of reduced materialism will be permanent or even contagious.

I would LOVE to get solar power, I really would, but as a full time student sadly that’s just not going to happen any time soon. I need to reconcile myself and be OK with doing what I can, and understanding that it’s always more than we think it is if we just make the effort. After all, it ain’t easy being green, but that’s no reason not to try a little harder.