Inspired by a close friend who has done 20 days of gratitude (where each day you write about something that you are grateful to have in your life), I have decided to collapse this simply into my personal top 20 list of things that I am grateful for. It's made me really sit back and take stock of my life and focus on the big and little things, the things that are obvious and the things that are part of the furniture, the things I have worked hard for and the things I have had the immense good fortune to have in my life. SO here they are, in no particular order (well, except maybe the first one)...
1. My partner. I am so grateful to have met my best friend and soul mate, and to be able to share my life with such a wonderful human being who supports and ecourages me, respects and admires me, laughs and cries with me, and loves me as I am.
2. My health. Despite getting a little older (though not necessarily wiser) and noticing things slowing down and starting to creak just a little, I am otherwise in excellent health. My organs all work, I have all my teeth, my legs get me to where I'm going, my arms are able to hug, my eyes can see, my ears can hear, my mouth can talk and taste, my skin can touch and feel, and my brain can take it all in and help me get through every day.
3. Fresh air. In this wide open country we are lucky enough to have fresh air to breathe that is not too heavily congested with pollutants. Sure when I'm riding through traffic I hate getting a lungful of stinky fumes from the bus in front of me, but generally my lungs are clear and I am getting all the oxygen I need.
4. Clean water. This is a big one. I am so lucky to be able to turn on a tap just about anywhere and out comes clean drinkable water! Incredible! Half of the world's population doesn't have this. Not only is it clean and drinkable (if a little icky tasting here in Radelaide), but there is such an abundance of it that I can flush it down the toilet! I can shower daily in it! I know it is always there, even in the worst grips of a drought. I guess I can add power to this too. Because I flip a switch and bam, the light goes on. Every. Time.
5. My friends. I have such an amazing network of friends who all love and support me. Some I see more than others, some I am closer to in temperament or spirit or world view, some are old and some are new. But I love them all and they each give me so much in terms of keeping my mind open, learning new things and becoming a stronger more positive human being.
6. My family. Despite our differences - and there are many - we all love each other very much. I know my parents and siblings will always love and support me, regardless of whether they agree with me. I don't just think it or feel it, I KNOW it, and I am blessed to have such stability and certainty.
7. Summer. I know this must seem like a strange one, but it's more symbolic in what it represents. Our climate is so wonderful that for around 6 months of the year you can sit outside to eat and drink, go down to the beach, spend a LOT of time outdoors, get plenty of sunshine on your skin and in your heart, and generally feel wonderful about the world. Sure those 43 degree days are almost unbearable, but they are monumentally outweighed by all the happiness and promise that summer holds.
8. My education. This is a biggie. My family was always strong on making sure we had a good education, and always encouraged me to do my best, to push myself and reach for the stars. They encouraged me to go to University, where I grew exponentially both in knowledge and in spirit. I have always had a deep-seated desire to know more, to understand more, and to make the world a better place. Happily I passed on the Miss Universe pageant and worked my guts out to get to where I am now - PhD land - and will continue to further my knowledge and understanding throughout my life.
9. I am white and middle class. By dint of luck, I was born to a white family living in the Western world. We were never well off, but we had enough to get by and we were rich in love. Since my teens I have been fiercely independent and have fought hard to pay my own way, to learn and to grow, and to better myself. Though I have encountered much sexism and misogyny in my life, an plenty of anti-pom sentiment, I have never know racism, I have never been unfairly judged due to the colour of my skin. I have been able to work with the system to pay my own way and forge a life for myself that i am happy with and proud of. I know I am lucky.
10. The roof over my head. This is tied in with a few other things I have already mentioned, but I am so grateful that I have a stable roof over my head. We can't afford much, but we have enough to pay our rent and buy food to eat and pay our bills. Regardless of the pros and cons of renting vs buying, we live in a wonderful area in a wonderful house. I am so grateful and never take it for granted.
11. Good food. I am constantly amazed at the array of wonderful nutritious food that is available to me. Fresh fruit and vegetables daily, plenty of variety. It is because I have such wonderful access to a wide variety of nutritious foods that I am able to choose to be vegetarian - I don't have to rely on meat for my protein etc because I have access to plenty of other options inlcuding mushrooms and legumes and soy-based products like tofu and nuts and eggs and dairy. I even have enough space where I live (and enough access to water!) to grow my own vegetables and bake my own bread. Billions of people across the world don't have such a luxury, they have very little food and very little variety. Starvation and malnutrition are commonplace. I am so grateful that I will never have to worry about it because I am surrounded by such wonderful good food.
12. Opportunity. I have been blessed with many opportunities in the past and am grateful that there will be many more in my future. When I speak of opportunity I mean in regards to being a productive member of society. I have had many jobs, some fantastic some not so great, but all of which I've learned from and have helped me become the person I am today. I have been given the opportunity to go to University through HECS (the government paying my fees and me being able to pay it back without interest when i can afford it) and through AUSTUDY (a student living allowance from the government), and now through the offer of a scholarship for my PhD. I know that in this country there will be many more opportunities for me when I graduate, some better than others but I am grateful that I have the certainty that when I graduate I will be able to get at least some kind of decent job.
13. Space. Not outer space, though that's pretty awesome in itself, but the space around me. I live in a country, and indeed in a city, where space is in abundance. My house is plenty big for the two of us, my backyard is big enough to grow vegies in while still be able to run around or host dinner parties. My city is well spaced, with plenty of room for me to get around in without cramming against everyone else. There are plenty of spaces in which I can go for a run or a hike and be the only person for miles. Plenty of green spaces with trees and grass and trails. Plenty of sunlight getting in between buildings both in the city and suburbs. Pretty neat.
14. Safety. With one notable exception, my personal safety has always been fairly secure. I live in a country, and a city, where levels of crime are fairly stable and comparatively low on a global scale. I am not being persecuted for my religion, my culture, my politics, my sexuality, the colour of my skin or my name. The government, though not without its faults, does not interfere with my life. I pay my taxes but do not have to worry about paying corrput officials or militia or vigilantes. I do not live in fear of being bombed or shot. I can voice my opinion, I can be different, and I am safe. So many cannot. How lucky am I.
15. Autonomy. I have full political autonomy; I can vote according to my own values and beliefs, ideas and opinions. I don't have to tell anyone how I vote, no-one can tell me how to vote, I can tell representatives of political parties to leave me alone, and I can voice my opnion. Pretty awesome really. I am in charge of my own life, I make my own decisions about what I do, where I go, what I wear, what I think and what I want. I am grateful for this freedom that so many around the world do not have.
16. Feminism. Even though it's often seen as a dirty word or irrelevant - even Margaret Thatcher herself declared that "I owe nothing to feminism" (I don't think she saw the irony) - I feel I owe a lot to feminists past and present. They fought to give me full franchise (see above), they fought to give me full access to education and the workplace. They fought for maternity leave, for equal rights and equal pay. They fought to criminalise sexual harrassment, discrimination and sexual assault. I enjoy all of these benefits and more. Though there is still much to be done in achieving equality, even in this country let alone globally, so much has already been accomplished and I am forever grateful.
17. Wine, cheese and chocolate. Ok, so these are perhaps a little frivolous, but they are my favourite indulgences (hence I have grouped them together) and I am grateful to the many men and women over the years who have discovered and refined these products to what they are today. I enjoy them so much as one of life's pleasures, and thanks to my incredibly lucky access to such wonderful food (see above) I am grateful that I can experience and enjoy such luxury items.
18. Belly laughs. Because they make me feel so damn good. And they remind you that life can be fun and wonderful and invigorating. You know the ones, they scrunch up your face and laughter comes tumbling out of your mouth from way down deep in your tummy. I am grateful for everything that causes these.
19. My creative outlet. That's right, my little camera. I am thankful that I have found a creative outlet that I love so much and that brings me so much joy and satisfaction. From my partner who bought me my camera, to my wonderful friends and family who offer me advice and support and guidance and camaradery, I am forever grateful.
20. Communication. I am grateful for the fact that I can sit at this computer and type this and not only will the internet beam it across to your computer where you can access it, but the jumble of letters will make sense to you and you will understand me (hopefully anyway!). I can pick up the phone and call someone and we can talk, even though we might be miles apart. I can call someone on their mobile phone in the middle of the desert (well, if they're with Telstra anyway!). I can start up the camera on my computer or ipad or phone and beam a live video of me across to someone else, and have a pseudo 'face to face' conversation. I can post some thoughts or some photos to facebook and all my friends and family across the planet can see them. I am grateful to have such a wide variety of technologies available to me. But more than that, communication, be it face to face or a letter or a skype call or a phone call or a blog post or whatever, is about sharing. Sharing ideas and thoughts, perspectives and insights, ways of seeing and knowing, ways of thinking and doing, sharing love. Our written and spoken language, our physical gestures, are all about conveying who we are to each other. Pretty awesome stuff.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
slut or not, rape is still rape
Starting as a localised protest about the remarks made by a policeman in Canada who blamed a woman for being raped because of the way she dressed, Slutwalk has become a worldwide phenomenon of women who are fed up of being blamed for rape. Since the 1960s, women have had to continuously fight against a culture of victim blaming that seeks to maintain the power imbalance between men and women. It breaks my heart that 50 years later, despite many inroads towards gender equality, we are still fighting that fight.
We all know what this culture looks and sounds like, we live it every day. We see it in the media, on the streets, and even in our personal lives.”She was asking for it”, “she was flirting with me”, “she was drunk”, “she said no but she really meant yes”, “she’s slept with others”, “she was dressed like a slut”. These rape myths seek to reinforce sex roles that see men as entitled to sexual fulfilment and in control, and sees women as sexually subordinate and existing for men’s gratification. Men take, women are taken. It is ironic that despite men having all the power and control, women are the gatekeepers of sex. Women are the ones who must say no, must fight back, must not be provocative, and must not get intoxicated. These rape myths all lay the responsibility of the rape at the feet of women.
But they don’t exist in some abstract universe, they exist in everyday people. They are a pervasive and insidious part of our culture. So much so that they have appeared in police statements, medical records, court proceedings and even in judge comments. They are so insidious that they even exist in you and me. It hurts to say it, but it’s true. I grew up with family members who thought this way, with peers in school who thought this way, with media that portrayed it this way. And you did too.
Thankfully as adults we have the opportunity to think more consciously about it and realise that these rape myths are total and utter bullshit. That no woman is responsible for being raped, no matter who she is, what her sexual history, what she had been drinking, how much she was flirting, or what she had been wearing. That no really does mean no. But sadly not everyone takes the opportunity to think consciously about it. Our cultural understanding of rape is dominated by these myths, stereotypes and mistruths.
This is what Slutwalk was about. It was about bringing attention to the fact this our cultural understanding of rape has not fundamentally changed in 50 years. It was about saying enough is enough. It was about using that wonderful term of derision – slut – to take away some of its power, because lord knows, it gets bandied around way too much when discussing women’s behaviour and attire.
I often get asked what I think about “slutty” clothes and behaviour, because it presents a very real and practical conundrum. One the one hand, without a question in my mind women (and men for that matter) should be able to wear whatever they please, and express themselves in whatever way they please so long as it does not harm anyone else. I may think it rarely looks classy, or even sexy, but they are my values and tastes and I won’t impose them on others. However, on the other hand it is clear to anyone that has been out in public that wearing revealing clothing and behaving in a sexualised way will attract attention. Most of that attention is benign, ranging from Grannies shaking their heads to young blokes thinking wahey! But there is also a certain amount of attention that is sexualised, that sees it as an invitation to take advantage. It shouldn’t, but it does.
And therein lies the rub. That is the part of our culture that needs to change. While there are people in our society who think that women who dress or behave “provocatively” (and I use that loaded term loosely) are inviting sexual assault, then there is still a need to keep fighting for cultural change. Because in this day and age surely we all know by now that it’s not just ‘innocent’ women who can be raped. “Sluts” can be raped too. No-one deserves it, and no matter what the circumstances the only person who is responsible is the rapist. Full stop.
We all know what this culture looks and sounds like, we live it every day. We see it in the media, on the streets, and even in our personal lives.”She was asking for it”, “she was flirting with me”, “she was drunk”, “she said no but she really meant yes”, “she’s slept with others”, “she was dressed like a slut”. These rape myths seek to reinforce sex roles that see men as entitled to sexual fulfilment and in control, and sees women as sexually subordinate and existing for men’s gratification. Men take, women are taken. It is ironic that despite men having all the power and control, women are the gatekeepers of sex. Women are the ones who must say no, must fight back, must not be provocative, and must not get intoxicated. These rape myths all lay the responsibility of the rape at the feet of women.
But they don’t exist in some abstract universe, they exist in everyday people. They are a pervasive and insidious part of our culture. So much so that they have appeared in police statements, medical records, court proceedings and even in judge comments. They are so insidious that they even exist in you and me. It hurts to say it, but it’s true. I grew up with family members who thought this way, with peers in school who thought this way, with media that portrayed it this way. And you did too.
Thankfully as adults we have the opportunity to think more consciously about it and realise that these rape myths are total and utter bullshit. That no woman is responsible for being raped, no matter who she is, what her sexual history, what she had been drinking, how much she was flirting, or what she had been wearing. That no really does mean no. But sadly not everyone takes the opportunity to think consciously about it. Our cultural understanding of rape is dominated by these myths, stereotypes and mistruths.
This is what Slutwalk was about. It was about bringing attention to the fact this our cultural understanding of rape has not fundamentally changed in 50 years. It was about saying enough is enough. It was about using that wonderful term of derision – slut – to take away some of its power, because lord knows, it gets bandied around way too much when discussing women’s behaviour and attire.
I often get asked what I think about “slutty” clothes and behaviour, because it presents a very real and practical conundrum. One the one hand, without a question in my mind women (and men for that matter) should be able to wear whatever they please, and express themselves in whatever way they please so long as it does not harm anyone else. I may think it rarely looks classy, or even sexy, but they are my values and tastes and I won’t impose them on others. However, on the other hand it is clear to anyone that has been out in public that wearing revealing clothing and behaving in a sexualised way will attract attention. Most of that attention is benign, ranging from Grannies shaking their heads to young blokes thinking wahey! But there is also a certain amount of attention that is sexualised, that sees it as an invitation to take advantage. It shouldn’t, but it does.
And therein lies the rub. That is the part of our culture that needs to change. While there are people in our society who think that women who dress or behave “provocatively” (and I use that loaded term loosely) are inviting sexual assault, then there is still a need to keep fighting for cultural change. Because in this day and age surely we all know by now that it’s not just ‘innocent’ women who can be raped. “Sluts” can be raped too. No-one deserves it, and no matter what the circumstances the only person who is responsible is the rapist. Full stop.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
look once, look twice, look bike!
As a regular commuter on my bike for some time, I've seen some pretty poor behaviour over the years. Some of it from pedestrians, some of it from other cyclists, and most of it from mostorists. I have always maintained that it is the responsibility of everyone who uses the road to do the right thing, to behave appropriately and to be considerate.
I believe that sadly there is a certain proportion of people in this world who are selfish wankers. You know the ones, we've all met them or worked with them: they're the people that are always rude, obnoxious, treat other people badly, and think that it's all about them. It turns out that some of them ride bikes, and some of them drive cars. Honestly I've seen some cyclists that give me the absolute shits, blatantly running red lights, riding on the footpath, and generally doing stupid things that inconvenience others. I hate these guys because they give the rest of us a bad reputation. In that grand old tradition of tarring everyone with the same brush, many people who can't think for themselves simply see cyclists behaving badly like this and assume that all cyclists therefore are wankers.
And I've seen plenty of evidence of motorists behaving badly too. Opening car doors onto oncoming cyclists, driving too closely, cutting bikes off, beeping and yelling abuse, not giving way and pulling out in front of oncoming bikes. I see at least one of these thing happen most days that I ride - that is no exaggeration. It would be so easy for me to fall into the trap of tarring all motorists with the same brush ad assuming that they're all wankers. But of course I know they're not, because I'm aware enough to realise that for every motorist that behaves badly, there are countless others who go about their business doing the right thing, and in fact many who are very polite and give way to me when they don't have to or give me a very wide berth just to be safe.
It would be wonderful if everyone, cyclists and motorists, could stop and think for a moment and realise that despite that small proportion of cyclists and motorists who do the wrong thing and behave badly, there is a huge proportion who get on with it and do the right thing, are considerate and polite, and follow the road rules. You tend not to notice them as much as the bad eggs because they fade into the background, because they're behaving the way that they should. And without wishing to sound like a Miss Universe contestant, wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along for once.
But I would like to make one distinction. Without a doubt bikes can be very dangerous and cause a lot of damage. But cars and other vehicles, they are deadly weapons. The amount of damage they can cause to each other is vast and undeniable, let alone to a cyclist. I posted last year about a crash I had where a car cut in front of me without seeing me, sending me careening into the side of the car at around 30kmph. Needless to say the occupants of the car were completely without physical impact - though they were visibly upset and shaken - whereas I ended up covered in bruises, stiff and sore, with my wheel buckled. I was lucky to not receive more serious injuries because I was able to stay upright. This power differential is undeniable, and will never change. I believe that it therefore places an extra onus on motorists - as the drivers of vehicles that can cause a serious amount of damage - to take greater caution around cyclists (and others in general).
I want to relay one other story. A couple of weeks ago I witnessed some of the worst road rage I have ever seen. Another cyclist overtook me (yes, sadly he was much fitter than I!) completely legally, and I even had time to look over my shoulder as he did so and noted that there was plenty of room in the lane to do so with a 4WD behind him in the lane. However, the driver of the 4WD took umbrage that this cyclist was in front of him (shock horror, he couldn't accelerate as fast as he would have liked, which woudl actually have been pointless as there was a red light up ahead) and proceeded to chase down the cyclist and swerve into him. The cyclist, shocked as he was, was able to get out of the way in time, and as the light turned green he took off again (might I add I was right behind the other cyclist this whole time, and we were both following the road rules and doing everything right), when the driver swerved again into where we were riding, narrowly missing both of us. We had to stop as he had completely blocked our path. He then proceeded to get out of his car, which he had stopped in the middle of a busy lane in the city, and verbally abuse the other cyclist. The other cyclist looked bewildered, said that he was sorry if he felt inconvenienced, and then managed to ride off again. At the next set of lights the driver did the same thing again, swerving into us and narrowly missing both of us, before he opened his window and yelled abuse again, then sped off. I was so shocked and upset I had trouble cycling all the way home. That man had gotten into such a rage over a trifling minor inconvenience which was completely legal, and used his massive car as a weapon. He could have easily knocked one or both of us off our bikes if we weren't being so careful and anticipating his erratic and boorish behaviour.
Think about that for a moment. A perceived slight resulted in a great big 4WD being used essentially as a weapon to intimidate if not harm. I can't imagine what made him think that was reasonable behaviour, even if the cyclist had done something wrong how could that ever be an acceptable way to react. Yep, he was definitely one of the aforementioned wankers that happens to drive a car.
There was a TV campaign when I was a child in England that went "look once, look twice, look bike" to raise awareness of cyclists and the rights and responsibilities of sharing the road. I believe it applies as much today as ever. I really do wish we could all just share the road fairly and responsibly and do the right thing, but I also know that as long as a small proportion of motorists think it's acceptable to behave so badly towards cyclists, the massive power differential will mean that cyclists will always feel more vulnerable and therefore defensive.
Stay safe on the roads, and remember to not just look for cars or a pair of headlights, but look for bikes and little flashing lights too!
I believe that sadly there is a certain proportion of people in this world who are selfish wankers. You know the ones, we've all met them or worked with them: they're the people that are always rude, obnoxious, treat other people badly, and think that it's all about them. It turns out that some of them ride bikes, and some of them drive cars. Honestly I've seen some cyclists that give me the absolute shits, blatantly running red lights, riding on the footpath, and generally doing stupid things that inconvenience others. I hate these guys because they give the rest of us a bad reputation. In that grand old tradition of tarring everyone with the same brush, many people who can't think for themselves simply see cyclists behaving badly like this and assume that all cyclists therefore are wankers.
And I've seen plenty of evidence of motorists behaving badly too. Opening car doors onto oncoming cyclists, driving too closely, cutting bikes off, beeping and yelling abuse, not giving way and pulling out in front of oncoming bikes. I see at least one of these thing happen most days that I ride - that is no exaggeration. It would be so easy for me to fall into the trap of tarring all motorists with the same brush ad assuming that they're all wankers. But of course I know they're not, because I'm aware enough to realise that for every motorist that behaves badly, there are countless others who go about their business doing the right thing, and in fact many who are very polite and give way to me when they don't have to or give me a very wide berth just to be safe.
It would be wonderful if everyone, cyclists and motorists, could stop and think for a moment and realise that despite that small proportion of cyclists and motorists who do the wrong thing and behave badly, there is a huge proportion who get on with it and do the right thing, are considerate and polite, and follow the road rules. You tend not to notice them as much as the bad eggs because they fade into the background, because they're behaving the way that they should. And without wishing to sound like a Miss Universe contestant, wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along for once.
But I would like to make one distinction. Without a doubt bikes can be very dangerous and cause a lot of damage. But cars and other vehicles, they are deadly weapons. The amount of damage they can cause to each other is vast and undeniable, let alone to a cyclist. I posted last year about a crash I had where a car cut in front of me without seeing me, sending me careening into the side of the car at around 30kmph. Needless to say the occupants of the car were completely without physical impact - though they were visibly upset and shaken - whereas I ended up covered in bruises, stiff and sore, with my wheel buckled. I was lucky to not receive more serious injuries because I was able to stay upright. This power differential is undeniable, and will never change. I believe that it therefore places an extra onus on motorists - as the drivers of vehicles that can cause a serious amount of damage - to take greater caution around cyclists (and others in general).
I want to relay one other story. A couple of weeks ago I witnessed some of the worst road rage I have ever seen. Another cyclist overtook me (yes, sadly he was much fitter than I!) completely legally, and I even had time to look over my shoulder as he did so and noted that there was plenty of room in the lane to do so with a 4WD behind him in the lane. However, the driver of the 4WD took umbrage that this cyclist was in front of him (shock horror, he couldn't accelerate as fast as he would have liked, which woudl actually have been pointless as there was a red light up ahead) and proceeded to chase down the cyclist and swerve into him. The cyclist, shocked as he was, was able to get out of the way in time, and as the light turned green he took off again (might I add I was right behind the other cyclist this whole time, and we were both following the road rules and doing everything right), when the driver swerved again into where we were riding, narrowly missing both of us. We had to stop as he had completely blocked our path. He then proceeded to get out of his car, which he had stopped in the middle of a busy lane in the city, and verbally abuse the other cyclist. The other cyclist looked bewildered, said that he was sorry if he felt inconvenienced, and then managed to ride off again. At the next set of lights the driver did the same thing again, swerving into us and narrowly missing both of us, before he opened his window and yelled abuse again, then sped off. I was so shocked and upset I had trouble cycling all the way home. That man had gotten into such a rage over a trifling minor inconvenience which was completely legal, and used his massive car as a weapon. He could have easily knocked one or both of us off our bikes if we weren't being so careful and anticipating his erratic and boorish behaviour.
Think about that for a moment. A perceived slight resulted in a great big 4WD being used essentially as a weapon to intimidate if not harm. I can't imagine what made him think that was reasonable behaviour, even if the cyclist had done something wrong how could that ever be an acceptable way to react. Yep, he was definitely one of the aforementioned wankers that happens to drive a car.
There was a TV campaign when I was a child in England that went "look once, look twice, look bike" to raise awareness of cyclists and the rights and responsibilities of sharing the road. I believe it applies as much today as ever. I really do wish we could all just share the road fairly and responsibly and do the right thing, but I also know that as long as a small proportion of motorists think it's acceptable to behave so badly towards cyclists, the massive power differential will mean that cyclists will always feel more vulnerable and therefore defensive.
Stay safe on the roads, and remember to not just look for cars or a pair of headlights, but look for bikes and little flashing lights too!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Parochialism at its worst
I am so excited to see that politicians are finally starting to talk again about the science of climate change. There was so much momentum 4 or 5 years ago, and the community was starting to realise that it wasn’t something we could stick our heads in the sand about. People started to understand that rampant industrialism and consumerism was causing our planet significant damage. That WE were responsible.
Then it disappeared and in the interim years we have had very little science and a whole lot of misinformation. Dressed up as concern for the financial and social impact of decreasing pollution and carbon emissions, it included insidious refutation of the science, seeking to confuse and obscure the consensus of the scientific community.
And Australians fell for it. Big time. We have gone so far backwards in our understanding and acceptance of the science and our fear of the possible short term financial and social costs of switching to cleaner greener power, that the recent update and concise presentation of recent scientific information about climate change – the Climate Change Commission’s Report entitled “The Critical Decade” – elicited a greater number of misinformed and ignorant comments than I’ve ever seen. And the two themes that seem to keep cropping up – apart from the standard “the world’s climate has been changing for millennia and it’s natural” – are that the financial burden is too great for our society to bear, and that Australia is so small in total global emissions that any change would not only be insignificant globally but leave us hanging high and dry alone.
These two points seem to reflect to me all that is undesirable about Australian parochialism. Yes we have a wonderful laid back view and pace of life and a she’ll be right mentality. But we have allowed ourselves to become so parochial as to think of nothing but ourselves and our hip pockets. So narrow-minded and guided by fear and loathing as to shirk all that is difficult and different. So focused on short-term costs and benefits that we are unable to lift our gaze to the future. It breaks my heart.
I may not be an economist, but even I can see the potential for great financial and social benefit to our society if we make the switch to green energy. A shift to manufacturing and producing products such as solar panels and wind turbines represents jobs and a boost to the economy. A greater focus on research and development of cleaner and greener transport, manufacturing methods, fuels and other forms of energy generation would place us at the forefront of this area. A price on carbon (whether you call it a tax or otherwise) is essential to wean big business off high carbon emitting methods, and would be even more effective if coupled with incentives to switch to greener methods. Which would be easier to do if we had the industry and resources here to do it. All of these things go hand in hand, and though there is likely to be a short term rise in the cost of electricity and fuel and goods, the long-term benefits are undeniable.
Recent arguments that it doesn’t make sense for Australia to lead the world on a switch to clean energy and on pricing carbon are now void and redundant. We can’t and won’t, because the UK and some states in the USA are already doing this. It is currently being considered in the EU. At the rate we’re going we’ll be late to the party and have lost every chance at the advantages of being at the front of the pack. The fact that this argument is still trotted out shows the ignorance amongst the community, either innocent or wilful, about what else is happening in the world, and simply provides a paper veil to hide behind so they can either stick their heads back in the sand or conceal even greater scepticism in the guise of seeming rational and concerned.
It’s time we as Australians woke up to ourselves and this herd mentality. Is it so hard to not only think for ourselves but to also take action? To inform ourselves through reading and critical thinking, and to start to think long-term not only for our sake but for the sake of every future generation. It’s time to take off the blinkers that politicians and much of mass media would have us wear to keep us pliable and gullible. It’s time for us to grow up as a country and to take action rather than sit in the corner like a sullen teenager crying “he’s not doing it so why should I”? Parochialism can have its benefits, helping a community feel more cohesive and a sense of identity and common ground, but at the moment we are a greedy lot who think only of ourselves, hate change and difference, and collectively can’t think past tomorrow.
We need to change, before our climate does irrevocably.
Then it disappeared and in the interim years we have had very little science and a whole lot of misinformation. Dressed up as concern for the financial and social impact of decreasing pollution and carbon emissions, it included insidious refutation of the science, seeking to confuse and obscure the consensus of the scientific community.
And Australians fell for it. Big time. We have gone so far backwards in our understanding and acceptance of the science and our fear of the possible short term financial and social costs of switching to cleaner greener power, that the recent update and concise presentation of recent scientific information about climate change – the Climate Change Commission’s Report entitled “The Critical Decade” – elicited a greater number of misinformed and ignorant comments than I’ve ever seen. And the two themes that seem to keep cropping up – apart from the standard “the world’s climate has been changing for millennia and it’s natural” – are that the financial burden is too great for our society to bear, and that Australia is so small in total global emissions that any change would not only be insignificant globally but leave us hanging high and dry alone.
These two points seem to reflect to me all that is undesirable about Australian parochialism. Yes we have a wonderful laid back view and pace of life and a she’ll be right mentality. But we have allowed ourselves to become so parochial as to think of nothing but ourselves and our hip pockets. So narrow-minded and guided by fear and loathing as to shirk all that is difficult and different. So focused on short-term costs and benefits that we are unable to lift our gaze to the future. It breaks my heart.
I may not be an economist, but even I can see the potential for great financial and social benefit to our society if we make the switch to green energy. A shift to manufacturing and producing products such as solar panels and wind turbines represents jobs and a boost to the economy. A greater focus on research and development of cleaner and greener transport, manufacturing methods, fuels and other forms of energy generation would place us at the forefront of this area. A price on carbon (whether you call it a tax or otherwise) is essential to wean big business off high carbon emitting methods, and would be even more effective if coupled with incentives to switch to greener methods. Which would be easier to do if we had the industry and resources here to do it. All of these things go hand in hand, and though there is likely to be a short term rise in the cost of electricity and fuel and goods, the long-term benefits are undeniable.
Recent arguments that it doesn’t make sense for Australia to lead the world on a switch to clean energy and on pricing carbon are now void and redundant. We can’t and won’t, because the UK and some states in the USA are already doing this. It is currently being considered in the EU. At the rate we’re going we’ll be late to the party and have lost every chance at the advantages of being at the front of the pack. The fact that this argument is still trotted out shows the ignorance amongst the community, either innocent or wilful, about what else is happening in the world, and simply provides a paper veil to hide behind so they can either stick their heads back in the sand or conceal even greater scepticism in the guise of seeming rational and concerned.
It’s time we as Australians woke up to ourselves and this herd mentality. Is it so hard to not only think for ourselves but to also take action? To inform ourselves through reading and critical thinking, and to start to think long-term not only for our sake but for the sake of every future generation. It’s time to take off the blinkers that politicians and much of mass media would have us wear to keep us pliable and gullible. It’s time for us to grow up as a country and to take action rather than sit in the corner like a sullen teenager crying “he’s not doing it so why should I”? Parochialism can have its benefits, helping a community feel more cohesive and a sense of identity and common ground, but at the moment we are a greedy lot who think only of ourselves, hate change and difference, and collectively can’t think past tomorrow.
We need to change, before our climate does irrevocably.
Monday, May 9, 2011
A treatise on marriage
At the wedding of one of my best mates on the weekend, I found myself reflecting on my own feelings about the institution of marriage, and the evolution of my thoughts and feelings regarding the subject. So what better opportunity to express those thoughts than here! I want to try and keep it short and simple because in reality the meaningfulness of marriage, in my eyes anyway, is very simple indeed. And although by keeping it short and simple I'm not really writing a treatise in the strict sense of the word, I hope you can bear with me.
Keeping aside the separate issue of weddings (which are indeed separate and different to marriage), it took me a long time to come around to the idea of marriage. I felt very strongly that I didn't need to be married to prove my love or commitment to my partner, that I didn't need the blessings and legal recognition of the state or any God, and that I didn't want to change what we already had which was pretty close to perfect in my eyes.
After some serious reflection and pondering I came to the realisation that getting married is not about proving anything, changing anything or seeking social approval and sanction. If you get married to change your relationship, then you're getting married for the wrong reasons. If you feel you need to prove your love and commitment, then getting married is not the way to do it.
You see, I feel that getting married should change nothing about your relationship. And I know that this then opens up the question, then why do it at all?! Indeed, I would ask this question myself. But I've come to the realisation that this is a false dichotomy, a false supposition that change is important and that marriage should or should not be the catalyst for it. Because of course relationships change every day, and yet they remain constant. Little things change, and sometimes big things change. It is inevitable because it involves two people, and humans by our very nature grow and learn and change and develop. Two people doing this will lead to constant changes throughout a relationship, in priorities, in ways of communicating, in health, in libido, in all sorts of things. But relationships are also constant, the love and commitment and sharing of life is always there. This is why it's such a false premise to assume that one should or should not get married based on whether change may or may not occur.
The other major obstacle for me was feeling that marriage was in some way proving to everyone else how much you loved and were committed to your partner, that it was the ultimate social mechanism for doing this. But that this somehow made it hollow and less meaningful. After all, I need prove to no-one except my partner how much I love and respect them, and there are myriad ways to do that other than marriage. I believe that this still holds true. If you feel you need to prove something to other people then there's something wrong, either with them or with you. Again this argument about needing to prove your love and commitment is false and misleading. Marriage isn't about proving anything, and if it is then you're starting off your marriage on the wrong foot which is potentially very dangerous and destructive. Proving your love or commitment actually isn't about your love or commitment to your partner, it's about issues you have with other people either specifically or generally and your need to feel accepted or approved. And if getting married isn't truly about your love and commitment to your partner, then you shouldn't be getting married at all.
You see, I slowly came to the realisation that if you strip away all the fluff from the institution of marriage (and the wedding stuff) it comes down to one thing.
You. I choose you. I choose you to share my life with. To grow old with. To be my partner, my lover and my best friend, my confidant and my co-conspirator. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I will always love you and hope you will always love me too. And as a symbol of this, I will sign this bit of paper. It says that I choose you. And you choose me.
Everything else is gravy...
Keeping aside the separate issue of weddings (which are indeed separate and different to marriage), it took me a long time to come around to the idea of marriage. I felt very strongly that I didn't need to be married to prove my love or commitment to my partner, that I didn't need the blessings and legal recognition of the state or any God, and that I didn't want to change what we already had which was pretty close to perfect in my eyes.
After some serious reflection and pondering I came to the realisation that getting married is not about proving anything, changing anything or seeking social approval and sanction. If you get married to change your relationship, then you're getting married for the wrong reasons. If you feel you need to prove your love and commitment, then getting married is not the way to do it.
You see, I feel that getting married should change nothing about your relationship. And I know that this then opens up the question, then why do it at all?! Indeed, I would ask this question myself. But I've come to the realisation that this is a false dichotomy, a false supposition that change is important and that marriage should or should not be the catalyst for it. Because of course relationships change every day, and yet they remain constant. Little things change, and sometimes big things change. It is inevitable because it involves two people, and humans by our very nature grow and learn and change and develop. Two people doing this will lead to constant changes throughout a relationship, in priorities, in ways of communicating, in health, in libido, in all sorts of things. But relationships are also constant, the love and commitment and sharing of life is always there. This is why it's such a false premise to assume that one should or should not get married based on whether change may or may not occur.
The other major obstacle for me was feeling that marriage was in some way proving to everyone else how much you loved and were committed to your partner, that it was the ultimate social mechanism for doing this. But that this somehow made it hollow and less meaningful. After all, I need prove to no-one except my partner how much I love and respect them, and there are myriad ways to do that other than marriage. I believe that this still holds true. If you feel you need to prove something to other people then there's something wrong, either with them or with you. Again this argument about needing to prove your love and commitment is false and misleading. Marriage isn't about proving anything, and if it is then you're starting off your marriage on the wrong foot which is potentially very dangerous and destructive. Proving your love or commitment actually isn't about your love or commitment to your partner, it's about issues you have with other people either specifically or generally and your need to feel accepted or approved. And if getting married isn't truly about your love and commitment to your partner, then you shouldn't be getting married at all.
You see, I slowly came to the realisation that if you strip away all the fluff from the institution of marriage (and the wedding stuff) it comes down to one thing.
You. I choose you. I choose you to share my life with. To grow old with. To be my partner, my lover and my best friend, my confidant and my co-conspirator. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I will always love you and hope you will always love me too. And as a symbol of this, I will sign this bit of paper. It says that I choose you. And you choose me.
Everything else is gravy...
Friday, April 22, 2011
Easter greetings!
Happy Easter to one and all, and to all a happy Easter! it's that time of the year again when we stock up on overpriced chocolate, indulge in some hot cross buns, and relish the hugely long weekend with loved ones. The weather is even nice this year!
But a spate of discussions lately about the "real" meaning of Easter, and in particular a very interesting debate on the 7pm Project with the always interesting Father Bob about whether non-believers should get to have Easter off too, I can't help but examine my own thoughts on the issue. Which of course means writing them down here!!!
So first off, the question of the "true" or "real" meaning of Easter. We all know that in the Christian faith, Easter is marking the occasion when Jesus was crucified on the cross and his resurrection. Nobody would argue that this meaning is important to Christians. However, it is important to acknowledge that not everyone shares this faith, and therefore these meanings. And as surely as it is important that the meaning that Christians ascribe to Easter should be respected, so too should the meaning others give to it. Otherwise it becomes a fight over whose meaning of Easter is more worthy, more deserving, more 'right'. A terrible prospect indeed!
For centuries, Easter coincided with the Pagan tradition of celebrating the spring (or vernal) equinox. This is where the traditions of eggs comes from, as eggs symbolise fertility and new life, the essence of spring. The dates for Easter have varied over the centuries due to changing calendars being used (eg Julian, Gregorian etc) although always based on the Sunday following a particular (Paschal) full moon. I may sound heretical here, but I find the very fact that the date is determined by the church itself based on the moon's cycle as rather, well, pagan-like. As with Christmas, over time the traditions of the two celebrations practiced at the same time were brought together. I mention this not to diminish the meaning some people give to Easter, but to indicate that it has historically been interwoven with other traditions and celebrations. This very fact indicates that there are other meanings given to the Easter weekend that do not involve the death and resurrection of Jesus.
Which moves me onto the second point about whether non-Christians can rightfully claim to have the Easter holidays that those of religious faith do. My answer is absolutely yes. We are not a divided country where those of different faith are at odds with each other or completely removed from the realities of each others' lives. We are a secular society that promotes acceptance, diversity and respect. As with previous incarnations where Christian religious observances coincided with other celebrations within society, so too does Easter today. Good Friday and Easter Sunday and Easter Monday are public holidays. And as with all public holidays, they apply to everyone. How you choose to observe the day is up to you. The meaning you ascribe to it is up to you. They have retained the names from Christianity as this is historically how the Easter weekend was valued and understood.
There are many other public holidays that are not connected to religious observances (such as New Years Day and Labour Day), and there are many religious observances that are not connected to public holidays (such as Ramadan and Diwali, or even Palm Sunday). If public holidays were faith-based then the separation of different sections of our society would be beyond repair as each section becomes more and more insular and separate. And what of those of no faith? are they to have no holidays at all, as punishment for not believing? And can anyone explain to me what Easter Monday is actually about? There are no specific religious meanings, rituals or traditions for this day that I know of - so is it a religious holiday or is it an extra day tacked on to Easter? If it is just tacked on to Easter, does that mean everyone can enjoy it, or still only Christians given that it's called "Easter" Monday?
Public holidays are just that - they are public, they are for everyone. It is up to each person to do with that day what they please, to give it the meaning they wish, and to practice any observances they wish. It doesn't matter if people of no faith partake of hot cross buns or chocolate eggs, because they are giving Easter their own meaning (calorific though it may be!) perhaps of time with family, or with friends. Those who are of Christian faith give it their own meaning too, and observe a number of religious traditions and rituals that they feel gives meaning to Easter.
I'll use ANZAC day as my final example. It falls on Easter Monday this year, so an extra public holiday will be held on the Tuesday. This poses an interesting conundrum. Are they being given two separate public holidays so that they can be observed separately? or just so that we can all get our proper allocation of public holidays? What of those who wish to observe the significance of ANZAC day, can they do it on the actual day or do they have to wait until Tuesday so that the "Easter" Monday can be kept separate? What of those who despite a deep respect for ANZACs do not wish to partake of any specific observations or rituals on ANZAC day, are THEY any less deserving of the public holiday? My argument is simply this - whatever your religious persuasions, public holidays are given by the government so that EVERYONE can have the day off and enjoy it in whatever way is meaningful to them. Easter has been kept as a public holiday (or three!) due to the particular significance that this event holds to a significant number of the population, and the same with Christmas. Christians should count themselves lucky that they get a public holiday off to help them celebrate and concentrate on their meaning of the occasion. And that they have the time and space to celebrate it with loved ones, of faith or not, who also have the time off.
Enjoy the long break for Easter, and whatever meaning it has for you!
But a spate of discussions lately about the "real" meaning of Easter, and in particular a very interesting debate on the 7pm Project with the always interesting Father Bob about whether non-believers should get to have Easter off too, I can't help but examine my own thoughts on the issue. Which of course means writing them down here!!!
So first off, the question of the "true" or "real" meaning of Easter. We all know that in the Christian faith, Easter is marking the occasion when Jesus was crucified on the cross and his resurrection. Nobody would argue that this meaning is important to Christians. However, it is important to acknowledge that not everyone shares this faith, and therefore these meanings. And as surely as it is important that the meaning that Christians ascribe to Easter should be respected, so too should the meaning others give to it. Otherwise it becomes a fight over whose meaning of Easter is more worthy, more deserving, more 'right'. A terrible prospect indeed!
For centuries, Easter coincided with the Pagan tradition of celebrating the spring (or vernal) equinox. This is where the traditions of eggs comes from, as eggs symbolise fertility and new life, the essence of spring. The dates for Easter have varied over the centuries due to changing calendars being used (eg Julian, Gregorian etc) although always based on the Sunday following a particular (Paschal) full moon. I may sound heretical here, but I find the very fact that the date is determined by the church itself based on the moon's cycle as rather, well, pagan-like. As with Christmas, over time the traditions of the two celebrations practiced at the same time were brought together. I mention this not to diminish the meaning some people give to Easter, but to indicate that it has historically been interwoven with other traditions and celebrations. This very fact indicates that there are other meanings given to the Easter weekend that do not involve the death and resurrection of Jesus.
Which moves me onto the second point about whether non-Christians can rightfully claim to have the Easter holidays that those of religious faith do. My answer is absolutely yes. We are not a divided country where those of different faith are at odds with each other or completely removed from the realities of each others' lives. We are a secular society that promotes acceptance, diversity and respect. As with previous incarnations where Christian religious observances coincided with other celebrations within society, so too does Easter today. Good Friday and Easter Sunday and Easter Monday are public holidays. And as with all public holidays, they apply to everyone. How you choose to observe the day is up to you. The meaning you ascribe to it is up to you. They have retained the names from Christianity as this is historically how the Easter weekend was valued and understood.
There are many other public holidays that are not connected to religious observances (such as New Years Day and Labour Day), and there are many religious observances that are not connected to public holidays (such as Ramadan and Diwali, or even Palm Sunday). If public holidays were faith-based then the separation of different sections of our society would be beyond repair as each section becomes more and more insular and separate. And what of those of no faith? are they to have no holidays at all, as punishment for not believing? And can anyone explain to me what Easter Monday is actually about? There are no specific religious meanings, rituals or traditions for this day that I know of - so is it a religious holiday or is it an extra day tacked on to Easter? If it is just tacked on to Easter, does that mean everyone can enjoy it, or still only Christians given that it's called "Easter" Monday?
Public holidays are just that - they are public, they are for everyone. It is up to each person to do with that day what they please, to give it the meaning they wish, and to practice any observances they wish. It doesn't matter if people of no faith partake of hot cross buns or chocolate eggs, because they are giving Easter their own meaning (calorific though it may be!) perhaps of time with family, or with friends. Those who are of Christian faith give it their own meaning too, and observe a number of religious traditions and rituals that they feel gives meaning to Easter.
I'll use ANZAC day as my final example. It falls on Easter Monday this year, so an extra public holiday will be held on the Tuesday. This poses an interesting conundrum. Are they being given two separate public holidays so that they can be observed separately? or just so that we can all get our proper allocation of public holidays? What of those who wish to observe the significance of ANZAC day, can they do it on the actual day or do they have to wait until Tuesday so that the "Easter" Monday can be kept separate? What of those who despite a deep respect for ANZACs do not wish to partake of any specific observations or rituals on ANZAC day, are THEY any less deserving of the public holiday? My argument is simply this - whatever your religious persuasions, public holidays are given by the government so that EVERYONE can have the day off and enjoy it in whatever way is meaningful to them. Easter has been kept as a public holiday (or three!) due to the particular significance that this event holds to a significant number of the population, and the same with Christmas. Christians should count themselves lucky that they get a public holiday off to help them celebrate and concentrate on their meaning of the occasion. And that they have the time and space to celebrate it with loved ones, of faith or not, who also have the time off.
Enjoy the long break for Easter, and whatever meaning it has for you!
Monday, April 4, 2011
The PhD journey so far...
When I applied for my PhD I knew that getting it entailed myriad obstacles and challenges. I knew that it meant at least 3 years of borderline poverty, missing out on many of the adventures and acquisitions of our peers including home buying, holiday making, furniture, clothes, eating out and buying nice wine and many other little luxuries. Even the simple things like having health insurance (which should be totally unnecessary in Australia but that’s a whole other post!) and going to Womadelaide are on hold for 3 years. I also knew that it would be a mental and emotional rollercoaster of epic proportions, with tight deadlines, high expectations, insane hours, tedious writing and planning, and any amount of stress you can name. All in the quest for the ultimate prize – a PhD.
But ‘knowing’ those things, and experiencing them, are two so completely different things disconnected from the reality of each other, that I wonder about really ‘knowing’ what I was getting myself into in the first place. The material compromises have definitely been hard, I can’t deny it. It’s a strange kind of sensation watching your friends and loved ones go about their lives and achieving great successes and great gains both professionally and personally. I am insanely happy for them, there’s really nothing quite like watching the grin spread across your friends’ faces when they buy their first house, or learn that they’re expecting a baby, or are about to embark on a fantastic world trip, or are going from strength to incredible strength in their career. But there’s also something dark and forlorn in my heart at the same time, I call it a little jealousy wrapped up in guilt. I miss being able to just buy that dress because I like it, or just drink that bottle of wine because it’s delicious and not have to worry too much about the price (within reason of course!). And although I’m certainly not ready for the whole baby question yet, I’m certainly sad that despite our reticence in becoming fully fledged adults and embarking upon traditional paths of house buying and furnishing and getting promotions, there’s a very tangible sense of missing out a bit.
But way beyond that is the mental and emotional rollercoaster the past 5 months have represented, and wow what a ride. The dizzying highs of enlightenment and achievement, the soul destroying lows of self-doubt and inadequacy. The workload started out seemingly achievable, reasonable even, and then time started ticking by and before long it seemed like there was still half a mountain left to climb and not enough time or energy to do it. I was stuck on Everest without an oxygen tank or a Sherpa. And on top of it all my thermals were starting to look a little threadbare. Yep, the study strategies I had relied on in the past to keep me from sinking were suddenly becoming woefully inadequate and irrelevant. On top of all the work, I needed to learn a new set of time and data management strategies and coping mechanisms.
Now I’ll be honest, time management has never been my strong point. I can write a list and fill in a diary like a pro, but I am a procrastinator of the highest order. I can utilise substitution and diversion tactics like you wouldn’t believe! Dishes and vacuuming suddenly become attractive, running errands suddenly becomes urgent, and doing some exercise becomes my highest priority. Because after all, if I’m not studying, then I need to be doing something productive that is benefiting me. Something worthy. Something noble. Something…. Well, anything really. It’s no accident that my camera battery is constantly running low – my photographic odysseys around the backyard and neighbourhood are becoming more and more frequent. All in the name of avoiding study… er, I mean, advancing my knowledge and skills as a photographer. Because it’s a worthy substitute, right?!?!
But in all seriousness, no one could have prepared me for the hardest part. The times when even a photographic odyssey can’t salve the conscience. The times when you doubt yourself so much that you feel ready to give it all away and mop floors for a living because that’s all you feel capable of. You see, a PhD challenges you in a way that no amount of reassurances from your friends or family can ever quite counter. The expectations are high, and though everyone assures you that you’re smart and capable enough because hey, they gave you the scholarship after all, there’s that nagging feeling that any moment now someone is going to discover you for the fraud that you are, jump up and shout ‘aha! You’re not smart enough for this at all! What are you doing here?! Get back to mopping floors where you belong’! (not that mopping floors requires no intelligence, and in fact it’s a very valuable job and I’d just like to give a shout out to the millions of cleaners that do a thankless job and keep the world functioning). You read books and articles every day that use a language that you can’t fathom. They understand things that you don’t, and try to explain them in a way that usually just makes it even worse. And everyone else seems to get it, so why don’t you?! You start to wonder what you’re even trying to achieve with your research, and wonder whether it will ever even get off the ground because all of a sudden it looks so amateurish and irrelevant. SO you wander morosely through each day kicking yourself for thinking you’d be able to do it.
Thankfully these moments pass, and you become rational again and realise that it’s all part of the process of learning. It’s an academic apprenticeship after all, and what apprentice knows everything at the beginning?!?! And so you soldier on, hoping that you stay logical enough to write something sufficiently coherent to hand up to your supervisors. And you fumble along ever closer to that point midway through your first year where you try to get approval for your research by pretending like you know what you’re doing, by fake-talking the talk, and fake-walking the walk. After all, fake it til you make it right?! And this is where I’m at now, having turned numerous corners both academically and personally, overcoming physical and mental and emotional barriers to this point where it all culminates in a 10,000 word proposal that all the ‘high up’ people look at, pass judgement on, and deliver their verdict.
I predict a rapid repeat of the familiar oscillation in my near future. Lows and highs, I’m ready for you. I think.
But ‘knowing’ those things, and experiencing them, are two so completely different things disconnected from the reality of each other, that I wonder about really ‘knowing’ what I was getting myself into in the first place. The material compromises have definitely been hard, I can’t deny it. It’s a strange kind of sensation watching your friends and loved ones go about their lives and achieving great successes and great gains both professionally and personally. I am insanely happy for them, there’s really nothing quite like watching the grin spread across your friends’ faces when they buy their first house, or learn that they’re expecting a baby, or are about to embark on a fantastic world trip, or are going from strength to incredible strength in their career. But there’s also something dark and forlorn in my heart at the same time, I call it a little jealousy wrapped up in guilt. I miss being able to just buy that dress because I like it, or just drink that bottle of wine because it’s delicious and not have to worry too much about the price (within reason of course!). And although I’m certainly not ready for the whole baby question yet, I’m certainly sad that despite our reticence in becoming fully fledged adults and embarking upon traditional paths of house buying and furnishing and getting promotions, there’s a very tangible sense of missing out a bit.
But way beyond that is the mental and emotional rollercoaster the past 5 months have represented, and wow what a ride. The dizzying highs of enlightenment and achievement, the soul destroying lows of self-doubt and inadequacy. The workload started out seemingly achievable, reasonable even, and then time started ticking by and before long it seemed like there was still half a mountain left to climb and not enough time or energy to do it. I was stuck on Everest without an oxygen tank or a Sherpa. And on top of it all my thermals were starting to look a little threadbare. Yep, the study strategies I had relied on in the past to keep me from sinking were suddenly becoming woefully inadequate and irrelevant. On top of all the work, I needed to learn a new set of time and data management strategies and coping mechanisms.
Now I’ll be honest, time management has never been my strong point. I can write a list and fill in a diary like a pro, but I am a procrastinator of the highest order. I can utilise substitution and diversion tactics like you wouldn’t believe! Dishes and vacuuming suddenly become attractive, running errands suddenly becomes urgent, and doing some exercise becomes my highest priority. Because after all, if I’m not studying, then I need to be doing something productive that is benefiting me. Something worthy. Something noble. Something…. Well, anything really. It’s no accident that my camera battery is constantly running low – my photographic odysseys around the backyard and neighbourhood are becoming more and more frequent. All in the name of avoiding study… er, I mean, advancing my knowledge and skills as a photographer. Because it’s a worthy substitute, right?!?!
But in all seriousness, no one could have prepared me for the hardest part. The times when even a photographic odyssey can’t salve the conscience. The times when you doubt yourself so much that you feel ready to give it all away and mop floors for a living because that’s all you feel capable of. You see, a PhD challenges you in a way that no amount of reassurances from your friends or family can ever quite counter. The expectations are high, and though everyone assures you that you’re smart and capable enough because hey, they gave you the scholarship after all, there’s that nagging feeling that any moment now someone is going to discover you for the fraud that you are, jump up and shout ‘aha! You’re not smart enough for this at all! What are you doing here?! Get back to mopping floors where you belong’! (not that mopping floors requires no intelligence, and in fact it’s a very valuable job and I’d just like to give a shout out to the millions of cleaners that do a thankless job and keep the world functioning). You read books and articles every day that use a language that you can’t fathom. They understand things that you don’t, and try to explain them in a way that usually just makes it even worse. And everyone else seems to get it, so why don’t you?! You start to wonder what you’re even trying to achieve with your research, and wonder whether it will ever even get off the ground because all of a sudden it looks so amateurish and irrelevant. SO you wander morosely through each day kicking yourself for thinking you’d be able to do it.
Thankfully these moments pass, and you become rational again and realise that it’s all part of the process of learning. It’s an academic apprenticeship after all, and what apprentice knows everything at the beginning?!?! And so you soldier on, hoping that you stay logical enough to write something sufficiently coherent to hand up to your supervisors. And you fumble along ever closer to that point midway through your first year where you try to get approval for your research by pretending like you know what you’re doing, by fake-talking the talk, and fake-walking the walk. After all, fake it til you make it right?! And this is where I’m at now, having turned numerous corners both academically and personally, overcoming physical and mental and emotional barriers to this point where it all culminates in a 10,000 word proposal that all the ‘high up’ people look at, pass judgement on, and deliver their verdict.
I predict a rapid repeat of the familiar oscillation in my near future. Lows and highs, I’m ready for you. I think.
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