all at sea

I’m exhausted. There’s no other way of saying it. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I feel like I’ve been chewed up by a giant energy-eating machine and spat out the other end. The kicker is that this is an entirely new experience for me. Well, maybe I’ve been sick before, and drained before, and stressed out and run down and spent before. But never to this extent and for this long. And I can only sum up how I feel about it in one word. Bleeeehhhhhhh...

Ok, so that’s not really a word, more of a vague representation of the sound I make when I think about how I’ve been feeling for the last 3 months. But it’s the best I’ve got right now. I won’t bore you with the details (partly because it’s gross and partly because I’ve already bored some of you with the details!) but suffice it to say some nasty virus took hold of me around the time of our first wedding anniversary and has refused to let go. I’ve battled with ear infections, chest infections and now chronic sinusitis. My physical energy levels regularly dip to barely above comatose, my mental energy is barely sufficient to absorb a page of information, and my emotional energy was entirely spent back in December. I have nothing left to give.

This particularly sucks because I am now faced with the prospect of trying to manage my PhD deadlines while facing down the barrel of likely surgery. This trifecta of no energy, likely surgery and looming deadlines is a deadly mix. No wonder my blood pressure is going haywire! But the worst part of it is the frustration.

It’s killing me not being able to do the things I normally take for granted. Take exercise for instance. I may not be a super fit gym bunny but I love to exercise and try to get a good dose in every day. It makes me feel good and is great for my health and fitness. But riding in to uni kills me most days and I can do it maximum 2 days a week. Even my regular Pilates video is a struggle. On the days I do decide to get some exercise I crash and burn badly afterwards and struggle through the rest of the day. Studying has become almost impossible, I can’t concentrate on anything and my brain is so fuzzy I’m only taking in half of it anyway. But the worst is the emotional energy.

Now I’m no Mother Teresa, not by any stretch of the imagination, but one thing I really try hard on is being there for my friends. To listen to their problems, to offer support, to celebrate or commiserate with them, to help with little things like loaning a book to big things like moving house. And right now I don’t have the energy for any of it, I have nothing left of myself to give. And it’s an awful feeling, it makes me feel so selfish. And I hate selfish people.

So what’s a girl to do? How does one maximise the chances of getting better through rest and relaxation yet still maintain a life that is fulfilling and rewarding? It’s a question that’s eating away at me lately. I have no idea how to balance my desire to get better with my desire to lead a normal life. Any advice, ideas and experiences would be greatly appreciated, because right now I’m feeling all at sea with not a rescue boat in sight.