At the wedding of one of my best mates on the weekend, I found myself reflecting on my own feelings about the institution of marriage, and the evolution of my thoughts and feelings regarding the subject. So what better opportunity to express those thoughts than here! I want to try and keep it short and simple because in reality the meaningfulness of marriage, in my eyes anyway, is very simple indeed. And although by keeping it short and simple I'm not really writing a treatise in the strict sense of the word, I hope you can bear with me.
Keeping aside the separate issue of weddings (which are indeed separate and different to marriage), it took me a long time to come around to the idea of marriage. I felt very strongly that I didn't need to be married to prove my love or commitment to my partner, that I didn't need the blessings and legal recognition of the state or any God, and that I didn't want to change what we already had which was pretty close to perfect in my eyes.
After some serious reflection and pondering I came to the realisation that getting married is not about proving anything, changing anything or seeking social approval and sanction. If you get married to change your relationship, then you're getting married for the wrong reasons. If you feel you need to prove your love and commitment, then getting married is not the way to do it.
You see, I feel that getting married should change nothing about your relationship. And I know that this then opens up the question, then why do it at all?! Indeed, I would ask this question myself. But I've come to the realisation that this is a false dichotomy, a false supposition that change is important and that marriage should or should not be the catalyst for it. Because of course relationships change every day, and yet they remain constant. Little things change, and sometimes big things change. It is inevitable because it involves two people, and humans by our very nature grow and learn and change and develop. Two people doing this will lead to constant changes throughout a relationship, in priorities, in ways of communicating, in health, in libido, in all sorts of things. But relationships are also constant, the love and commitment and sharing of life is always there. This is why it's such a false premise to assume that one should or should not get married based on whether change may or may not occur.
The other major obstacle for me was feeling that marriage was in some way proving to everyone else how much you loved and were committed to your partner, that it was the ultimate social mechanism for doing this. But that this somehow made it hollow and less meaningful. After all, I need prove to no-one except my partner how much I love and respect them, and there are myriad ways to do that other than marriage. I believe that this still holds true. If you feel you need to prove something to other people then there's something wrong, either with them or with you. Again this argument about needing to prove your love and commitment is false and misleading. Marriage isn't about proving anything, and if it is then you're starting off your marriage on the wrong foot which is potentially very dangerous and destructive. Proving your love or commitment actually isn't about your love or commitment to your partner, it's about issues you have with other people either specifically or generally and your need to feel accepted or approved. And if getting married isn't truly about your love and commitment to your partner, then you shouldn't be getting married at all.
You see, I slowly came to the realisation that if you strip away all the fluff from the institution of marriage (and the wedding stuff) it comes down to one thing.
You. I choose you. I choose you to share my life with. To grow old with. To be my partner, my lover and my best friend, my confidant and my co-conspirator. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I will always love you and hope you will always love me too. And as a symbol of this, I will sign this bit of paper. It says that I choose you. And you choose me.
Everything else is gravy...
Monday, May 9, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Easter greetings!
Happy Easter to one and all, and to all a happy Easter! it's that time of the year again when we stock up on overpriced chocolate, indulge in some hot cross buns, and relish the hugely long weekend with loved ones. The weather is even nice this year!
But a spate of discussions lately about the "real" meaning of Easter, and in particular a very interesting debate on the 7pm Project with the always interesting Father Bob about whether non-believers should get to have Easter off too, I can't help but examine my own thoughts on the issue. Which of course means writing them down here!!!
So first off, the question of the "true" or "real" meaning of Easter. We all know that in the Christian faith, Easter is marking the occasion when Jesus was crucified on the cross and his resurrection. Nobody would argue that this meaning is important to Christians. However, it is important to acknowledge that not everyone shares this faith, and therefore these meanings. And as surely as it is important that the meaning that Christians ascribe to Easter should be respected, so too should the meaning others give to it. Otherwise it becomes a fight over whose meaning of Easter is more worthy, more deserving, more 'right'. A terrible prospect indeed!
For centuries, Easter coincided with the Pagan tradition of celebrating the spring (or vernal) equinox. This is where the traditions of eggs comes from, as eggs symbolise fertility and new life, the essence of spring. The dates for Easter have varied over the centuries due to changing calendars being used (eg Julian, Gregorian etc) although always based on the Sunday following a particular (Paschal) full moon. I may sound heretical here, but I find the very fact that the date is determined by the church itself based on the moon's cycle as rather, well, pagan-like. As with Christmas, over time the traditions of the two celebrations practiced at the same time were brought together. I mention this not to diminish the meaning some people give to Easter, but to indicate that it has historically been interwoven with other traditions and celebrations. This very fact indicates that there are other meanings given to the Easter weekend that do not involve the death and resurrection of Jesus.
Which moves me onto the second point about whether non-Christians can rightfully claim to have the Easter holidays that those of religious faith do. My answer is absolutely yes. We are not a divided country where those of different faith are at odds with each other or completely removed from the realities of each others' lives. We are a secular society that promotes acceptance, diversity and respect. As with previous incarnations where Christian religious observances coincided with other celebrations within society, so too does Easter today. Good Friday and Easter Sunday and Easter Monday are public holidays. And as with all public holidays, they apply to everyone. How you choose to observe the day is up to you. The meaning you ascribe to it is up to you. They have retained the names from Christianity as this is historically how the Easter weekend was valued and understood.
There are many other public holidays that are not connected to religious observances (such as New Years Day and Labour Day), and there are many religious observances that are not connected to public holidays (such as Ramadan and Diwali, or even Palm Sunday). If public holidays were faith-based then the separation of different sections of our society would be beyond repair as each section becomes more and more insular and separate. And what of those of no faith? are they to have no holidays at all, as punishment for not believing? And can anyone explain to me what Easter Monday is actually about? There are no specific religious meanings, rituals or traditions for this day that I know of - so is it a religious holiday or is it an extra day tacked on to Easter? If it is just tacked on to Easter, does that mean everyone can enjoy it, or still only Christians given that it's called "Easter" Monday?
Public holidays are just that - they are public, they are for everyone. It is up to each person to do with that day what they please, to give it the meaning they wish, and to practice any observances they wish. It doesn't matter if people of no faith partake of hot cross buns or chocolate eggs, because they are giving Easter their own meaning (calorific though it may be!) perhaps of time with family, or with friends. Those who are of Christian faith give it their own meaning too, and observe a number of religious traditions and rituals that they feel gives meaning to Easter.
I'll use ANZAC day as my final example. It falls on Easter Monday this year, so an extra public holiday will be held on the Tuesday. This poses an interesting conundrum. Are they being given two separate public holidays so that they can be observed separately? or just so that we can all get our proper allocation of public holidays? What of those who wish to observe the significance of ANZAC day, can they do it on the actual day or do they have to wait until Tuesday so that the "Easter" Monday can be kept separate? What of those who despite a deep respect for ANZACs do not wish to partake of any specific observations or rituals on ANZAC day, are THEY any less deserving of the public holiday? My argument is simply this - whatever your religious persuasions, public holidays are given by the government so that EVERYONE can have the day off and enjoy it in whatever way is meaningful to them. Easter has been kept as a public holiday (or three!) due to the particular significance that this event holds to a significant number of the population, and the same with Christmas. Christians should count themselves lucky that they get a public holiday off to help them celebrate and concentrate on their meaning of the occasion. And that they have the time and space to celebrate it with loved ones, of faith or not, who also have the time off.
Enjoy the long break for Easter, and whatever meaning it has for you!
But a spate of discussions lately about the "real" meaning of Easter, and in particular a very interesting debate on the 7pm Project with the always interesting Father Bob about whether non-believers should get to have Easter off too, I can't help but examine my own thoughts on the issue. Which of course means writing them down here!!!
So first off, the question of the "true" or "real" meaning of Easter. We all know that in the Christian faith, Easter is marking the occasion when Jesus was crucified on the cross and his resurrection. Nobody would argue that this meaning is important to Christians. However, it is important to acknowledge that not everyone shares this faith, and therefore these meanings. And as surely as it is important that the meaning that Christians ascribe to Easter should be respected, so too should the meaning others give to it. Otherwise it becomes a fight over whose meaning of Easter is more worthy, more deserving, more 'right'. A terrible prospect indeed!
For centuries, Easter coincided with the Pagan tradition of celebrating the spring (or vernal) equinox. This is where the traditions of eggs comes from, as eggs symbolise fertility and new life, the essence of spring. The dates for Easter have varied over the centuries due to changing calendars being used (eg Julian, Gregorian etc) although always based on the Sunday following a particular (Paschal) full moon. I may sound heretical here, but I find the very fact that the date is determined by the church itself based on the moon's cycle as rather, well, pagan-like. As with Christmas, over time the traditions of the two celebrations practiced at the same time were brought together. I mention this not to diminish the meaning some people give to Easter, but to indicate that it has historically been interwoven with other traditions and celebrations. This very fact indicates that there are other meanings given to the Easter weekend that do not involve the death and resurrection of Jesus.
Which moves me onto the second point about whether non-Christians can rightfully claim to have the Easter holidays that those of religious faith do. My answer is absolutely yes. We are not a divided country where those of different faith are at odds with each other or completely removed from the realities of each others' lives. We are a secular society that promotes acceptance, diversity and respect. As with previous incarnations where Christian religious observances coincided with other celebrations within society, so too does Easter today. Good Friday and Easter Sunday and Easter Monday are public holidays. And as with all public holidays, they apply to everyone. How you choose to observe the day is up to you. The meaning you ascribe to it is up to you. They have retained the names from Christianity as this is historically how the Easter weekend was valued and understood.
There are many other public holidays that are not connected to religious observances (such as New Years Day and Labour Day), and there are many religious observances that are not connected to public holidays (such as Ramadan and Diwali, or even Palm Sunday). If public holidays were faith-based then the separation of different sections of our society would be beyond repair as each section becomes more and more insular and separate. And what of those of no faith? are they to have no holidays at all, as punishment for not believing? And can anyone explain to me what Easter Monday is actually about? There are no specific religious meanings, rituals or traditions for this day that I know of - so is it a religious holiday or is it an extra day tacked on to Easter? If it is just tacked on to Easter, does that mean everyone can enjoy it, or still only Christians given that it's called "Easter" Monday?
Public holidays are just that - they are public, they are for everyone. It is up to each person to do with that day what they please, to give it the meaning they wish, and to practice any observances they wish. It doesn't matter if people of no faith partake of hot cross buns or chocolate eggs, because they are giving Easter their own meaning (calorific though it may be!) perhaps of time with family, or with friends. Those who are of Christian faith give it their own meaning too, and observe a number of religious traditions and rituals that they feel gives meaning to Easter.
I'll use ANZAC day as my final example. It falls on Easter Monday this year, so an extra public holiday will be held on the Tuesday. This poses an interesting conundrum. Are they being given two separate public holidays so that they can be observed separately? or just so that we can all get our proper allocation of public holidays? What of those who wish to observe the significance of ANZAC day, can they do it on the actual day or do they have to wait until Tuesday so that the "Easter" Monday can be kept separate? What of those who despite a deep respect for ANZACs do not wish to partake of any specific observations or rituals on ANZAC day, are THEY any less deserving of the public holiday? My argument is simply this - whatever your religious persuasions, public holidays are given by the government so that EVERYONE can have the day off and enjoy it in whatever way is meaningful to them. Easter has been kept as a public holiday (or three!) due to the particular significance that this event holds to a significant number of the population, and the same with Christmas. Christians should count themselves lucky that they get a public holiday off to help them celebrate and concentrate on their meaning of the occasion. And that they have the time and space to celebrate it with loved ones, of faith or not, who also have the time off.
Enjoy the long break for Easter, and whatever meaning it has for you!
Monday, April 4, 2011
The PhD journey so far...
When I applied for my PhD I knew that getting it entailed myriad obstacles and challenges. I knew that it meant at least 3 years of borderline poverty, missing out on many of the adventures and acquisitions of our peers including home buying, holiday making, furniture, clothes, eating out and buying nice wine and many other little luxuries. Even the simple things like having health insurance (which should be totally unnecessary in Australia but that’s a whole other post!) and going to Womadelaide are on hold for 3 years. I also knew that it would be a mental and emotional rollercoaster of epic proportions, with tight deadlines, high expectations, insane hours, tedious writing and planning, and any amount of stress you can name. All in the quest for the ultimate prize – a PhD.
But ‘knowing’ those things, and experiencing them, are two so completely different things disconnected from the reality of each other, that I wonder about really ‘knowing’ what I was getting myself into in the first place. The material compromises have definitely been hard, I can’t deny it. It’s a strange kind of sensation watching your friends and loved ones go about their lives and achieving great successes and great gains both professionally and personally. I am insanely happy for them, there’s really nothing quite like watching the grin spread across your friends’ faces when they buy their first house, or learn that they’re expecting a baby, or are about to embark on a fantastic world trip, or are going from strength to incredible strength in their career. But there’s also something dark and forlorn in my heart at the same time, I call it a little jealousy wrapped up in guilt. I miss being able to just buy that dress because I like it, or just drink that bottle of wine because it’s delicious and not have to worry too much about the price (within reason of course!). And although I’m certainly not ready for the whole baby question yet, I’m certainly sad that despite our reticence in becoming fully fledged adults and embarking upon traditional paths of house buying and furnishing and getting promotions, there’s a very tangible sense of missing out a bit.
But way beyond that is the mental and emotional rollercoaster the past 5 months have represented, and wow what a ride. The dizzying highs of enlightenment and achievement, the soul destroying lows of self-doubt and inadequacy. The workload started out seemingly achievable, reasonable even, and then time started ticking by and before long it seemed like there was still half a mountain left to climb and not enough time or energy to do it. I was stuck on Everest without an oxygen tank or a Sherpa. And on top of it all my thermals were starting to look a little threadbare. Yep, the study strategies I had relied on in the past to keep me from sinking were suddenly becoming woefully inadequate and irrelevant. On top of all the work, I needed to learn a new set of time and data management strategies and coping mechanisms.
Now I’ll be honest, time management has never been my strong point. I can write a list and fill in a diary like a pro, but I am a procrastinator of the highest order. I can utilise substitution and diversion tactics like you wouldn’t believe! Dishes and vacuuming suddenly become attractive, running errands suddenly becomes urgent, and doing some exercise becomes my highest priority. Because after all, if I’m not studying, then I need to be doing something productive that is benefiting me. Something worthy. Something noble. Something…. Well, anything really. It’s no accident that my camera battery is constantly running low – my photographic odysseys around the backyard and neighbourhood are becoming more and more frequent. All in the name of avoiding study… er, I mean, advancing my knowledge and skills as a photographer. Because it’s a worthy substitute, right?!?!
But in all seriousness, no one could have prepared me for the hardest part. The times when even a photographic odyssey can’t salve the conscience. The times when you doubt yourself so much that you feel ready to give it all away and mop floors for a living because that’s all you feel capable of. You see, a PhD challenges you in a way that no amount of reassurances from your friends or family can ever quite counter. The expectations are high, and though everyone assures you that you’re smart and capable enough because hey, they gave you the scholarship after all, there’s that nagging feeling that any moment now someone is going to discover you for the fraud that you are, jump up and shout ‘aha! You’re not smart enough for this at all! What are you doing here?! Get back to mopping floors where you belong’! (not that mopping floors requires no intelligence, and in fact it’s a very valuable job and I’d just like to give a shout out to the millions of cleaners that do a thankless job and keep the world functioning). You read books and articles every day that use a language that you can’t fathom. They understand things that you don’t, and try to explain them in a way that usually just makes it even worse. And everyone else seems to get it, so why don’t you?! You start to wonder what you’re even trying to achieve with your research, and wonder whether it will ever even get off the ground because all of a sudden it looks so amateurish and irrelevant. SO you wander morosely through each day kicking yourself for thinking you’d be able to do it.
Thankfully these moments pass, and you become rational again and realise that it’s all part of the process of learning. It’s an academic apprenticeship after all, and what apprentice knows everything at the beginning?!?! And so you soldier on, hoping that you stay logical enough to write something sufficiently coherent to hand up to your supervisors. And you fumble along ever closer to that point midway through your first year where you try to get approval for your research by pretending like you know what you’re doing, by fake-talking the talk, and fake-walking the walk. After all, fake it til you make it right?! And this is where I’m at now, having turned numerous corners both academically and personally, overcoming physical and mental and emotional barriers to this point where it all culminates in a 10,000 word proposal that all the ‘high up’ people look at, pass judgement on, and deliver their verdict.
I predict a rapid repeat of the familiar oscillation in my near future. Lows and highs, I’m ready for you. I think.
But ‘knowing’ those things, and experiencing them, are two so completely different things disconnected from the reality of each other, that I wonder about really ‘knowing’ what I was getting myself into in the first place. The material compromises have definitely been hard, I can’t deny it. It’s a strange kind of sensation watching your friends and loved ones go about their lives and achieving great successes and great gains both professionally and personally. I am insanely happy for them, there’s really nothing quite like watching the grin spread across your friends’ faces when they buy their first house, or learn that they’re expecting a baby, or are about to embark on a fantastic world trip, or are going from strength to incredible strength in their career. But there’s also something dark and forlorn in my heart at the same time, I call it a little jealousy wrapped up in guilt. I miss being able to just buy that dress because I like it, or just drink that bottle of wine because it’s delicious and not have to worry too much about the price (within reason of course!). And although I’m certainly not ready for the whole baby question yet, I’m certainly sad that despite our reticence in becoming fully fledged adults and embarking upon traditional paths of house buying and furnishing and getting promotions, there’s a very tangible sense of missing out a bit.
But way beyond that is the mental and emotional rollercoaster the past 5 months have represented, and wow what a ride. The dizzying highs of enlightenment and achievement, the soul destroying lows of self-doubt and inadequacy. The workload started out seemingly achievable, reasonable even, and then time started ticking by and before long it seemed like there was still half a mountain left to climb and not enough time or energy to do it. I was stuck on Everest without an oxygen tank or a Sherpa. And on top of it all my thermals were starting to look a little threadbare. Yep, the study strategies I had relied on in the past to keep me from sinking were suddenly becoming woefully inadequate and irrelevant. On top of all the work, I needed to learn a new set of time and data management strategies and coping mechanisms.
Now I’ll be honest, time management has never been my strong point. I can write a list and fill in a diary like a pro, but I am a procrastinator of the highest order. I can utilise substitution and diversion tactics like you wouldn’t believe! Dishes and vacuuming suddenly become attractive, running errands suddenly becomes urgent, and doing some exercise becomes my highest priority. Because after all, if I’m not studying, then I need to be doing something productive that is benefiting me. Something worthy. Something noble. Something…. Well, anything really. It’s no accident that my camera battery is constantly running low – my photographic odysseys around the backyard and neighbourhood are becoming more and more frequent. All in the name of avoiding study… er, I mean, advancing my knowledge and skills as a photographer. Because it’s a worthy substitute, right?!?!
But in all seriousness, no one could have prepared me for the hardest part. The times when even a photographic odyssey can’t salve the conscience. The times when you doubt yourself so much that you feel ready to give it all away and mop floors for a living because that’s all you feel capable of. You see, a PhD challenges you in a way that no amount of reassurances from your friends or family can ever quite counter. The expectations are high, and though everyone assures you that you’re smart and capable enough because hey, they gave you the scholarship after all, there’s that nagging feeling that any moment now someone is going to discover you for the fraud that you are, jump up and shout ‘aha! You’re not smart enough for this at all! What are you doing here?! Get back to mopping floors where you belong’! (not that mopping floors requires no intelligence, and in fact it’s a very valuable job and I’d just like to give a shout out to the millions of cleaners that do a thankless job and keep the world functioning). You read books and articles every day that use a language that you can’t fathom. They understand things that you don’t, and try to explain them in a way that usually just makes it even worse. And everyone else seems to get it, so why don’t you?! You start to wonder what you’re even trying to achieve with your research, and wonder whether it will ever even get off the ground because all of a sudden it looks so amateurish and irrelevant. SO you wander morosely through each day kicking yourself for thinking you’d be able to do it.
Thankfully these moments pass, and you become rational again and realise that it’s all part of the process of learning. It’s an academic apprenticeship after all, and what apprentice knows everything at the beginning?!?! And so you soldier on, hoping that you stay logical enough to write something sufficiently coherent to hand up to your supervisors. And you fumble along ever closer to that point midway through your first year where you try to get approval for your research by pretending like you know what you’re doing, by fake-talking the talk, and fake-walking the walk. After all, fake it til you make it right?! And this is where I’m at now, having turned numerous corners both academically and personally, overcoming physical and mental and emotional barriers to this point where it all culminates in a 10,000 word proposal that all the ‘high up’ people look at, pass judgement on, and deliver their verdict.
I predict a rapid repeat of the familiar oscillation in my near future. Lows and highs, I’m ready for you. I think.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Happy 100th!!!
Two days ago was the 100th International Women's Day. It's celebrated each year on 8 March, the day women finally financially catch up on he previous year's earnings made by men. Yep that's right, women have to work a little over 2 extra months to achieve pay parity with men who work in the same role. This takes into account part-time work, which women regularly do due to trying to balance parenthood and working, just so that anyone who would like to argue that "of course women earn less because they go pat time when they have kids" know that it's been taken care of in the analysis. As have female-dominated work areas such as caring services and administration. Education, qualifications and skills are also accounted for. And still women earn less.
The big question is why. Why on earth in this day and age does this happen? When all the usual answers are accounted for (part-time, lower valued work areas, lower qualifications etc) the disturbing answer you're left with is because women are valued less in our society. We aren't worth as much. And I think a big part of this has to do with reproduction.
Women are of reduced value because of two sides of the same discriminatory coin. We are all potential drains because of the likelihood that we will one day fall pregnant, take maternity leave, come back possibly part time, and generally be seen to be a hassle. Expensive not only in leave entitlements but also in replacement costs to cover the leave and job sharing arrangements to cover any part-time return to work. We are also socially expected to take on the bulk of the child rearing. Motherhood is seen as incompatible with full-time work because women are expected to be the ones to care for their children, breastfeed for as long as possible, take time off and nurse them when they're sick, ferry them to and from school and sports, make their outfits for the school play, prepare nutritious meals for them 3 times a day every day, sit down and help with homework... Phew, I'm tired just writing it, and I've only scratched the surface.
With this dual constraint of perceived financial drain due to possible motherhood, and social expectations regarding actual motherhood, it's no wonder women are devalued in the workplace. And it's one of the great scandals of this day and age that it continues to be so, that this status quo is perpetuated ad infinitum.
I'd like to bring your attention to a wonderful blog post by Annabel Crabb, who says what I want to say so much more eloquently and brilliantly that I'll just post the link to her post so you can read it for yourselves (go on, do it right now...)
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/03/08/3158400.htm?site=thedrum
Perhaps we should start a new show, move over farmers, the wives want a wife!!!
The big question is why. Why on earth in this day and age does this happen? When all the usual answers are accounted for (part-time, lower valued work areas, lower qualifications etc) the disturbing answer you're left with is because women are valued less in our society. We aren't worth as much. And I think a big part of this has to do with reproduction.
Women are of reduced value because of two sides of the same discriminatory coin. We are all potential drains because of the likelihood that we will one day fall pregnant, take maternity leave, come back possibly part time, and generally be seen to be a hassle. Expensive not only in leave entitlements but also in replacement costs to cover the leave and job sharing arrangements to cover any part-time return to work. We are also socially expected to take on the bulk of the child rearing. Motherhood is seen as incompatible with full-time work because women are expected to be the ones to care for their children, breastfeed for as long as possible, take time off and nurse them when they're sick, ferry them to and from school and sports, make their outfits for the school play, prepare nutritious meals for them 3 times a day every day, sit down and help with homework... Phew, I'm tired just writing it, and I've only scratched the surface.
With this dual constraint of perceived financial drain due to possible motherhood, and social expectations regarding actual motherhood, it's no wonder women are devalued in the workplace. And it's one of the great scandals of this day and age that it continues to be so, that this status quo is perpetuated ad infinitum.
I'd like to bring your attention to a wonderful blog post by Annabel Crabb, who says what I want to say so much more eloquently and brilliantly that I'll just post the link to her post so you can read it for yourselves (go on, do it right now...)
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/03/08/3158400.htm?site=thedrum
Perhaps we should start a new show, move over farmers, the wives want a wife!!!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
all at sea
I’m exhausted. There’s no other way of saying it. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I feel like I’ve been chewed up by a giant energy-eating machine and spat out the other end. The kicker is that this is an entirely new experience for me. Well, maybe I’ve been sick before, and drained before, and stressed out and run down and spent before. But never to this extent and for this long. And I can only sum up how I feel about it in one word. Bleeeehhhhhhh...
Ok, so that’s not really a word, more of a vague representation of the sound I make when I think about how I’ve been feeling for the last 3 months. But it’s the best I’ve got right now. I won’t bore you with the details (partly because it’s gross and partly because I’ve already bored some of you with the details!) but suffice it to say some nasty virus took hold of me around the time of our first wedding anniversary and has refused to let go. I’ve battled with ear infections, chest infections and now chronic sinusitis. My physical energy levels regularly dip to barely above comatose, my mental energy is barely sufficient to absorb a page of information, and my emotional energy was entirely spent back in December. I have nothing left to give.
This particularly sucks because I am now faced with the prospect of trying to manage my PhD deadlines while facing down the barrel of likely surgery. This trifecta of no energy, likely surgery and looming deadlines is a deadly mix. No wonder my blood pressure is going haywire! But the worst part of it is the frustration.
It’s killing me not being able to do the things I normally take for granted. Take exercise for instance. I may not be a super fit gym bunny but I love to exercise and try to get a good dose in every day. It makes me feel good and is great for my health and fitness. But riding in to uni kills me most days and I can do it maximum 2 days a week. Even my regular Pilates video is a struggle. On the days I do decide to get some exercise I crash and burn badly afterwards and struggle through the rest of the day. Studying has become almost impossible, I can’t concentrate on anything and my brain is so fuzzy I’m only taking in half of it anyway. But the worst is the emotional energy.
Now I’m no Mother Teresa, not by any stretch of the imagination, but one thing I really try hard on is being there for my friends. To listen to their problems, to offer support, to celebrate or commiserate with them, to help with little things like loaning a book to big things like moving house. And right now I don’t have the energy for any of it, I have nothing left of myself to give. And it’s an awful feeling, it makes me feel so selfish. And I hate selfish people.
So what’s a girl to do? How does one maximise the chances of getting better through rest and relaxation yet still maintain a life that is fulfilling and rewarding? It’s a question that’s eating away at me lately. I have no idea how to balance my desire to get better with my desire to lead a normal life. Any advice, ideas and experiences would be greatly appreciated, because right now I’m feeling all at sea with not a rescue boat in sight.
Ok, so that’s not really a word, more of a vague representation of the sound I make when I think about how I’ve been feeling for the last 3 months. But it’s the best I’ve got right now. I won’t bore you with the details (partly because it’s gross and partly because I’ve already bored some of you with the details!) but suffice it to say some nasty virus took hold of me around the time of our first wedding anniversary and has refused to let go. I’ve battled with ear infections, chest infections and now chronic sinusitis. My physical energy levels regularly dip to barely above comatose, my mental energy is barely sufficient to absorb a page of information, and my emotional energy was entirely spent back in December. I have nothing left to give.
This particularly sucks because I am now faced with the prospect of trying to manage my PhD deadlines while facing down the barrel of likely surgery. This trifecta of no energy, likely surgery and looming deadlines is a deadly mix. No wonder my blood pressure is going haywire! But the worst part of it is the frustration.
It’s killing me not being able to do the things I normally take for granted. Take exercise for instance. I may not be a super fit gym bunny but I love to exercise and try to get a good dose in every day. It makes me feel good and is great for my health and fitness. But riding in to uni kills me most days and I can do it maximum 2 days a week. Even my regular Pilates video is a struggle. On the days I do decide to get some exercise I crash and burn badly afterwards and struggle through the rest of the day. Studying has become almost impossible, I can’t concentrate on anything and my brain is so fuzzy I’m only taking in half of it anyway. But the worst is the emotional energy.
Now I’m no Mother Teresa, not by any stretch of the imagination, but one thing I really try hard on is being there for my friends. To listen to their problems, to offer support, to celebrate or commiserate with them, to help with little things like loaning a book to big things like moving house. And right now I don’t have the energy for any of it, I have nothing left of myself to give. And it’s an awful feeling, it makes me feel so selfish. And I hate selfish people.
So what’s a girl to do? How does one maximise the chances of getting better through rest and relaxation yet still maintain a life that is fulfilling and rewarding? It’s a question that’s eating away at me lately. I have no idea how to balance my desire to get better with my desire to lead a normal life. Any advice, ideas and experiences would be greatly appreciated, because right now I’m feeling all at sea with not a rescue boat in sight.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
maintaining the rage
So even though I haven't set myself any new years resolutions to break, I still feel guilty for not posting sooner. Go figure! But a very belated happy new year to anyone reading! I've been insanely busy with my PhD proposal which is due in about 5 weeks, and those coming 5 weeks are going to be crazily busy! They are the chief cause of my complacency with blogging, taking up not only my time but also most of my mental and emotional energy.
My PhD is essentially how women are treated by staff in an emergency department when they seek help after suffering violence, and whether intoxication at the time of the attack affects the treatment they receive due to the attitudes and beliefs of the staff that are duty bound to provide care to them. I believe clinical staff, particularly doctors and nurses, have a pivotal role to play in not only the care for these women but also in leading and advocating for societal change in how we view these women, given medicine's level of authority and influence in so many spheres of our life.
I wanted to write about why I feel this is such an important issue, and after struggling with where to start I thought that the best way to do that was to use some excerpts from my literature review...
Violence against women, both nationally and globally, is widespread, with the UN indicating up to 70% of women will experience some form of violence in their lifetime (UN Secretary-General’s campaign UNiTE http://www.un.org/en/women/endviolence/situation.shtml). It knows no boundaries of ethnicity, socio-economic status, religion, postcode or education. Not only is it a major public health problem but a violation of human rights (UN universal declaration of human rights http://www.un.org/en/documents/udhr/index.shtml). It takes many forms including physical assault, emotional abuse, rape and sexual assault, stalking, harassment, trafficking, femicide and ‘traditional’ practices such as forced marriage, female genital mutilation and so-called honour killings (WHO fact sheet 239 http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/). Women aged 15-44 across the world are at greater risk of domestic violence and sexual assault than cancer, car accident, malaria and war (World Bank Discussion Paper 255 1994). Injury from sexual assault and physical assault (including domestic violence) is the most common form of violence against women that results in them seeking help from medical services, particularly emergency departments.
The Women’s Safety Australia survey conducted in 1996 (which sadly has not since been replicated) of 6,300 women provides the most comprehensive picture of violence against women in Australia (Women's Safety Australia 1996). It found that 7.1% of women had experienced violence in the last 12 months (5.9% physical violence and 1.9% sexual violence) which based on the Australian population at the time they extrapolated to equate to 404,400 women who experienced physical violence and 133,100 women who experienced sexual violence (p9). Over their lifetime, 33% of women had experienced physical violence and 18% had experienced sexual violence, which based on population figures at the time equated to 2.2 million women who had experienced physical violence in their lifetime and 1.2 million women who had experienced sexual violence (p12). Data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics indicates that 41% of all physical assault victims were female and that 2.4% of all women respondents had been victims of a physical assault in the past 12 months (ABS 1370.0 – assault 2010). Globally, the World Bank reports that between 11-60% of women report experiencing domestic violence in their lifetime (world bank 1994). Other studies have identified between 24- 52% (Tjaden Thoennes 1998; Martin et al 2008; Moracco et al 2007) of women experience physical assault in their lifetime.
In their seminal study conducted on a national sample of college students, Koss and Cox found that over 15 percent of female respondents, or approximately 1 in 6, identified experiencing behaviour that met the legal definition of rape (Koss Cox 1988), findings that are consistently reflected in other studies (Easteal 1993; Kilpatrick Edmunds Seymour 1992; DeKeseredy and Kelly 1993; Gavey 1991; Beattie 1992; Brener, McMahon, Warren & Douglas, 1999; Elliott Mok Briere 2004). In Australia, one study revealed that 24% of the women in the survey reported experiencing at least one completed rape in their adulthood, and 31% reported experiencing at least one attempted rape (Spangaro 1993), while recent data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics shows that there were 89 victims of sexual assault (including rape) per 100,000 of the population (ABS 4510.0 2010). However, as noted by the ABS, “there are a number of personal, social, cultural and institutional barriers that may prevent people reporting incidents to the police or reporting incidents in surveys, therefore, it is likely that survey reported victimisation rates underestimate the true incidence of sexual assault” (ABS 1370.0 – sexual assault 2010).
Physical and sexual assault can have serious impact on a woman’s physical and mental health. Studies have shown experiencing violence is linked with fatal and non-fatal injury, both trauma-specific and generalised pain, gastrointenstinal disorders, gynaecological problems, sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies, disability, disfigurement, sexual dysfunction and mental health problems including post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety and suicidality (Kramer etal 2004; Moracco et al 2007; Resnick et al 2000). This not only affects the quality of life of the victim, but also impacts her family and friends. Experiencing violence also leads to a wide range of emotions including fear, anger, shame, disgust, nervousness, distrust of others, guilt and self-blaming (Campbell 2006). It is unsurprising that even after the physical injuries have healed, the mental and emotional scars can last much longer.
Estimates and studies of the prevalence of alcohol involvement in instances of violence against women vary. Population surveys are one method of gathering prevalence data, and although they rely on self-reporting they provide an important insight. An analysis of the US National Violence Against Women Survey revealed that 19.9% of victims reported intoxication at the time of the assault, and 63.5% perceived that their assailants were intoxicated (Brecklin 2002). In Australia, the Women’s Safety Survey conducted in 1996 revealed that alcohol was present in 41.1% of physical assaults and 38.1% of sexual assaults during the last 12 months (ABS 4128.0). Research studies consistently find that between one third to two thirds of physical or sexual assaults against women involve the perpetrator and/or the victim consuming alcohol (Abbey et al 2003, chase up their refs; Kaysen et al 2010; Brecklin 2002).
Researchers have consistently found that intoxicated victims of physical or sexual assault are deemed more responsible, more blameworthy and having a greater causal role in their victimisation that non-intoxicated victims (Aramburu 1991; Quigley 2006; Cameron 2003). A recent survey conducted by Amnesty International in the UK found that 26% of respondents thought a woman who was drunk when she was raped was partially responsible, and 4% thought that she was totally responsible (Amnesty International 2005). Finch (2007) found that many third party observers hold intoxicated victims at least partially responsible for their victimisation and that these attributions were generally based on different aspects of the victim’s conduct. Quigley and Leonard (2006) argue that this attribution of responsibility for their own victimisation stems from the line of thinking that a person is to blame for choosing to become intoxicated and therefore to blame for their behaviour while intoxicated. Much of the attribution research has been carried out with college students or lay people in mock juror situations. Stewart and Maddren (1997) argued that the findings may not be easily generalised to other groups. They looked at the attributions of blame among police officers, who have specialist knowledge, training and experience in dealing with intoxicated victims of violence, and argued that this specialist knowledge would impact their attributions of blame in such instances. They found that police officers blamed drunk victims more than sober victims, and considered drunk victims “responsible for their victimisation by either provoking the violence or not evading the violence”.(p931) This has significant implications for other professionals with specialist knowledge and skills in dealing with intoxicated victims of violence, particularly health professionals, suggesting that despite the specialist knowledge and training, they may still hold attitudes that seek to blame the victim.
This is clearly a massive problem, both for the victims and for society as a whole that we can foster this level of perpetration and acceptance of violence against women. This is why I'm doing this research. To increase knowledge and change attitudes that will both help the victims and reduce support and acceptance of violence against women across our society. As a survivor. As a woman. And most importantly, as a human being. (I'm happy to provide the full references if anyone would like).
My PhD is essentially how women are treated by staff in an emergency department when they seek help after suffering violence, and whether intoxication at the time of the attack affects the treatment they receive due to the attitudes and beliefs of the staff that are duty bound to provide care to them. I believe clinical staff, particularly doctors and nurses, have a pivotal role to play in not only the care for these women but also in leading and advocating for societal change in how we view these women, given medicine's level of authority and influence in so many spheres of our life.
I wanted to write about why I feel this is such an important issue, and after struggling with where to start I thought that the best way to do that was to use some excerpts from my literature review...
Violence against women, both nationally and globally, is widespread, with the UN indicating up to 70% of women will experience some form of violence in their lifetime (UN Secretary-General’s campaign UNiTE http://www.un.org/en/women/endviolence/situation.shtml). It knows no boundaries of ethnicity, socio-economic status, religion, postcode or education. Not only is it a major public health problem but a violation of human rights (UN universal declaration of human rights http://www.un.org/en/documents/udhr/index.shtml). It takes many forms including physical assault, emotional abuse, rape and sexual assault, stalking, harassment, trafficking, femicide and ‘traditional’ practices such as forced marriage, female genital mutilation and so-called honour killings (WHO fact sheet 239 http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/). Women aged 15-44 across the world are at greater risk of domestic violence and sexual assault than cancer, car accident, malaria and war (World Bank Discussion Paper 255 1994). Injury from sexual assault and physical assault (including domestic violence) is the most common form of violence against women that results in them seeking help from medical services, particularly emergency departments.
The Women’s Safety Australia survey conducted in 1996 (which sadly has not since been replicated) of 6,300 women provides the most comprehensive picture of violence against women in Australia (Women's Safety Australia 1996). It found that 7.1% of women had experienced violence in the last 12 months (5.9% physical violence and 1.9% sexual violence) which based on the Australian population at the time they extrapolated to equate to 404,400 women who experienced physical violence and 133,100 women who experienced sexual violence (p9). Over their lifetime, 33% of women had experienced physical violence and 18% had experienced sexual violence, which based on population figures at the time equated to 2.2 million women who had experienced physical violence in their lifetime and 1.2 million women who had experienced sexual violence (p12). Data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics indicates that 41% of all physical assault victims were female and that 2.4% of all women respondents had been victims of a physical assault in the past 12 months (ABS 1370.0 – assault 2010). Globally, the World Bank reports that between 11-60% of women report experiencing domestic violence in their lifetime (world bank 1994). Other studies have identified between 24- 52% (Tjaden Thoennes 1998; Martin et al 2008; Moracco et al 2007) of women experience physical assault in their lifetime.
In their seminal study conducted on a national sample of college students, Koss and Cox found that over 15 percent of female respondents, or approximately 1 in 6, identified experiencing behaviour that met the legal definition of rape (Koss Cox 1988), findings that are consistently reflected in other studies (Easteal 1993; Kilpatrick Edmunds Seymour 1992; DeKeseredy and Kelly 1993; Gavey 1991; Beattie 1992; Brener, McMahon, Warren & Douglas, 1999; Elliott Mok Briere 2004). In Australia, one study revealed that 24% of the women in the survey reported experiencing at least one completed rape in their adulthood, and 31% reported experiencing at least one attempted rape (Spangaro 1993), while recent data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics shows that there were 89 victims of sexual assault (including rape) per 100,000 of the population (ABS 4510.0 2010). However, as noted by the ABS, “there are a number of personal, social, cultural and institutional barriers that may prevent people reporting incidents to the police or reporting incidents in surveys, therefore, it is likely that survey reported victimisation rates underestimate the true incidence of sexual assault” (ABS 1370.0 – sexual assault 2010).
Physical and sexual assault can have serious impact on a woman’s physical and mental health. Studies have shown experiencing violence is linked with fatal and non-fatal injury, both trauma-specific and generalised pain, gastrointenstinal disorders, gynaecological problems, sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies, disability, disfigurement, sexual dysfunction and mental health problems including post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety and suicidality (Kramer etal 2004; Moracco et al 2007; Resnick et al 2000). This not only affects the quality of life of the victim, but also impacts her family and friends. Experiencing violence also leads to a wide range of emotions including fear, anger, shame, disgust, nervousness, distrust of others, guilt and self-blaming (Campbell 2006). It is unsurprising that even after the physical injuries have healed, the mental and emotional scars can last much longer.
Estimates and studies of the prevalence of alcohol involvement in instances of violence against women vary. Population surveys are one method of gathering prevalence data, and although they rely on self-reporting they provide an important insight. An analysis of the US National Violence Against Women Survey revealed that 19.9% of victims reported intoxication at the time of the assault, and 63.5% perceived that their assailants were intoxicated (Brecklin 2002). In Australia, the Women’s Safety Survey conducted in 1996 revealed that alcohol was present in 41.1% of physical assaults and 38.1% of sexual assaults during the last 12 months (ABS 4128.0). Research studies consistently find that between one third to two thirds of physical or sexual assaults against women involve the perpetrator and/or the victim consuming alcohol (Abbey et al 2003, chase up their refs; Kaysen et al 2010; Brecklin 2002).
Researchers have consistently found that intoxicated victims of physical or sexual assault are deemed more responsible, more blameworthy and having a greater causal role in their victimisation that non-intoxicated victims (Aramburu 1991; Quigley 2006; Cameron 2003). A recent survey conducted by Amnesty International in the UK found that 26% of respondents thought a woman who was drunk when she was raped was partially responsible, and 4% thought that she was totally responsible (Amnesty International 2005). Finch (2007) found that many third party observers hold intoxicated victims at least partially responsible for their victimisation and that these attributions were generally based on different aspects of the victim’s conduct. Quigley and Leonard (2006) argue that this attribution of responsibility for their own victimisation stems from the line of thinking that a person is to blame for choosing to become intoxicated and therefore to blame for their behaviour while intoxicated. Much of the attribution research has been carried out with college students or lay people in mock juror situations. Stewart and Maddren (1997) argued that the findings may not be easily generalised to other groups. They looked at the attributions of blame among police officers, who have specialist knowledge, training and experience in dealing with intoxicated victims of violence, and argued that this specialist knowledge would impact their attributions of blame in such instances. They found that police officers blamed drunk victims more than sober victims, and considered drunk victims “responsible for their victimisation by either provoking the violence or not evading the violence”.(p931) This has significant implications for other professionals with specialist knowledge and skills in dealing with intoxicated victims of violence, particularly health professionals, suggesting that despite the specialist knowledge and training, they may still hold attitudes that seek to blame the victim.
This is clearly a massive problem, both for the victims and for society as a whole that we can foster this level of perpetration and acceptance of violence against women. This is why I'm doing this research. To increase knowledge and change attitudes that will both help the victims and reduce support and acceptance of violence against women across our society. As a survivor. As a woman. And most importantly, as a human being. (I'm happy to provide the full references if anyone would like).
Sunday, December 19, 2010
where did the time go?!?!?
It seems lately that every time I've sat down and thought about writing here, something has come up. Meetings, deadlines, social engagements, being very sick for far too long, and now upcoming holidays over the Christmas break. So it was now or never. I had to get one last quick post in before the rapidly approaching new year begins!
I've been wanting to write about a lot of things, such as white ribbon day (did you know it was on November 25, the UN international day for the elimination of violence against women?), about the joys and pitfalls of alcohol, about what I have learned about marriage, about the daily tv travesty that is two and a half misogynists... err, i mean, two and a half men, and about my ongoing battles with my weight, my self-confidence and my budget. I'd also love to post about the hobbies and activities I've been keenly pursuing lately including getting better acquainted with photography, teaching myself new songs on the piano, and learning new recipes and culinary arts.
But in the spirit of the season, I think I'll make my last post for 2010 about those good old foibles, new years resolutions. Don't get me wrong, I actually kind of get the whole 'new year new you' thing. There's something so conceptually inviting about a new year offering a clean slate. It has a real sense of newness about it, it seems so neat and tidy, so sensible and orderly. My brain knows the 1st of January is the the day after the 31st of December, no different from the transition of any other month, and yet when I look at the calendar, it's like the 31st of December didn't exist. All I see before me is month after month of fresh, new, untouched days, weeks and months. A whole year of it.
The problem with new years resolutions is not that we make them, but that we so often make the wrong ones. Ones that we know deep down inside will be impossible to keep. You know what I'm talking about... promises of more exercise, of a new and better diet, trying harder at our jobs or relationships, losing X amount of weight or saving X amount of money. I've tried most of these at various times, often more than one at a time, and yet come February or March I realise I haven't been able to stick to it, I've failed at it, and I give up and try again the next year.
Big things like these I think are fundamentally unsuited to such a starting point. Not only are they generally very long term and life changing behaviours, but starting them needs to happen at the time when it needs to happen, not on such an arbritrary and false date. Take losing weight for example. If you decide you need to lose weight, there's no point waiting until the new year to do it. Start it the day you make the decision that you want to lose weight. Delaying it until the new year is procrastination and is only setting you up for failure. Or another example might be spending more time with your partner. If you think you don't spend enough time with your partner, then the day you realise that is the day you should act. Why wait?!?!
So I'm not making any new years resolutions this year. I love the neatness of them, but I also realised this year during my attempt to rediscover my give-a-shit that if you want to change something, then it is best to just act on it then and there. Do whatever you can in that moment to set the new train in motion. There's no point predicating such important decisions on a false and arbitrary timeframe. Your whole life, never mind just one year, is in front of you, and every day is day one.
Carpe Diem! Seize the day! Or as that famous multi-national sweat-shop dependent Fortune 500 bloated corporation famously says: Just Do It!
I've been wanting to write about a lot of things, such as white ribbon day (did you know it was on November 25, the UN international day for the elimination of violence against women?), about the joys and pitfalls of alcohol, about what I have learned about marriage, about the daily tv travesty that is two and a half misogynists... err, i mean, two and a half men, and about my ongoing battles with my weight, my self-confidence and my budget. I'd also love to post about the hobbies and activities I've been keenly pursuing lately including getting better acquainted with photography, teaching myself new songs on the piano, and learning new recipes and culinary arts.
But in the spirit of the season, I think I'll make my last post for 2010 about those good old foibles, new years resolutions. Don't get me wrong, I actually kind of get the whole 'new year new you' thing. There's something so conceptually inviting about a new year offering a clean slate. It has a real sense of newness about it, it seems so neat and tidy, so sensible and orderly. My brain knows the 1st of January is the the day after the 31st of December, no different from the transition of any other month, and yet when I look at the calendar, it's like the 31st of December didn't exist. All I see before me is month after month of fresh, new, untouched days, weeks and months. A whole year of it.
The problem with new years resolutions is not that we make them, but that we so often make the wrong ones. Ones that we know deep down inside will be impossible to keep. You know what I'm talking about... promises of more exercise, of a new and better diet, trying harder at our jobs or relationships, losing X amount of weight or saving X amount of money. I've tried most of these at various times, often more than one at a time, and yet come February or March I realise I haven't been able to stick to it, I've failed at it, and I give up and try again the next year.
Big things like these I think are fundamentally unsuited to such a starting point. Not only are they generally very long term and life changing behaviours, but starting them needs to happen at the time when it needs to happen, not on such an arbritrary and false date. Take losing weight for example. If you decide you need to lose weight, there's no point waiting until the new year to do it. Start it the day you make the decision that you want to lose weight. Delaying it until the new year is procrastination and is only setting you up for failure. Or another example might be spending more time with your partner. If you think you don't spend enough time with your partner, then the day you realise that is the day you should act. Why wait?!?!
So I'm not making any new years resolutions this year. I love the neatness of them, but I also realised this year during my attempt to rediscover my give-a-shit that if you want to change something, then it is best to just act on it then and there. Do whatever you can in that moment to set the new train in motion. There's no point predicating such important decisions on a false and arbitrary timeframe. Your whole life, never mind just one year, is in front of you, and every day is day one.
Carpe Diem! Seize the day! Or as that famous multi-national sweat-shop dependent Fortune 500 bloated corporation famously says: Just Do It!
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