searching for...

sometimes you just seem to hit a point where everything becomes just that little bit harder, and you question everything just that little bit deeper. why am i doing this? what do i want to do with my life? what am i trying to achieve? what am i doing to get there? it's fairly existential stuff and you'd think by my age i'd have figured out most of this stuff. but nope. in fact, i'm more confused than ever. i've always been jealous of people who know where they want to go in life and just get on with the business of achieving it. in school, when my classmates all said they wanted to be doctors or lawyers, police or artists, or even stay at home mums; i was jealous. i didn't have the first clue, it changed on an almost daily basis. i understand now that this had something to do with being a perfectionist (and therefore wanting to be good at everything) as well as chronically low self esteem (believing i was good at nothing). but more than that, deep down inside i'm a searcher. i search for new lessons, new experiences, new knowledge, new horizons. i'm not satisfied with sticking with the same thing. this is what is happening in two major areas of my life right now. my health and my career/study. even though i managed to lose a decent amount of weight all on my own, i knew that i could not stay in that place. i needed new things to challenge me, to change me. i needed a new path, new direction, more lessons and discipline. 12WBT has given me that in spades, and boy am i thriving on it. i'm now embracing workouts daily, trying to beat my achievements and replace old records with new ones. i'm loving trying new things with my food, and having to follow a strict regimen of calories to force me to be accountable. i took new measurements today and although my numbers may not be as impressive as some, they are amazing to me and i am stoked. i have to do a fitness test tomorrow to see how far i've come, and i'm both excited and scared. seeing changes in my appearance (yay for muscles, and yay for a slimmer wasitline) and feeling changes in my strength and cardio fitness is beyond good. i LOVE change. the other aspect of my life where this is noticeable is my career/study, but this is going in the opposite direction. i am so bogged down in the nitty gritty of my studies, that the big picture is almost completely obscured. i'm so sick of plugging away at the same thing day in day out, it's driving me bonkers. it's so messed up, here i am studying in the area that i am most passionate about in the world above all else... and i seriously can't be bothered. i think of what i have to do for my studies each day and feel so flat and dejected, i end up spending half the day procrastinating and ending up further and further behind. i wish i could somehow capture that enthusiasm and satisfaction i am getting from changes to my health and fitness and transfer them to my studies. instead i spend the day dreaming about what else i could be doing, and playing the game of wanting to be doing a million other things - anything but this. what it DOES however force me to do is constantly re-evaluate where i am going with this study, and what i want to do with my life at the end of it. more and more i feel the need to be more than one thing, to do more than one thing, in order to be fulfilled. at the moment my dream is to work in a policy or research role regarding violence against women and equality for 3 days a week, and doing photography 2 days a week. and of course still working out 6 days a week. leaving one day for rest. and cooking. and wine. and friends and family. and the beach. and shopping. and everything else that i love...

after the high must come...

the low. it's here. i knew it would eventually pop up and BAMMO. it's like while i slept my brain decided to throw itself a pity party and today i'm left picking up the pieces. the old me would have wallowed in the pity, indulged all the self-loathing, and retreated from the world believing it all to be conspired against me. after all, when things go wrong, it's just confirmation of the fact that i'm not good enough and i'm not supposed to do well in life, right?!?... and all those thoughts are still hanging around, almost tangible as if i could reach out and touch those feelings. a big part of me wants to give up. a big part of me feels i am a big fat failure. a big part of me hates myself. but a little voice inside says NO. i don't want to let life beat me, i want to fight, i want to keep perspective, i want to achieve! which is bizarre, because that little voice is fairly new to me. i've always managed to muddle through these lows, but my sense of self-worth and belief always takes a knocking and takes a long time to recover, only to get knocked around again the next time. vicious cycle really. i'm really not sure what to do with this new voice. i know it's there, and that in itself is a pleasing thought. but i have no idea what to do next, how to push the darkness and hopelessness away and let that voice take over. i feel like i need to end this post on a positive, but i'm just not sure where to go from here... i'm not sure whether to have a day off from study and have a 'be kind to myself' day, or whether to try and be really productive with study to boost my morale... sigh. this grown up thing is not all it's cracked up to be.

cha cha cha cha changes...

it's been a full week since my last post about the 12wbt process, and i can tell you a lot has happened in that time! not only am i now a dab hand at tweaking the nutrition plan, following the plan, exercising every day and falling into bed exhausted but happy every day... i'm also 2.5 kilos down. yep. two point five! the strange thing is i never really thought i would lose much actual weight. i knew i would get healthier, get fitter, possibly lose some excess fat and gain a bit more muscle, but the scales beg to differ. i am now officially the lightest i've ever been as an adult, and i feel much more confident and happy as a result. best of all, the changes are starting to be visible! i couldn't be more chuffed with it really. except for this one nagging doubt... you see, i'm not sure i can keep it up. i don't mean the eating well and exercising regularly. i don't even mean the constant calorie counting. i mean the loss. i'm so afraid if it being a blip, an anomaly, an unsustainable change that once my body adjusts to the new regime it will come back. i like feeling this confident and happy. i don't want to lose that. in fact i want that feeling to keep getting stronger to the point that the unhappy fat girl in my head is but a distant memory, banished forever and replaced with a new confident in my own skin healthy me that tells me i'm good enough. but what if that doesn't happen?! analysis paralysis. yep that's me. overthinking it all yet again. i so desperately want to believe that i can maintain this momentum, and that these changes are here to stay. but... baby steps. for now, without overthinking it, i am truly stoked so far.

some early thoughts

so here i am midway through day 4 and already i'm noticing the changes. i'm eating less and much better, though still going to bed a bit hungry each day. i'm also consciously working out more and harder in an effort to reach the goal of ~500 calories per workout. the diet has been a bit of a challenge but after my initial panic i approached it in a more flexible and creative way and now i'm feeling very positive about the meals, but it took me 2 days to go through that process, and i know it will be the same again next week. hopefully after a few weeks i'll have it down pat and be able to sort through it all and make appropriate changes quickly and easily without having to double check calories and nutrient content etc! with the workouts the biggest change has been in how i feel afterwards. i know i'm pushing myself just that little bit extra now because my muscles are starting to fatigue, i'm exhausted at the end of the day, and completely lathered in sweat at the end of each workout. though i suppose it doesn't help that it's so warm this week - 36 degrees means double the sweat! but by far the biggest change has been my mindset. not so much the 'i'm awesome' kind of change - though hopefully that will come, and stay - but more of the 'this is doable and i can't believe so many people lead such unhealthy lives' kind of mindset. i've had that feeling on and off for a few years now, ever since i started living a much healthier life while trying to lose weight for the wedding, but it's come back with a vengeance. well, they say there are none so enthusiastic as the newly converted! in focusing in a more determined and structured way on my own health, i have noticed with alarm the unhealthy choices of the people around me. even just going through the process of identifying my excuses, means that i now see them everywhere in other people. loads of 'it's too hard' and 'i don't have time' or 'i'm too sick' or 'the kids make it hard' etc. and especially when it comes to food, it's amazing how good we are at convincing ourselves that unhealthy food is ok, with the old 'one bit won't hurt' and 'sugar makes me feel better' and one of my old favourites, 'i NEED chocolate/cake/insert dish of choice here'. my immediate reaction when i see or hear this is a palpable urge to tell them no, you don't NEED chocolate, chips don't make everything better, and it's not too hard and you're not too busy. but then i stop myself. who the hell am i to judge these people?!?!?! i don't walk in their shoes. and the whole reason i'm doing 12wbt in the first place is because i needed to relearn some good habits and get back on the straight and narrow. and so i'm left in a quandary. i want my loved ones to be healthy, to be active and live life to the full. i don't want them to feel they can't, i want them to KNOW they CAN! but i'm not yet in a position to offer much help, after all someone has to want to change, noone else can do it for them. hm. already my journey about 'ME' has extended to other people. how very me.

panic attack

So it turns out that today is the day that I got my meal and fitness plan for week 1 of the 12 week program starting next week. I nervously clicked on the meal plan tab to see what my future would bring, hoping for inspiration and new ideas and beautiful healthy food... and was a little confused by what I saw. Staring back at me were a bunch of meal ideas that closely mirrored my current diet, in fact they contained even less fruit and veg than my current diet (though to be fair also much less alcohol and 'naughty' bits and pieces). Some of it looked interesting and new and exciting, but even with fancy photography, some it looked rather... well, uninspiring. In fact, down right dull. I recognise that the whole point is to change habits, and that 'tasty' food often means food that is high in fat and/or salt and/or sugar and/or carbs. And I know that some of these I need to work on and cut down. There's a reason I struggle to stay under 1200 calories a day! But I'm starting to panic a little... As a self-confessed foodie who tries very hard to eat clean and nutritiously 90% of the time, I was hoping for something more. Perhaps this is the issue - perhaps my expectations are too high. After all, I don't have a lot to lose, I know I already eat well (most of the time) and get a good amount of varied exercise (as the results of the fitness test attest). I'm a competent cook and my fridge is full of fresh fruit and veg. I just needed that extra push, the bit extra motivation and inspiration to get me back on track and get those good habits more deeply entrenched and get my head in a good space. But I'm a little apprehensive. Will this program give me that? To be fair I have improved both in my thinking and my habits since signing up, and have noticed improvements to my strength, fitness and waistline already. Perhaps for me this is not so much about the food and exercise, but about the accountability and structure. Well I guess we shall see...

12WBT pre-season

It has been far too long since I posted anything on my blog, and I figured this was the perfect time to start it up again. After struggling with my self-image, my eating and my fitness on and off for a while, a very dear and amazing friend signed me up to Round 1 of the Michelle Bridges 12WBT. She knew I needed structure, I needed accountability, I needed guidance and support, and I needed new challenges and ideas to get me back on track and feeling positive and healthy like never before! I've been embracing all of the pre-season tasks which has been an interesting and rewarding experience. From identifying my excuses and bad habits, setting goals and chucking out bad food, to doing a fitness test and about to take a heap of measurements (scared!!!!) it has been an amazing journey so far! With less than a week to go I wanted to create a space where I could record my highs and lows, my triumphs and failures, and the rollercoaster that this journey represents. As an over-sharer all of my life, it's important to me to be able to make what I'm going through seem real and valid. So here it is, in all it's naked truth... my 12WBT diary. I'm hoping it will enable me to engage in some critical thought and self-reflection, and understand not only where I am coming from but also where I am going. My weaknesses are 'treats' and eating 'because it's there' - both stem from my childhood where treats were rare and we made the best of it while it lasted, and from often not having a lot of food so you eat what you're given and that plate better be clean by the end of dinner or you'll go hungry! I don't blame my family for this at all, I was surrounded by love and I know they did the best they could and more, often making big sacrifices to give us all sorts of things and experiences. But understanding where it stems from is important if I'm going to be able to conquer it. I am also a bit of a perfectionist, which is a double edged sword. On the one hand it brings with it a disproportionate fear of failure, and I often give up easily or don't even try because I'm so afraid of failing. I am horribly hard on myself. But in the spirit of being positive, I also recognise it gives me the ability to aim really high and push myself really hard in order to meet those goals and standards. My strengths lie in my stubbornness, and my strong desire for a fulfilling life. I have more willpower than I give myself credit for, and ever since I was little I would respond well to any comments along the lines of 'you can't do it', especially if finished with 'because you're a girl'! I'll show you, I think to myself. I'll show you and then some! I know I respond well to a challenge, and to encouragement that pushes and supports. I also have big dreams for my life, for my future, and I don't want anything getting in the way of that. I'm a planner from way back (part of the perfectionist streak), and I can plan like nobody's business, and if anything gets in the way of my plans I will do whatever it takes to remove it or get past it. So that's me in a nutshell. Bring it on!

It ain’t easy being green

As so perfectly summed up by Kermit the Frog all those years ago, it is indeed hard being green. Even now in this supposed enlightened age with greater access to information and services than ever before, it’s still a struggle. Not because it’s hard to get your cardboard and bottles recycled, or even because it’s still prohibitively expensive for many people to access solar and wind power. And I’m certainly the first to chime in when discussing the difficulties of being greener and healthier by riding a bike to work, don’t get me started!

I’m talking more about difficulties at a political and cultural level. Despite all our improved knowledge and sharing of information, being environmentally friendly or sustainable is still seen – socially and politically – as being a bit fringe. A bit out there. Sure everyone now puts their newspapers and bottles in their recycling bin, but anything slightly out of the ordinary and by golly, are you off hugging trees or something mate?!?! We all WANT to be seen to be ‘green’ but few of us do enough really, and I include myself in that.

And I think the main reason for this is our cultural obsession with materialism. We all want the latest and greatest. Latest fashion trends, new and pretty home furnishings, newer better cars, bigger houses, the list goes on. And I confess I’m a sucker for it. I love walking through the mall and seeing new pretty shiny things in windows. I walk through my house sometimes and dream of how nice it would be to have a big wardrobe to put everything in, or a nicer TV stand or a better coffee table. We've been brainwashed into thinking that having new 'things' will make our lives better, make us look better, make us better people. The problem is that sure having these new things would give me a vague sense of satisfaction and excitement of a new ‘thing’, and they may even make my daily life easier/neater/cleaner/prettier. But at the end of the day, they’re not things that I NEED are they?! I have drawers full of clothes, I have a coffee table that does the job just fine, and though a proper wardrobe WOULD be good, the porta-robe is doing the job for now.

It’s really quite hard, despite my best efforts and intentions, to find a happy balance that I know is not too materialistic yet still allows me to want and have nice things sometimes. I’ve lately really enjoyed getting into vintage and preloved clothes and accessories, not just for the awesome retro fashion but because it’s a great form of recycling and I love to think about the stories behind the pieces, who used to wear them, where they’ve been etc. As much as I love new clothes, it saddens me to know they generally come from some factory in China where women are getting paid minimum wage to churn them out then we get slugged some huge amount. It’s the same with new furniture, being churned out of a factory somewhere in Vietnam or Korea to feed the monoliths like Ikea. Trees being chopped down, chemicals being burned, minerals being stripped from the earth, oil being burnt. When you stop and think about it, it can leave you feeling rather depressed and with a headache to boot.

I know I will never stop buying new things entirely, but for the month of October I’m embracing a new concept and campaign called ‘Don’t Buy Anything New Month’. For the entire month of October, any clothes new to me will be preloved or altered. Any other ‘things’ new to me will be likewise preloved. I will abstain from ‘treating’ myself to some nice but unnecessary body lotion or lipgloss. I have enough really. I’m hoping that it will make me really understand and appreciate how much ‘stuff’ I often buy and how little of it I actually need. Hopefully I may even save some money – hurrah! And by the end of the month, despite my absence from the consumerism carousel, I won’t be seen as fringe or a tree-hugger (though I’d like to put it out there that there’s nothing wrong with hugging trees!), but my new-found sense of reduced materialism will be permanent or even contagious.

I would LOVE to get solar power, I really would, but as a full time student sadly that’s just not going to happen any time soon. I need to reconcile myself and be OK with doing what I can, and understanding that it’s always more than we think it is if we just make the effort. After all, it ain’t easy being green, but that’s no reason not to try a little harder.

It's all in the details!

As I have made my first stumbling steps as an amateur photographer (and I use the title ‘photographer’ only in the most literal sense – as someone who takes photographs, I am in no way a ‘photographer’ in the professional sense!) it has become very clear to me that I have developed a very clear preference and bias. Which kind of weirds me out as my brain seems to only function when I can believe in a utopian world where everything is equal. You see, I’ve very much developed a taste for details.

I do wonder to what extent this has been influenced by some wonderful photographers whose work I admire, respect and hope to one day aspire to. They too are drawn to details, and not necessarily in the macro sense but rather the way the light plays on something, the texture of something, contrasts and juxtapositions that are interesting and eye catching, moments in time that are special, seeing into someone’s soul when you look into their eyes, their face and posture radiating who they are and how they feel. These kinds of details draw my eye like nothing else. But then I think perhaps I am drawn to the work of these photographers because they see things the way I do (but are much better at capturing it!). Perhaps it’s a little of column A and column B.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that it is in part due to my borderline OCD when it comes to getting the details right. I’ve never been very good at ‘that will do’, every little bit has to be perfect, whether it be cooking dinner or planning my wedding. (Which turned out to be a headache for the wedding planning). But I know that this is just the way my mind works – it worries about the little details, it looks out for the little things. So when I see some beautiful light or textures I’m drawn to it and want to capture it and convey it.

Despite acknowledging that this is the way my brain works, I am still jealous of those who work differently and can see and capture things in a way that I can’t. (Because of course I’m a perfectionist and I want to be able to do everything perfectly). For instance my brother takes amazing landscape photos. He has the patience to wait for the right light, to search out the right composition, to set up all the gear and capture the whole vista in one fell swoop. When we went out shooting together last year he took stunning photos of sunset skies and mountains and fields. I took photos of the leaves on the railway track. His photos turned out infinitely more breathtaking and had that ‘wow’ factor. I admit I was jealous. But as hard as I try I just can’t get landscape shots right. They end up looking dull and flat. Even when I get the composition ok, nothing else seems to work. They’re ok. Passable. Competent. But way under par. Sigh!

It’s hard to accept that this is the way I work and to let go of being sucky at other types of photography. I know I could improve with some lessons and a ton of practice, but why fight nature. My brain likes details. It likes the way light can play such an important role on something small. It likes trying to bring texture alive. It likes shallow depth of field. And so the way I photograph reflects this. When I see frost on a cabbage, I want to capture it. When I see a small patch of bright green moss on a bare brown branch, I want to capture it. When I see golden rays of light playing in the bushes, I want to capture it. When I see something that has an amazing texture, I want to capture it. I want to convey what I see and how I see it to others. I guess this is the essence of why we take photos beyond the happy snaps at birthdays. And accepting that I see things a certain way is a big part of that, and holds the tantalising promise of feeling liberated and at peace.

20 things I am grateful for

Inspired by a close friend who has done 20 days of gratitude (where each day you write about something that you are grateful to have in your life), I have decided to collapse this simply into my personal top 20 list of things that I am grateful for. It's made me really sit back and take stock of my life and focus on the big and little things, the things that are obvious and the things that are part of the furniture, the things I have worked hard for and the things I have had the immense good fortune to have in my life. SO here they are, in no particular order (well, except maybe the first one)...

1. My partner. I am so grateful to have met my best friend and soul mate, and to be able to share my life with such a wonderful human being who supports and ecourages me, respects and admires me, laughs and cries with me, and loves me as I am.

2. My health. Despite getting a little older (though not necessarily wiser) and noticing things slowing down and starting to creak just a little, I am otherwise in excellent health. My organs all work, I have all my teeth, my legs get me to where I'm going, my arms are able to hug, my eyes can see, my ears can hear, my mouth can talk and taste, my skin can touch and feel, and my brain can take it all in and help me get through every day.

3. Fresh air. In this wide open country we are lucky enough to have fresh air to breathe that is not too heavily congested with pollutants. Sure when I'm riding through traffic I hate getting a lungful of stinky fumes from the bus in front of me, but generally my lungs are clear and I am getting all the oxygen I need.

4. Clean water. This is a big one. I am so lucky to be able to turn on a tap just about anywhere and out comes clean drinkable water! Incredible! Half of the world's population doesn't have this. Not only is it clean and drinkable (if a little icky tasting here in Radelaide), but there is such an abundance of it that I can flush it down the toilet! I can shower daily in it! I know it is always there, even in the worst grips of a drought. I guess I can add power to this too. Because I flip a switch and bam, the light goes on. Every. Time.

5. My friends. I have such an amazing network of friends who all love and support me. Some I see more than others, some I am closer to in temperament or spirit or world view, some are old and some are new. But I love them all and they each give me so much in terms of keeping my mind open, learning new things and becoming a stronger more positive human being.

6. My family. Despite our differences - and there are many - we all love each other very much. I know my parents and siblings will always love and support me, regardless of whether they agree with me. I don't just think it or feel it, I KNOW it, and I am blessed to have such stability and certainty.

7. Summer. I know this must seem like a strange one, but it's more symbolic in what it represents. Our climate is so wonderful that for around 6 months of the year you can sit outside to eat and drink, go down to the beach, spend a LOT of time outdoors, get plenty of sunshine on your skin and in your heart, and generally feel wonderful about the world. Sure those 43 degree days are almost unbearable, but they are monumentally outweighed by all the happiness and promise that summer holds.

8. My education. This is a biggie. My family was always strong on making sure we had a good education, and always encouraged me to do my best, to push myself and reach for the stars. They encouraged me to go to University, where I grew exponentially both in knowledge and in spirit. I have always had a deep-seated desire to know more, to understand more, and to make the world a better place. Happily I passed on the Miss Universe pageant and worked my guts out to get to where I am now - PhD land - and will continue to further my knowledge and understanding throughout my life.

9. I am white and middle class. By dint of luck, I was born to a white family living in the Western world. We were never well off, but we had enough to get by and we were rich in love. Since my teens I have been fiercely independent and have fought hard to pay my own way, to learn and to grow, and to better myself. Though I have encountered much sexism and misogyny in my life, an plenty of anti-pom sentiment, I have never know racism, I have never been unfairly judged due to the colour of my skin. I have been able to work with the system to pay my own way and forge a life for myself that i am happy with and proud of. I know I am lucky.

10. The roof over my head. This is tied in with a few other things I have already mentioned, but I am so grateful that I have a stable roof over my head. We can't afford much, but we have enough to pay our rent and buy food to eat and pay our bills. Regardless of the pros and cons of renting vs buying, we live in a wonderful area in a wonderful house. I am so grateful and never take it for granted.

11. Good food. I am constantly amazed at the array of wonderful nutritious food that is available to me. Fresh fruit and vegetables daily, plenty of variety. It is because I have such wonderful access to a wide variety of nutritious foods that I am able to choose to be vegetarian - I don't have to rely on meat for my protein etc because I have access to plenty of other options inlcuding mushrooms and legumes and soy-based products like tofu and nuts and eggs and dairy. I even have enough space where I live (and enough access to water!) to grow my own vegetables and bake my own bread. Billions of people across the world don't have such a luxury, they have very little food and very little variety. Starvation and malnutrition are commonplace. I am so grateful that I will never have to worry about it because I am surrounded by such wonderful good food.

12. Opportunity. I have been blessed with many opportunities in the past and am grateful that there will be many more in my future. When I speak of opportunity I mean in regards to being a productive member of society. I have had many jobs, some fantastic some not so great, but all of which I've learned from and have helped me become the person I am today. I have been given the opportunity to go to University through HECS (the government paying my fees and me being able to pay it back without interest when i can afford it) and through AUSTUDY (a student living allowance from the government), and now through the offer of a scholarship for my PhD. I know that in this country there will be many more opportunities for me when I graduate, some better than others but I am grateful that I have the certainty that when I graduate I will be able to get at least some kind of decent job.

13. Space. Not outer space, though that's pretty awesome in itself, but the space around me. I live in a country, and indeed in a city, where space is in abundance. My house is plenty big for the two of us, my backyard is big enough to grow vegies in while still be able to run around or host dinner parties. My city is well spaced, with plenty of room for me to get around in without cramming against everyone else. There are plenty of spaces in which I can go for a run or a hike and be the only person for miles. Plenty of green spaces with trees and grass and trails. Plenty of sunlight getting in between buildings both in the city and suburbs. Pretty neat.

14. Safety. With one notable exception, my personal safety has always been fairly secure. I live in a country, and a city, where levels of crime are fairly stable and comparatively low on a global scale. I am not being persecuted for my religion, my culture, my politics, my sexuality, the colour of my skin or my name. The government, though not without its faults, does not interfere with my life. I pay my taxes but do not have to worry about paying corrput officials or militia or vigilantes. I do not live in fear of being bombed or shot. I can voice my opinion, I can be different, and I am safe. So many cannot. How lucky am I.

15. Autonomy. I have full political autonomy; I can vote according to my own values and beliefs, ideas and opinions. I don't have to tell anyone how I vote, no-one can tell me how to vote, I can tell representatives of political parties to leave me alone, and I can voice my opnion. Pretty awesome really. I am in charge of my own life, I make my own decisions about what I do, where I go, what I wear, what I think and what I want. I am grateful for this freedom that so many around the world do not have.

16. Feminism. Even though it's often seen as a dirty word or irrelevant - even Margaret Thatcher herself declared that "I owe nothing to feminism" (I don't think she saw the irony) - I feel I owe a lot to feminists past and present. They fought to give me full franchise (see above), they fought to give me full access to education and the workplace. They fought for maternity leave, for equal rights and equal pay. They fought to criminalise sexual harrassment, discrimination and sexual assault. I enjoy all of these benefits and more. Though there is still much to be done in achieving equality, even in this country let alone globally, so much has already been accomplished and I am forever grateful.

17. Wine, cheese and chocolate. Ok, so these are perhaps a little frivolous, but they are my favourite indulgences (hence I have grouped them together) and I am grateful to the many men and women over the years who have discovered and refined these products to what they are today. I enjoy them so much as one of life's pleasures, and thanks to my incredibly lucky access to such wonderful food (see above) I am grateful that I can experience and enjoy such luxury items.

18. Belly laughs. Because they make me feel so damn good. And they remind you that life can be fun and wonderful and invigorating. You know the ones, they scrunch up your face and laughter comes tumbling out of your mouth from way down deep in your tummy. I am grateful for everything that causes these.

19. My creative outlet. That's right, my little camera. I am thankful that I have found a creative outlet that I love so much and that brings me so much joy and satisfaction. From my partner who bought me my camera, to my wonderful friends and family who offer me advice and support and guidance and camaradery, I am forever grateful.

20. Communication. I am grateful for the fact that I can sit at this computer and type this and not only will the internet beam it across to your computer where you can access it, but the jumble of letters will make sense to you and you will understand me (hopefully anyway!). I can pick up the phone and call someone and we can talk, even though we might be miles apart. I can call someone on their mobile phone in the middle of the desert (well, if they're with Telstra anyway!). I can start up the camera on my computer or ipad or phone and beam a live video of me across to someone else, and have a pseudo 'face to face' conversation. I can post some thoughts or some photos to facebook and all my friends and family across the planet can see them. I am grateful to have such a wide variety of technologies available to me. But more than that, communication, be it face to face or a letter or a skype call or a phone call or a blog post or whatever, is about sharing. Sharing ideas and thoughts, perspectives and insights, ways of seeing and knowing, ways of thinking and doing, sharing love. Our written and spoken language, our physical gestures, are all about conveying who we are to each other. Pretty awesome stuff.

slut or not, rape is still rape

Starting as a localised protest about the remarks made by a policeman in Canada who blamed a woman for being raped because of the way she dressed, Slutwalk has become a worldwide phenomenon of women who are fed up of being blamed for rape. Since the 1960s, women have had to continuously fight against a culture of victim blaming that seeks to maintain the power imbalance between men and women. It breaks my heart that 50 years later, despite many inroads towards gender equality, we are still fighting that fight.

We all know what this culture looks and sounds like, we live it every day. We see it in the media, on the streets, and even in our personal lives.”She was asking for it”, “she was flirting with me”, “she was drunk”, “she said no but she really meant yes”, “she’s slept with others”, “she was dressed like a slut”. These rape myths seek to reinforce sex roles that see men as entitled to sexual fulfilment and in control, and sees women as sexually subordinate and existing for men’s gratification. Men take, women are taken. It is ironic that despite men having all the power and control, women are the gatekeepers of sex. Women are the ones who must say no, must fight back, must not be provocative, and must not get intoxicated. These rape myths all lay the responsibility of the rape at the feet of women.

But they don’t exist in some abstract universe, they exist in everyday people. They are a pervasive and insidious part of our culture. So much so that they have appeared in police statements, medical records, court proceedings and even in judge comments. They are so insidious that they even exist in you and me. It hurts to say it, but it’s true. I grew up with family members who thought this way, with peers in school who thought this way, with media that portrayed it this way. And you did too.

Thankfully as adults we have the opportunity to think more consciously about it and realise that these rape myths are total and utter bullshit. That no woman is responsible for being raped, no matter who she is, what her sexual history, what she had been drinking, how much she was flirting, or what she had been wearing. That no really does mean no. But sadly not everyone takes the opportunity to think consciously about it. Our cultural understanding of rape is dominated by these myths, stereotypes and mistruths.

This is what Slutwalk was about. It was about bringing attention to the fact this our cultural understanding of rape has not fundamentally changed in 50 years. It was about saying enough is enough. It was about using that wonderful term of derision – slut – to take away some of its power, because lord knows, it gets bandied around way too much when discussing women’s behaviour and attire.

I often get asked what I think about “slutty” clothes and behaviour, because it presents a very real and practical conundrum. One the one hand, without a question in my mind women (and men for that matter) should be able to wear whatever they please, and express themselves in whatever way they please so long as it does not harm anyone else. I may think it rarely looks classy, or even sexy, but they are my values and tastes and I won’t impose them on others. However, on the other hand it is clear to anyone that has been out in public that wearing revealing clothing and behaving in a sexualised way will attract attention. Most of that attention is benign, ranging from Grannies shaking their heads to young blokes thinking wahey! But there is also a certain amount of attention that is sexualised, that sees it as an invitation to take advantage. It shouldn’t, but it does.

And therein lies the rub. That is the part of our culture that needs to change. While there are people in our society who think that women who dress or behave “provocatively” (and I use that loaded term loosely) are inviting sexual assault, then there is still a need to keep fighting for cultural change. Because in this day and age surely we all know by now that it’s not just ‘innocent’ women who can be raped. “Sluts” can be raped too. No-one deserves it, and no matter what the circumstances the only person who is responsible is the rapist. Full stop.

look once, look twice, look bike!

As a regular commuter on my bike for some time, I've seen some pretty poor behaviour over the years. Some of it from pedestrians, some of it from other cyclists, and most of it from mostorists. I have always maintained that it is the responsibility of everyone who uses the road to do the right thing, to behave appropriately and to be considerate.

I believe that sadly there is a certain proportion of people in this world who are selfish wankers. You know the ones, we've all met them or worked with them: they're the people that are always rude, obnoxious, treat other people badly, and think that it's all about them. It turns out that some of them ride bikes, and some of them drive cars. Honestly I've seen some cyclists that give me the absolute shits, blatantly running red lights, riding on the footpath, and generally doing stupid things that inconvenience others. I hate these guys because they give the rest of us a bad reputation. In that grand old tradition of tarring everyone with the same brush, many people who can't think for themselves simply see cyclists behaving badly like this and assume that all cyclists therefore are wankers.

And I've seen plenty of evidence of motorists behaving badly too. Opening car doors onto oncoming cyclists, driving too closely, cutting bikes off, beeping and yelling abuse, not giving way and pulling out in front of oncoming bikes. I see at least one of these thing happen most days that I ride - that is no exaggeration. It would be so easy for me to fall into the trap of tarring all motorists with the same brush ad assuming that they're all wankers. But of course I know they're not, because I'm aware enough to realise that for every motorist that behaves badly, there are countless others who go about their business doing the right thing, and in fact many who are very polite and give way to me when they don't have to or give me a very wide berth just to be safe.

It would be wonderful if everyone, cyclists and motorists, could stop and think for a moment and realise that despite that small proportion of cyclists and motorists who do the wrong thing and behave badly, there is a huge proportion who get on with it and do the right thing, are considerate and polite, and follow the road rules. You tend not to notice them as much as the bad eggs because they fade into the background, because they're behaving the way that they should. And without wishing to sound like a Miss Universe contestant, wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along for once.

But I would like to make one distinction. Without a doubt bikes can be very dangerous and cause a lot of damage. But cars and other vehicles, they are deadly weapons. The amount of damage they can cause to each other is vast and undeniable, let alone to a cyclist. I posted last year about a crash I had where a car cut in front of me without seeing me, sending me careening into the side of the car at around 30kmph. Needless to say the occupants of the car were completely without physical impact - though they were visibly upset and shaken - whereas I ended up covered in bruises, stiff and sore, with my wheel buckled. I was lucky to not receive more serious injuries because I was able to stay upright. This power differential is undeniable, and will never change. I believe that it therefore places an extra onus on motorists - as the drivers of vehicles that can cause a serious amount of damage - to take greater caution around cyclists (and others in general).

I want to relay one other story. A couple of weeks ago I witnessed some of the worst road rage I have ever seen. Another cyclist overtook me (yes, sadly he was much fitter than I!) completely legally, and I even had time to look over my shoulder as he did so and noted that there was plenty of room in the lane to do so with a 4WD behind him in the lane. However, the driver of the 4WD took umbrage that this cyclist was in front of him (shock horror, he couldn't accelerate as fast as he would have liked, which woudl actually have been pointless as there was a red light up ahead) and proceeded to chase down the cyclist and swerve into him. The cyclist, shocked as he was, was able to get out of the way in time, and as the light turned green he took off again (might I add I was right behind the other cyclist this whole time, and we were both following the road rules and doing everything right), when the driver swerved again into where we were riding, narrowly missing both of us. We had to stop as he had completely blocked our path. He then proceeded to get out of his car, which he had stopped in the middle of a busy lane in the city, and verbally abuse the other cyclist. The other cyclist looked bewildered, said that he was sorry if he felt inconvenienced, and then managed to ride off again. At the next set of lights the driver did the same thing again, swerving into us and narrowly missing both of us, before he opened his window and yelled abuse again, then sped off. I was so shocked and upset I had trouble cycling all the way home. That man had gotten into such a rage over a trifling minor inconvenience which was completely legal, and used his massive car as a weapon. He could have easily knocked one or both of us off our bikes if we weren't being so careful and anticipating his erratic and boorish behaviour.

Think about that for a moment. A perceived slight resulted in a great big 4WD being used essentially as a weapon to intimidate if not harm. I can't imagine what made him think that was reasonable behaviour, even if the cyclist had done something wrong how could that ever be an acceptable way to react. Yep, he was definitely one of the aforementioned wankers that happens to drive a car.

There was a TV campaign when I was a child in England that went "look once, look twice, look bike" to raise awareness of cyclists and the rights and responsibilities of sharing the road. I believe it applies as much today as ever. I really do wish we could all just share the road fairly and responsibly and do the right thing, but I also know that as long as a small proportion of motorists think it's acceptable to behave so badly towards cyclists, the massive power differential will mean that cyclists will always feel more vulnerable and therefore defensive.

Stay safe on the roads, and remember to not just look for cars or a pair of headlights, but look for bikes and little flashing lights too!

Parochialism at its worst

I am so excited to see that politicians are finally starting to talk again about the science of climate change. There was so much momentum 4 or 5 years ago, and the community was starting to realise that it wasn’t something we could stick our heads in the sand about. People started to understand that rampant industrialism and consumerism was causing our planet significant damage. That WE were responsible.

Then it disappeared and in the interim years we have had very little science and a whole lot of misinformation. Dressed up as concern for the financial and social impact of decreasing pollution and carbon emissions, it included insidious refutation of the science, seeking to confuse and obscure the consensus of the scientific community.

And Australians fell for it. Big time. We have gone so far backwards in our understanding and acceptance of the science and our fear of the possible short term financial and social costs of switching to cleaner greener power, that the recent update and concise presentation of recent scientific information about climate change – the Climate Change Commission’s Report entitled “The Critical Decade” – elicited a greater number of misinformed and ignorant comments than I’ve ever seen. And the two themes that seem to keep cropping up – apart from the standard “the world’s climate has been changing for millennia and it’s natural” – are that the financial burden is too great for our society to bear, and that Australia is so small in total global emissions that any change would not only be insignificant globally but leave us hanging high and dry alone.

These two points seem to reflect to me all that is undesirable about Australian parochialism. Yes we have a wonderful laid back view and pace of life and a she’ll be right mentality. But we have allowed ourselves to become so parochial as to think of nothing but ourselves and our hip pockets. So narrow-minded and guided by fear and loathing as to shirk all that is difficult and different. So focused on short-term costs and benefits that we are unable to lift our gaze to the future. It breaks my heart.

I may not be an economist, but even I can see the potential for great financial and social benefit to our society if we make the switch to green energy. A shift to manufacturing and producing products such as solar panels and wind turbines represents jobs and a boost to the economy. A greater focus on research and development of cleaner and greener transport, manufacturing methods, fuels and other forms of energy generation would place us at the forefront of this area. A price on carbon (whether you call it a tax or otherwise) is essential to wean big business off high carbon emitting methods, and would be even more effective if coupled with incentives to switch to greener methods. Which would be easier to do if we had the industry and resources here to do it. All of these things go hand in hand, and though there is likely to be a short term rise in the cost of electricity and fuel and goods, the long-term benefits are undeniable.

Recent arguments that it doesn’t make sense for Australia to lead the world on a switch to clean energy and on pricing carbon are now void and redundant. We can’t and won’t, because the UK and some states in the USA are already doing this. It is currently being considered in the EU. At the rate we’re going we’ll be late to the party and have lost every chance at the advantages of being at the front of the pack. The fact that this argument is still trotted out shows the ignorance amongst the community, either innocent or wilful, about what else is happening in the world, and simply provides a paper veil to hide behind so they can either stick their heads back in the sand or conceal even greater scepticism in the guise of seeming rational and concerned.

It’s time we as Australians woke up to ourselves and this herd mentality. Is it so hard to not only think for ourselves but to also take action? To inform ourselves through reading and critical thinking, and to start to think long-term not only for our sake but for the sake of every future generation. It’s time to take off the blinkers that politicians and much of mass media would have us wear to keep us pliable and gullible. It’s time for us to grow up as a country and to take action rather than sit in the corner like a sullen teenager crying “he’s not doing it so why should I”? Parochialism can have its benefits, helping a community feel more cohesive and a sense of identity and common ground, but at the moment we are a greedy lot who think only of ourselves, hate change and difference, and collectively can’t think past tomorrow.

We need to change, before our climate does irrevocably.

A treatise on marriage

At the wedding of one of my best mates on the weekend, I found myself reflecting on my own feelings about the institution of marriage, and the evolution of my thoughts and feelings regarding the subject. So what better opportunity to express those thoughts than here! I want to try and keep it short and simple because in reality the meaningfulness of marriage, in my eyes anyway, is very simple indeed. And although by keeping it short and simple I'm not really writing a treatise in the strict sense of the word, I hope you can bear with me.

Keeping aside the separate issue of weddings (which are indeed separate and different to marriage), it took me a long time to come around to the idea of marriage. I felt very strongly that I didn't need to be married to prove my love or commitment to my partner, that I didn't need the blessings and legal recognition of the state or any God, and that I didn't want to change what we already had which was pretty close to perfect in my eyes.

After some serious reflection and pondering I came to the realisation that getting married is not about proving anything, changing anything or seeking social approval and sanction. If you get married to change your relationship, then you're getting married for the wrong reasons. If you feel you need to prove your love and commitment, then getting married is not the way to do it.

You see, I feel that getting married should change nothing about your relationship. And I know that this then opens up the question, then why do it at all?! Indeed, I would ask this question myself. But I've come to the realisation that this is a false dichotomy, a false supposition that change is important and that marriage should or should not be the catalyst for it. Because of course relationships change every day, and yet they remain constant. Little things change, and sometimes big things change. It is inevitable because it involves two people, and humans by our very nature grow and learn and change and develop. Two people doing this will lead to constant changes throughout a relationship, in priorities, in ways of communicating, in health, in libido, in all sorts of things. But relationships are also constant, the love and commitment and sharing of life is always there. This is why it's such a false premise to assume that one should or should not get married based on whether change may or may not occur.

The other major obstacle for me was feeling that marriage was in some way proving to everyone else how much you loved and were committed to your partner, that it was the ultimate social mechanism for doing this. But that this somehow made it hollow and less meaningful. After all, I need prove to no-one except my partner how much I love and respect them, and there are myriad ways to do that other than marriage. I believe that this still holds true. If you feel you need to prove something to other people then there's something wrong, either with them or with you. Again this argument about needing to prove your love and commitment is false and misleading. Marriage isn't about proving anything, and if it is then you're starting off your marriage on the wrong foot which is potentially very dangerous and destructive. Proving your love or commitment actually isn't about your love or commitment to your partner, it's about issues you have with other people either specifically or generally and your need to feel accepted or approved. And if getting married isn't truly about your love and commitment to your partner, then you shouldn't be getting married at all.

You see, I slowly came to the realisation that if you strip away all the fluff from the institution of marriage (and the wedding stuff) it comes down to one thing.

You. I choose you. I choose you to share my life with. To grow old with. To be my partner, my lover and my best friend, my confidant and my co-conspirator. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I will always love you and hope you will always love me too. And as a symbol of this, I will sign this bit of paper. It says that I choose you. And you choose me.

Everything else is gravy...

Easter greetings!

Happy Easter to one and all, and to all a happy Easter! it's that time of the year again when we stock up on overpriced chocolate, indulge in some hot cross buns, and relish the hugely long weekend with loved ones. The weather is even nice this year!

But a spate of discussions lately about the "real" meaning of Easter, and in particular a very interesting debate on the 7pm Project with the always interesting Father Bob about whether non-believers should get to have Easter off too, I can't help but examine my own thoughts on the issue. Which of course means writing them down here!!!

So first off, the question of the "true" or "real" meaning of Easter. We all know that in the Christian faith, Easter is marking the occasion when Jesus was crucified on the cross and his resurrection. Nobody would argue that this meaning is important to Christians. However, it is important to acknowledge that not everyone shares this faith, and therefore these meanings. And as surely as it is important that the meaning that Christians ascribe to Easter should be respected, so too should the meaning others give to it. Otherwise it becomes a fight over whose meaning of Easter is more worthy, more deserving, more 'right'. A terrible prospect indeed!

For centuries, Easter coincided with the Pagan tradition of celebrating the spring (or vernal) equinox. This is where the traditions of eggs comes from, as eggs symbolise fertility and new life, the essence of spring. The dates for Easter have varied over the centuries due to changing calendars being used (eg Julian, Gregorian etc) although always based on the Sunday following a particular (Paschal) full moon. I may sound heretical here, but I find the very fact that the date is determined by the church itself based on the moon's cycle as rather, well, pagan-like. As with Christmas, over time the traditions of the two celebrations practiced at the same time were brought together. I mention this not to diminish the meaning some people give to Easter, but to indicate that it has historically been interwoven with other traditions and celebrations. This very fact indicates that there are other meanings given to the Easter weekend that do not involve the death and resurrection of Jesus.

Which moves me onto the second point about whether non-Christians can rightfully claim to have the Easter holidays that those of religious faith do. My answer is absolutely yes. We are not a divided country where those of different faith are at odds with each other or completely removed from the realities of each others' lives. We are a secular society that promotes acceptance, diversity and respect. As with previous incarnations where Christian religious observances coincided with other celebrations within society, so too does Easter today. Good Friday and Easter Sunday and Easter Monday are public holidays. And as with all public holidays, they apply to everyone. How you choose to observe the day is up to you. The meaning you ascribe to it is up to you. They have retained the names from Christianity as this is historically how the Easter weekend was valued and understood.

There are many other public holidays that are not connected to religious observances (such as New Years Day and Labour Day), and there are many religious observances that are not connected to public holidays (such as Ramadan and Diwali, or even Palm Sunday). If public holidays were faith-based then the separation of different sections of our society would be beyond repair as each section becomes more and more insular and separate. And what of those of no faith? are they to have no holidays at all, as punishment for not believing? And can anyone explain to me what Easter Monday is actually about? There are no specific religious meanings, rituals or traditions for this day that I know of - so is it a religious holiday or is it an extra day tacked on to Easter? If it is just tacked on to Easter, does that mean everyone can enjoy it, or still only Christians given that it's called "Easter" Monday?

Public holidays are just that - they are public, they are for everyone. It is up to each person to do with that day what they please, to give it the meaning they wish, and to practice any observances they wish. It doesn't matter if people of no faith partake of hot cross buns or chocolate eggs, because they are giving Easter their own meaning (calorific though it may be!) perhaps of time with family, or with friends. Those who are of Christian faith give it their own meaning too, and observe a number of religious traditions and rituals that they feel gives meaning to Easter.

I'll use ANZAC day as my final example. It falls on Easter Monday this year, so an extra public holiday will be held on the Tuesday. This poses an interesting conundrum. Are they being given two separate public holidays so that they can be observed separately? or just so that we can all get our proper allocation of public holidays? What of those who wish to observe the significance of ANZAC day, can they do it on the actual day or do they have to wait until Tuesday so that the "Easter" Monday can be kept separate? What of those who despite a deep respect for ANZACs do not wish to partake of any specific observations or rituals on ANZAC day, are THEY any less deserving of the public holiday? My argument is simply this - whatever your religious persuasions, public holidays are given by the government so that EVERYONE can have the day off and enjoy it in whatever way is meaningful to them. Easter has been kept as a public holiday (or three!) due to the particular significance that this event holds to a significant number of the population, and the same with Christmas. Christians should count themselves lucky that they get a public holiday off to help them celebrate and concentrate on their meaning of the occasion. And that they have the time and space to celebrate it with loved ones, of faith or not, who also have the time off.

Enjoy the long break for Easter, and whatever meaning it has for you!

The PhD journey so far...

When I applied for my PhD I knew that getting it entailed myriad obstacles and challenges. I knew that it meant at least 3 years of borderline poverty, missing out on many of the adventures and acquisitions of our peers including home buying, holiday making, furniture, clothes, eating out and buying nice wine and many other little luxuries. Even the simple things like having health insurance (which should be totally unnecessary in Australia but that’s a whole other post!) and going to Womadelaide are on hold for 3 years. I also knew that it would be a mental and emotional rollercoaster of epic proportions, with tight deadlines, high expectations, insane hours, tedious writing and planning, and any amount of stress you can name. All in the quest for the ultimate prize – a PhD.

But ‘knowing’ those things, and experiencing them, are two so completely different things disconnected from the reality of each other, that I wonder about really ‘knowing’ what I was getting myself into in the first place. The material compromises have definitely been hard, I can’t deny it. It’s a strange kind of sensation watching your friends and loved ones go about their lives and achieving great successes and great gains both professionally and personally. I am insanely happy for them, there’s really nothing quite like watching the grin spread across your friends’ faces when they buy their first house, or learn that they’re expecting a baby, or are about to embark on a fantastic world trip, or are going from strength to incredible strength in their career. But there’s also something dark and forlorn in my heart at the same time, I call it a little jealousy wrapped up in guilt. I miss being able to just buy that dress because I like it, or just drink that bottle of wine because it’s delicious and not have to worry too much about the price (within reason of course!). And although I’m certainly not ready for the whole baby question yet, I’m certainly sad that despite our reticence in becoming fully fledged adults and embarking upon traditional paths of house buying and furnishing and getting promotions, there’s a very tangible sense of missing out a bit.

But way beyond that is the mental and emotional rollercoaster the past 5 months have represented, and wow what a ride. The dizzying highs of enlightenment and achievement, the soul destroying lows of self-doubt and inadequacy. The workload started out seemingly achievable, reasonable even, and then time started ticking by and before long it seemed like there was still half a mountain left to climb and not enough time or energy to do it. I was stuck on Everest without an oxygen tank or a Sherpa. And on top of it all my thermals were starting to look a little threadbare. Yep, the study strategies I had relied on in the past to keep me from sinking were suddenly becoming woefully inadequate and irrelevant. On top of all the work, I needed to learn a new set of time and data management strategies and coping mechanisms.

Now I’ll be honest, time management has never been my strong point. I can write a list and fill in a diary like a pro, but I am a procrastinator of the highest order. I can utilise substitution and diversion tactics like you wouldn’t believe! Dishes and vacuuming suddenly become attractive, running errands suddenly becomes urgent, and doing some exercise becomes my highest priority. Because after all, if I’m not studying, then I need to be doing something productive that is benefiting me. Something worthy. Something noble. Something…. Well, anything really. It’s no accident that my camera battery is constantly running low – my photographic odysseys around the backyard and neighbourhood are becoming more and more frequent. All in the name of avoiding study… er, I mean, advancing my knowledge and skills as a photographer. Because it’s a worthy substitute, right?!?!

But in all seriousness, no one could have prepared me for the hardest part. The times when even a photographic odyssey can’t salve the conscience. The times when you doubt yourself so much that you feel ready to give it all away and mop floors for a living because that’s all you feel capable of. You see, a PhD challenges you in a way that no amount of reassurances from your friends or family can ever quite counter. The expectations are high, and though everyone assures you that you’re smart and capable enough because hey, they gave you the scholarship after all, there’s that nagging feeling that any moment now someone is going to discover you for the fraud that you are, jump up and shout ‘aha! You’re not smart enough for this at all! What are you doing here?! Get back to mopping floors where you belong’! (not that mopping floors requires no intelligence, and in fact it’s a very valuable job and I’d just like to give a shout out to the millions of cleaners that do a thankless job and keep the world functioning). You read books and articles every day that use a language that you can’t fathom. They understand things that you don’t, and try to explain them in a way that usually just makes it even worse. And everyone else seems to get it, so why don’t you?! You start to wonder what you’re even trying to achieve with your research, and wonder whether it will ever even get off the ground because all of a sudden it looks so amateurish and irrelevant. SO you wander morosely through each day kicking yourself for thinking you’d be able to do it.

Thankfully these moments pass, and you become rational again and realise that it’s all part of the process of learning. It’s an academic apprenticeship after all, and what apprentice knows everything at the beginning?!?! And so you soldier on, hoping that you stay logical enough to write something sufficiently coherent to hand up to your supervisors. And you fumble along ever closer to that point midway through your first year where you try to get approval for your research by pretending like you know what you’re doing, by fake-talking the talk, and fake-walking the walk. After all, fake it til you make it right?! And this is where I’m at now, having turned numerous corners both academically and personally, overcoming physical and mental and emotional barriers to this point where it all culminates in a 10,000 word proposal that all the ‘high up’ people look at, pass judgement on, and deliver their verdict.

I predict a rapid repeat of the familiar oscillation in my near future. Lows and highs, I’m ready for you. I think.

Happy 100th!!!

Two days ago was the 100th International Women's Day. It's celebrated each year on 8 March, the day women finally financially catch up on he previous year's earnings made by men. Yep that's right, women have to work a little over 2 extra months to achieve pay parity with men who work in the same role. This takes into account part-time work, which women regularly do due to trying to balance parenthood and working, just so that anyone who would like to argue that "of course women earn less because they go pat time when they have kids" know that it's been taken care of in the analysis. As have female-dominated work areas such as caring services and administration. Education, qualifications and skills are also accounted for. And still women earn less.

The big question is why. Why on earth in this day and age does this happen? When all the usual answers are accounted for (part-time, lower valued work areas, lower qualifications etc) the disturbing answer you're left with is because women are valued less in our society. We aren't worth as much. And I think a big part of this has to do with reproduction.

Women are of reduced value because of two sides of the same discriminatory coin. We are all potential drains because of the likelihood that we will one day fall pregnant, take maternity leave, come back possibly part time, and generally be seen to be a hassle. Expensive not only in leave entitlements but also in replacement costs to cover the leave and job sharing arrangements to cover any part-time return to work. We are also socially expected to take on the bulk of the child rearing. Motherhood is seen as incompatible with full-time work because women are expected to be the ones to care for their children, breastfeed for as long as possible, take time off and nurse them when they're sick, ferry them to and from school and sports, make their outfits for the school play, prepare nutritious meals for them 3 times a day every day, sit down and help with homework... Phew, I'm tired just writing it, and I've only scratched the surface.

With this dual constraint of perceived financial drain due to possible motherhood, and social expectations regarding actual motherhood, it's no wonder women are devalued in the workplace. And it's one of the great scandals of this day and age that it continues to be so, that this status quo is perpetuated ad infinitum.

I'd like to bring your attention to a wonderful blog post by Annabel Crabb, who says what I want to say so much more eloquently and brilliantly that I'll just post the link to her post so you can read it for yourselves (go on, do it right now...)

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/03/08/3158400.htm?site=thedrum

Perhaps we should start a new show, move over farmers, the wives want a wife!!!

all at sea

I’m exhausted. There’s no other way of saying it. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I feel like I’ve been chewed up by a giant energy-eating machine and spat out the other end. The kicker is that this is an entirely new experience for me. Well, maybe I’ve been sick before, and drained before, and stressed out and run down and spent before. But never to this extent and for this long. And I can only sum up how I feel about it in one word. Bleeeehhhhhhh...

Ok, so that’s not really a word, more of a vague representation of the sound I make when I think about how I’ve been feeling for the last 3 months. But it’s the best I’ve got right now. I won’t bore you with the details (partly because it’s gross and partly because I’ve already bored some of you with the details!) but suffice it to say some nasty virus took hold of me around the time of our first wedding anniversary and has refused to let go. I’ve battled with ear infections, chest infections and now chronic sinusitis. My physical energy levels regularly dip to barely above comatose, my mental energy is barely sufficient to absorb a page of information, and my emotional energy was entirely spent back in December. I have nothing left to give.

This particularly sucks because I am now faced with the prospect of trying to manage my PhD deadlines while facing down the barrel of likely surgery. This trifecta of no energy, likely surgery and looming deadlines is a deadly mix. No wonder my blood pressure is going haywire! But the worst part of it is the frustration.

It’s killing me not being able to do the things I normally take for granted. Take exercise for instance. I may not be a super fit gym bunny but I love to exercise and try to get a good dose in every day. It makes me feel good and is great for my health and fitness. But riding in to uni kills me most days and I can do it maximum 2 days a week. Even my regular Pilates video is a struggle. On the days I do decide to get some exercise I crash and burn badly afterwards and struggle through the rest of the day. Studying has become almost impossible, I can’t concentrate on anything and my brain is so fuzzy I’m only taking in half of it anyway. But the worst is the emotional energy.

Now I’m no Mother Teresa, not by any stretch of the imagination, but one thing I really try hard on is being there for my friends. To listen to their problems, to offer support, to celebrate or commiserate with them, to help with little things like loaning a book to big things like moving house. And right now I don’t have the energy for any of it, I have nothing left of myself to give. And it’s an awful feeling, it makes me feel so selfish. And I hate selfish people.

So what’s a girl to do? How does one maximise the chances of getting better through rest and relaxation yet still maintain a life that is fulfilling and rewarding? It’s a question that’s eating away at me lately. I have no idea how to balance my desire to get better with my desire to lead a normal life. Any advice, ideas and experiences would be greatly appreciated, because right now I’m feeling all at sea with not a rescue boat in sight.

maintaining the rage

So even though I haven't set myself any new years resolutions to break, I still feel guilty for not posting sooner. Go figure! But a very belated happy new year to anyone reading! I've been insanely busy with my PhD proposal which is due in about 5 weeks, and those coming 5 weeks are going to be crazily busy! They are the chief cause of my complacency with blogging, taking up not only my time but also most of my mental and emotional energy.

My PhD is essentially how women are treated by staff in an emergency department when they seek help after suffering violence, and whether intoxication at the time of the attack affects the treatment they receive due to the attitudes and beliefs of the staff that are duty bound to provide care to them. I believe clinical staff, particularly doctors and nurses, have a pivotal role to play in not only the care for these women but also in leading and advocating for societal change in how we view these women, given medicine's level of authority and influence in so many spheres of our life.

I wanted to write about why I feel this is such an important issue, and after struggling with where to start I thought that the best way to do that was to use some excerpts from my literature review...

Violence against women, both nationally and globally, is widespread, with the UN indicating up to 70% of women will experience some form of violence in their lifetime (UN Secretary-General’s campaign UNiTE http://www.un.org/en/women/endviolence/situation.shtml). It knows no boundaries of ethnicity, socio-economic status, religion, postcode or education. Not only is it a major public health problem but a violation of human rights (UN universal declaration of human rights http://www.un.org/en/documents/udhr/index.shtml). It takes many forms including physical assault, emotional abuse, rape and sexual assault, stalking, harassment, trafficking, femicide and ‘traditional’ practices such as forced marriage, female genital mutilation and so-called honour killings (WHO fact sheet 239 http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/). Women aged 15-44 across the world are at greater risk of domestic violence and sexual assault than cancer, car accident, malaria and war (World Bank Discussion Paper 255 1994). Injury from sexual assault and physical assault (including domestic violence) is the most common form of violence against women that results in them seeking help from medical services, particularly emergency departments.

The Women’s Safety Australia survey conducted in 1996 (which sadly has not since been replicated) of 6,300 women provides the most comprehensive picture of violence against women in Australia (Women's Safety Australia 1996). It found that 7.1% of women had experienced violence in the last 12 months (5.9% physical violence and 1.9% sexual violence) which based on the Australian population at the time they extrapolated to equate to 404,400 women who experienced physical violence and 133,100 women who experienced sexual violence (p9). Over their lifetime, 33% of women had experienced physical violence and 18% had experienced sexual violence, which based on population figures at the time equated to 2.2 million women who had experienced physical violence in their lifetime and 1.2 million women who had experienced sexual violence (p12). Data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics indicates that 41% of all physical assault victims were female and that 2.4% of all women respondents had been victims of a physical assault in the past 12 months (ABS 1370.0 – assault 2010). Globally, the World Bank reports that between 11-60% of women report experiencing domestic violence in their lifetime (world bank 1994). Other studies have identified between 24- 52% (Tjaden Thoennes 1998; Martin et al 2008; Moracco et al 2007) of women experience physical assault in their lifetime.

In their seminal study conducted on a national sample of college students, Koss and Cox found that over 15 percent of female respondents, or approximately 1 in 6, identified experiencing behaviour that met the legal definition of rape (Koss Cox 1988), findings that are consistently reflected in other studies (Easteal 1993; Kilpatrick Edmunds Seymour 1992; DeKeseredy and Kelly 1993; Gavey 1991; Beattie 1992; Brener, McMahon, Warren & Douglas, 1999; Elliott Mok Briere 2004). In Australia, one study revealed that 24% of the women in the survey reported experiencing at least one completed rape in their adulthood, and 31% reported experiencing at least one attempted rape (Spangaro 1993), while recent data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics shows that there were 89 victims of sexual assault (including rape) per 100,000 of the population (ABS 4510.0 2010). However, as noted by the ABS, “there are a number of personal, social, cultural and institutional barriers that may prevent people reporting incidents to the police or reporting incidents in surveys, therefore, it is likely that survey reported victimisation rates underestimate the true incidence of sexual assault” (ABS 1370.0 – sexual assault 2010).

Physical and sexual assault can have serious impact on a woman’s physical and mental health. Studies have shown experiencing violence is linked with fatal and non-fatal injury, both trauma-specific and generalised pain, gastrointenstinal disorders, gynaecological problems, sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies, disability, disfigurement, sexual dysfunction and mental health problems including post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety and suicidality (Kramer etal 2004; Moracco et al 2007; Resnick et al 2000). This not only affects the quality of life of the victim, but also impacts her family and friends. Experiencing violence also leads to a wide range of emotions including fear, anger, shame, disgust, nervousness, distrust of others, guilt and self-blaming (Campbell 2006). It is unsurprising that even after the physical injuries have healed, the mental and emotional scars can last much longer.

Estimates and studies of the prevalence of alcohol involvement in instances of violence against women vary. Population surveys are one method of gathering prevalence data, and although they rely on self-reporting they provide an important insight. An analysis of the US National Violence Against Women Survey revealed that 19.9% of victims reported intoxication at the time of the assault, and 63.5% perceived that their assailants were intoxicated (Brecklin 2002). In Australia, the Women’s Safety Survey conducted in 1996 revealed that alcohol was present in 41.1% of physical assaults and 38.1% of sexual assaults during the last 12 months (ABS 4128.0). Research studies consistently find that between one third to two thirds of physical or sexual assaults against women involve the perpetrator and/or the victim consuming alcohol (Abbey et al 2003, chase up their refs; Kaysen et al 2010; Brecklin 2002).

Researchers have consistently found that intoxicated victims of physical or sexual assault are deemed more responsible, more blameworthy and having a greater causal role in their victimisation that non-intoxicated victims (Aramburu 1991; Quigley 2006; Cameron 2003). A recent survey conducted by Amnesty International in the UK found that 26% of respondents thought a woman who was drunk when she was raped was partially responsible, and 4% thought that she was totally responsible (Amnesty International 2005). Finch (2007) found that many third party observers hold intoxicated victims at least partially responsible for their victimisation and that these attributions were generally based on different aspects of the victim’s conduct. Quigley and Leonard (2006) argue that this attribution of responsibility for their own victimisation stems from the line of thinking that a person is to blame for choosing to become intoxicated and therefore to blame for their behaviour while intoxicated. Much of the attribution research has been carried out with college students or lay people in mock juror situations. Stewart and Maddren (1997) argued that the findings may not be easily generalised to other groups. They looked at the attributions of blame among police officers, who have specialist knowledge, training and experience in dealing with intoxicated victims of violence, and argued that this specialist knowledge would impact their attributions of blame in such instances. They found that police officers blamed drunk victims more than sober victims, and considered drunk victims “responsible for their victimisation by either provoking the violence or not evading the violence”.(p931) This has significant implications for other professionals with specialist knowledge and skills in dealing with intoxicated victims of violence, particularly health professionals, suggesting that despite the specialist knowledge and training, they may still hold attitudes that seek to blame the victim.

This is clearly a massive problem, both for the victims and for society as a whole that we can foster this level of perpetration and acceptance of violence against women. This is why I'm doing this research. To increase knowledge and change attitudes that will both help the victims and reduce support and acceptance of violence against women across our society. As a survivor. As a woman. And most importantly, as a human being. (I'm happy to provide the full references if anyone would like).

where did the time go?!?!?

It seems lately that every time I've sat down and thought about writing here, something has come up. Meetings, deadlines, social engagements, being very sick for far too long, and now upcoming holidays over the Christmas break. So it was now or never. I had to get one last quick post in before the rapidly approaching new year begins!

I've been wanting to write about a lot of things, such as white ribbon day (did you know it was on November 25, the UN international day for the elimination of violence against women?), about the joys and pitfalls of alcohol, about what I have learned about marriage, about the daily tv travesty that is two and a half misogynists... err, i mean, two and a half men, and about my ongoing battles with my weight, my self-confidence and my budget. I'd also love to post about the hobbies and activities I've been keenly pursuing lately including getting better acquainted with photography, teaching myself new songs on the piano, and learning new recipes and culinary arts.

But in the spirit of the season, I think I'll make my last post for 2010 about those good old foibles, new years resolutions. Don't get me wrong, I actually kind of get the whole 'new year new you' thing. There's something so conceptually inviting about a new year offering a clean slate. It has a real sense of newness about it, it seems so neat and tidy, so sensible and orderly. My brain knows the 1st of January is the the day after the 31st of December, no different from the transition of any other month, and yet when I look at the calendar, it's like the 31st of December didn't exist. All I see before me is month after month of fresh, new, untouched days, weeks and months. A whole year of it.

The problem with new years resolutions is not that we make them, but that we so often make the wrong ones. Ones that we know deep down inside will be impossible to keep. You know what I'm talking about... promises of more exercise, of a new and better diet, trying harder at our jobs or relationships, losing X amount of weight or saving X amount of money. I've tried most of these at various times, often more than one at a time, and yet come February or March I realise I haven't been able to stick to it, I've failed at it, and I give up and try again the next year.

Big things like these I think are fundamentally unsuited to such a starting point. Not only are they generally very long term and life changing behaviours, but starting them needs to happen at the time when it needs to happen, not on such an arbritrary and false date. Take losing weight for example. If you decide you need to lose weight, there's no point waiting until the new year to do it. Start it the day you make the decision that you want to lose weight. Delaying it until the new year is procrastination and is only setting you up for failure. Or another example might be spending more time with your partner. If you think you don't spend enough time with your partner, then the day you realise that is the day you should act. Why wait?!?!

So I'm not making any new years resolutions this year. I love the neatness of them, but I also realised this year during my attempt to rediscover my give-a-shit that if you want to change something, then it is best to just act on it then and there. Do whatever you can in that moment to set the new train in motion. There's no point predicating such important decisions on a false and arbitrary timeframe. Your whole life, never mind just one year, is in front of you, and every day is day one.

Carpe Diem! Seize the day! Or as that famous multi-national sweat-shop dependent Fortune 500 bloated corporation famously says: Just Do It!

favourite photos - Venice

Ah Venice! I saved the best til last I think. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves in Venice, and despite only having 3 days to explore, we managed to fit a whole lot in. We found a square close to our hotel, the Santa Margherita square, and decided to eat and drink there ever day, it was just so fabulous and because it was away from the beaten track a bit it felt a little more authentic with a mix of locals and tourists dining there. I had THE BEST pizza ever in my life there!

We well and truly got lost in Venice, and spent our time wandering around the many alleyways, over the myriad bridges, and locating all manner of hidden and famous gems. We crossed the Rialto bridge, we stopped in at the Peggy Guggenheim museum, we visited the Galleria Accademia, we visited dozens of churches and the Casa D'Oro. We took the Number 1 vaporetto down the Grand Canal to San Marco and walked through the famous square and saw the famous Basilica and Doge's Palace. We also walked a full circuit of Venice and visited the original 'ghetto' where the local Jewish population was kept separate from the rest of Venice from the 1516 right up until the secodn World War when 1700 Venetians Jews were sent to the camps. Only 8 returned. It was a confronting moment to try and absorb that.

When we revisited San Marco's Palazzo the queue into the Basilica was enormous, literally about a thousand deep (it's free) so we decided to go into the Doge's Palace first (which isn't free but not very expensive) and explored the buildings there including the chambers of the fledgling 'parliament' and the 'court' rooms, the golden staircase up to the Doge's chambers, and the dungeons including crossing the bridge of sighs where the prisoners caught their last glimpse of venice from the tiny window before being locked and tortured in the dark dungeons (hence the sighs). When we emerged it was high tide which meant that the square had started to flood, scattering the line for the Basilica so that it was only a couple of dozen deep. We saw our chance and queued in the water. The Basilica was truly stunning, the entire ceiling covered in tiny mosaic tiles, most of which are shimmering gold. We climbed to the top and went outside on the 'balcony' to overlook the chaos of the flooded square below us and saw the famous 4 bronze horses which are thought to have originated from France and are carbon dated to 2nd century AD.



On our last morning I finally convinced my husband to lash out and take a gondola. We got up reasonably early and set out. As it was Sunday morning most of the locals were in church and most tourists were still having breakfast. We eventually found a gondolier (it seemed most of them were at church too) and set off around the smaller back canals. It was so utterly beautiful and peaceful. It was a warm sunny day, the sun played hide and seek down the steep alleyways and canals, the water was glistening blue, and we could hear nothing but the sound of the water lapping on the bottom of the boat, church bells ringing in the distance, and our gondolier occassionally calling out 'ouie' as he tured a corner. It was one of the most romantic experiences of my life.

I took this photo as we passed a house with an old boat parked out the front. The sun glinted off the small wake made by our boat and reflected onto the still boat. It captures beautifully the peacefulness and beauty of that precious 40 minutes. It's my favourite photo from the whole trip. Ah venice, we'll be back...