It's all in the details!

As I have made my first stumbling steps as an amateur photographer (and I use the title ‘photographer’ only in the most literal sense – as someone who takes photographs, I am in no way a ‘photographer’ in the professional sense!) it has become very clear to me that I have developed a very clear preference and bias. Which kind of weirds me out as my brain seems to only function when I can believe in a utopian world where everything is equal. You see, I’ve very much developed a taste for details.

I do wonder to what extent this has been influenced by some wonderful photographers whose work I admire, respect and hope to one day aspire to. They too are drawn to details, and not necessarily in the macro sense but rather the way the light plays on something, the texture of something, contrasts and juxtapositions that are interesting and eye catching, moments in time that are special, seeing into someone’s soul when you look into their eyes, their face and posture radiating who they are and how they feel. These kinds of details draw my eye like nothing else. But then I think perhaps I am drawn to the work of these photographers because they see things the way I do (but are much better at capturing it!). Perhaps it’s a little of column A and column B.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that it is in part due to my borderline OCD when it comes to getting the details right. I’ve never been very good at ‘that will do’, every little bit has to be perfect, whether it be cooking dinner or planning my wedding. (Which turned out to be a headache for the wedding planning). But I know that this is just the way my mind works – it worries about the little details, it looks out for the little things. So when I see some beautiful light or textures I’m drawn to it and want to capture it and convey it.

Despite acknowledging that this is the way my brain works, I am still jealous of those who work differently and can see and capture things in a way that I can’t. (Because of course I’m a perfectionist and I want to be able to do everything perfectly). For instance my brother takes amazing landscape photos. He has the patience to wait for the right light, to search out the right composition, to set up all the gear and capture the whole vista in one fell swoop. When we went out shooting together last year he took stunning photos of sunset skies and mountains and fields. I took photos of the leaves on the railway track. His photos turned out infinitely more breathtaking and had that ‘wow’ factor. I admit I was jealous. But as hard as I try I just can’t get landscape shots right. They end up looking dull and flat. Even when I get the composition ok, nothing else seems to work. They’re ok. Passable. Competent. But way under par. Sigh!

It’s hard to accept that this is the way I work and to let go of being sucky at other types of photography. I know I could improve with some lessons and a ton of practice, but why fight nature. My brain likes details. It likes the way light can play such an important role on something small. It likes trying to bring texture alive. It likes shallow depth of field. And so the way I photograph reflects this. When I see frost on a cabbage, I want to capture it. When I see a small patch of bright green moss on a bare brown branch, I want to capture it. When I see golden rays of light playing in the bushes, I want to capture it. When I see something that has an amazing texture, I want to capture it. I want to convey what I see and how I see it to others. I guess this is the essence of why we take photos beyond the happy snaps at birthdays. And accepting that I see things a certain way is a big part of that, and holds the tantalising promise of feeling liberated and at peace.

20 things I am grateful for

Inspired by a close friend who has done 20 days of gratitude (where each day you write about something that you are grateful to have in your life), I have decided to collapse this simply into my personal top 20 list of things that I am grateful for. It's made me really sit back and take stock of my life and focus on the big and little things, the things that are obvious and the things that are part of the furniture, the things I have worked hard for and the things I have had the immense good fortune to have in my life. SO here they are, in no particular order (well, except maybe the first one)...

1. My partner. I am so grateful to have met my best friend and soul mate, and to be able to share my life with such a wonderful human being who supports and ecourages me, respects and admires me, laughs and cries with me, and loves me as I am.

2. My health. Despite getting a little older (though not necessarily wiser) and noticing things slowing down and starting to creak just a little, I am otherwise in excellent health. My organs all work, I have all my teeth, my legs get me to where I'm going, my arms are able to hug, my eyes can see, my ears can hear, my mouth can talk and taste, my skin can touch and feel, and my brain can take it all in and help me get through every day.

3. Fresh air. In this wide open country we are lucky enough to have fresh air to breathe that is not too heavily congested with pollutants. Sure when I'm riding through traffic I hate getting a lungful of stinky fumes from the bus in front of me, but generally my lungs are clear and I am getting all the oxygen I need.

4. Clean water. This is a big one. I am so lucky to be able to turn on a tap just about anywhere and out comes clean drinkable water! Incredible! Half of the world's population doesn't have this. Not only is it clean and drinkable (if a little icky tasting here in Radelaide), but there is such an abundance of it that I can flush it down the toilet! I can shower daily in it! I know it is always there, even in the worst grips of a drought. I guess I can add power to this too. Because I flip a switch and bam, the light goes on. Every. Time.

5. My friends. I have such an amazing network of friends who all love and support me. Some I see more than others, some I am closer to in temperament or spirit or world view, some are old and some are new. But I love them all and they each give me so much in terms of keeping my mind open, learning new things and becoming a stronger more positive human being.

6. My family. Despite our differences - and there are many - we all love each other very much. I know my parents and siblings will always love and support me, regardless of whether they agree with me. I don't just think it or feel it, I KNOW it, and I am blessed to have such stability and certainty.

7. Summer. I know this must seem like a strange one, but it's more symbolic in what it represents. Our climate is so wonderful that for around 6 months of the year you can sit outside to eat and drink, go down to the beach, spend a LOT of time outdoors, get plenty of sunshine on your skin and in your heart, and generally feel wonderful about the world. Sure those 43 degree days are almost unbearable, but they are monumentally outweighed by all the happiness and promise that summer holds.

8. My education. This is a biggie. My family was always strong on making sure we had a good education, and always encouraged me to do my best, to push myself and reach for the stars. They encouraged me to go to University, where I grew exponentially both in knowledge and in spirit. I have always had a deep-seated desire to know more, to understand more, and to make the world a better place. Happily I passed on the Miss Universe pageant and worked my guts out to get to where I am now - PhD land - and will continue to further my knowledge and understanding throughout my life.

9. I am white and middle class. By dint of luck, I was born to a white family living in the Western world. We were never well off, but we had enough to get by and we were rich in love. Since my teens I have been fiercely independent and have fought hard to pay my own way, to learn and to grow, and to better myself. Though I have encountered much sexism and misogyny in my life, an plenty of anti-pom sentiment, I have never know racism, I have never been unfairly judged due to the colour of my skin. I have been able to work with the system to pay my own way and forge a life for myself that i am happy with and proud of. I know I am lucky.

10. The roof over my head. This is tied in with a few other things I have already mentioned, but I am so grateful that I have a stable roof over my head. We can't afford much, but we have enough to pay our rent and buy food to eat and pay our bills. Regardless of the pros and cons of renting vs buying, we live in a wonderful area in a wonderful house. I am so grateful and never take it for granted.

11. Good food. I am constantly amazed at the array of wonderful nutritious food that is available to me. Fresh fruit and vegetables daily, plenty of variety. It is because I have such wonderful access to a wide variety of nutritious foods that I am able to choose to be vegetarian - I don't have to rely on meat for my protein etc because I have access to plenty of other options inlcuding mushrooms and legumes and soy-based products like tofu and nuts and eggs and dairy. I even have enough space where I live (and enough access to water!) to grow my own vegetables and bake my own bread. Billions of people across the world don't have such a luxury, they have very little food and very little variety. Starvation and malnutrition are commonplace. I am so grateful that I will never have to worry about it because I am surrounded by such wonderful good food.

12. Opportunity. I have been blessed with many opportunities in the past and am grateful that there will be many more in my future. When I speak of opportunity I mean in regards to being a productive member of society. I have had many jobs, some fantastic some not so great, but all of which I've learned from and have helped me become the person I am today. I have been given the opportunity to go to University through HECS (the government paying my fees and me being able to pay it back without interest when i can afford it) and through AUSTUDY (a student living allowance from the government), and now through the offer of a scholarship for my PhD. I know that in this country there will be many more opportunities for me when I graduate, some better than others but I am grateful that I have the certainty that when I graduate I will be able to get at least some kind of decent job.

13. Space. Not outer space, though that's pretty awesome in itself, but the space around me. I live in a country, and indeed in a city, where space is in abundance. My house is plenty big for the two of us, my backyard is big enough to grow vegies in while still be able to run around or host dinner parties. My city is well spaced, with plenty of room for me to get around in without cramming against everyone else. There are plenty of spaces in which I can go for a run or a hike and be the only person for miles. Plenty of green spaces with trees and grass and trails. Plenty of sunlight getting in between buildings both in the city and suburbs. Pretty neat.

14. Safety. With one notable exception, my personal safety has always been fairly secure. I live in a country, and a city, where levels of crime are fairly stable and comparatively low on a global scale. I am not being persecuted for my religion, my culture, my politics, my sexuality, the colour of my skin or my name. The government, though not without its faults, does not interfere with my life. I pay my taxes but do not have to worry about paying corrput officials or militia or vigilantes. I do not live in fear of being bombed or shot. I can voice my opinion, I can be different, and I am safe. So many cannot. How lucky am I.

15. Autonomy. I have full political autonomy; I can vote according to my own values and beliefs, ideas and opinions. I don't have to tell anyone how I vote, no-one can tell me how to vote, I can tell representatives of political parties to leave me alone, and I can voice my opnion. Pretty awesome really. I am in charge of my own life, I make my own decisions about what I do, where I go, what I wear, what I think and what I want. I am grateful for this freedom that so many around the world do not have.

16. Feminism. Even though it's often seen as a dirty word or irrelevant - even Margaret Thatcher herself declared that "I owe nothing to feminism" (I don't think she saw the irony) - I feel I owe a lot to feminists past and present. They fought to give me full franchise (see above), they fought to give me full access to education and the workplace. They fought for maternity leave, for equal rights and equal pay. They fought to criminalise sexual harrassment, discrimination and sexual assault. I enjoy all of these benefits and more. Though there is still much to be done in achieving equality, even in this country let alone globally, so much has already been accomplished and I am forever grateful.

17. Wine, cheese and chocolate. Ok, so these are perhaps a little frivolous, but they are my favourite indulgences (hence I have grouped them together) and I am grateful to the many men and women over the years who have discovered and refined these products to what they are today. I enjoy them so much as one of life's pleasures, and thanks to my incredibly lucky access to such wonderful food (see above) I am grateful that I can experience and enjoy such luxury items.

18. Belly laughs. Because they make me feel so damn good. And they remind you that life can be fun and wonderful and invigorating. You know the ones, they scrunch up your face and laughter comes tumbling out of your mouth from way down deep in your tummy. I am grateful for everything that causes these.

19. My creative outlet. That's right, my little camera. I am thankful that I have found a creative outlet that I love so much and that brings me so much joy and satisfaction. From my partner who bought me my camera, to my wonderful friends and family who offer me advice and support and guidance and camaradery, I am forever grateful.

20. Communication. I am grateful for the fact that I can sit at this computer and type this and not only will the internet beam it across to your computer where you can access it, but the jumble of letters will make sense to you and you will understand me (hopefully anyway!). I can pick up the phone and call someone and we can talk, even though we might be miles apart. I can call someone on their mobile phone in the middle of the desert (well, if they're with Telstra anyway!). I can start up the camera on my computer or ipad or phone and beam a live video of me across to someone else, and have a pseudo 'face to face' conversation. I can post some thoughts or some photos to facebook and all my friends and family across the planet can see them. I am grateful to have such a wide variety of technologies available to me. But more than that, communication, be it face to face or a letter or a skype call or a phone call or a blog post or whatever, is about sharing. Sharing ideas and thoughts, perspectives and insights, ways of seeing and knowing, ways of thinking and doing, sharing love. Our written and spoken language, our physical gestures, are all about conveying who we are to each other. Pretty awesome stuff.