my favourite kind of red

The mercury has plummeted and it's well and truly winter. It's dark, wet and freezing. Even though i love the warmer weather of spring, summer and autumn, winter has a saving grace. The cordial that I like best!

Winter days like this are perfect for curling up on the couch with a big glass of yummy red wine. Preferably accompanied by either cheese or chocolate. Ok, so it's not the healthiest diet in the world, but it's the yummiest. This time of year I can't help but get itchy feet to go and visit the cellar doors at nearby wineries and taste the latest vintage of all the flavours of red-coloured goodness. Shiraz, Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Sangiovese, Mouvedre, Petit Verdot, Zinfandel, Nebbiolo, yummy Pinot Noir and one of my favourites, Grenache.

We're blessed with some of the best wineries in the world here, and a wide assortment of different grape varieties and blends. I'm not fussy, I'll drink almost anything half decent, though I do have my favourites. But the ability to try so many wonderful varieties and vintages is one of life's greatest joys.

I have to admit I wasn't always a red girl. I used to only drink white, red was too strong for me. I needed to start with something sweeter and easier to drink. But thanks to the perseverance of one of my best mates I slowly developed my palate and learned to appreciate the different flavours and complexities of red. My winter of red-learning, now 10 years ago. where did the time go. It feels like I've been drinking it since I learned to walk.

There mere sight of vines now gets me excited. I start thinking about how hot it's been, how much rainfall we've had, whether the heatwave will have damaged the grapes and which varieties will have been hit hardest in which regions. And when I finally get to taste a sample of each variety, I love the ritual of swirling the glass, inhaling the aromas, checking the smells against my memory banks of familiar scents, swilling the first mouthful around my palate, savouring the flavour. Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!

So here are some recent images of wineries recently visited to try and get your taste buds going. Go on, crack open a bottle of red, it's definitely red weather!

ginger ninjas rock!

I've been glued to the TV and radio over the last few days because politics just got a whole lot more interesting in our country! We have a red femme for PM!!!!

While I'm sad the old PM got ousted in the manner in which he did, this is a massively significant event in history. Though there have been many women in the top job across the world (Margaret Thatcher, Indira Gandhi and Angela Merkel immediately spring to mind), it's the first time it's happened here. It's the ultimate shattering of the glass ceiling, the highest office in the country. But more significantly than her gender, she is fiercely intelligent, socially inclusive, consultative, compassionate, determined, and - rarely for a politician - 'human'. She uses everyday language that everyone can understand, she doesn't condescend, she has her own foibles and readily admits to them. This makes her 'accessible', people can understand her and relate to her.

This is so important in politics, given the amount of political apathy in our times. It doesn't surprise me that so many people don't give a stuff about politics and have no idea who our politicians are and what they stand for. I used to be one of them. It all seemed so beyond me, so boring, I had no idea what they were talking about half of the time. It didn't seem relevant to me, because it wasn't accessible. It was so confusing, it was so much hard work to try and find out who stood for what and why something was happening, that it was easier to check out. To stay away from it all and not care. After all, I only had one vote and that couldn't change the outcome of an election. It took me a long time to realise that that very apathy is what politicians depend on so that they can simplify a message, use emotional language and wedge issues to sway people, and vote by vote it all adds up. When people are uninformed they are blank canvases. But by making politics a little more accessible, by making herself more human and easier to relate to and understand, she's undoing some of that obfuscation and over-complication that has left so many disenfranchised. This means some people will like her and some will dislike her, but they will be more aware and more engaged, and this changes the game.

I bumped into her once. Literally. I have a habit of walking around in a state of utter vagueness. My partner has a running tab of all the famous people I've walked straight past in airports and shopping malls, and I have no clue whatsoever. I even walked straight past Molly Meldrum wearing his trademark Akubra hat. I had no idea. And at the airport one day I was fumbling through my bag on the way to the security check area and bumped straight into someone. "Oh sorry" I mumbled and kept walking, vaguely registering a"no worries" reply. My partner tapped me on the shoulder and said "do you realise who that was?". I turned round and there she was, flanked by two federal security people with their badges and guns, forced to take her shoes off and walking through the metal detector, laughing and charming the airport security guards. And I thought to myself wow, she's so 'human', going through the same annoying security check we all do. She even had to take off her shoes (though of course the federal staff walked straight through with their guns and flashing their badges - weird). And from then on I really liked her. Apart from the fact she could have got those two scary look people with guns to tackle me to the ground for bumping into her, she was just so everyday, so normal. And a redhead too!

Seeing her as our PM now fills me with excitement and pride. She will be a wonderful PM, despite the enormous challenges she faces. I'm ready for the barrage of criticism to come her way for the way she talks, the colour and style of her hair, the clothes she wears, the fact that she is neither married nor a mother. All of the things that male politicians are rarely if ever subjected to. Because I know she'll handle all of it with dignity, a rapier wit, and an intelligence that leaves the opposition dead in the water. Tony, she's coming for you, and I can't wait...

back up

Today was a day of sad news. Today we found out that not only had our home computer died due to faulty RAM, but that the hard drive had been wiped. Five years' worth of photos, documents, software and all manner of things, gone in an instant. Everything.

Ništa. Nada. Niente. Rien. Nichts. Zip. Gone.

The silver lining is that we backed up. Only sporadically, so we're not sure how much has fallen through the cracks. But - hopefully - we still have most of it on various external hard drives, CDs and USBs.

I just wanted to take the opportunity to remind anyone reading this to back up. Yes it seems to take forever to copy everything over, and yes it feels like a futile exercise in using up extra memory for duplicated of everything. But when you're facing down the barrel of losing everything, that time turns into time well spent.

Think about it for a moment. Think of all the photos you've taken over the last 5 years and are saved to the computer and wiped from the camera. All the birthdays, weddings, holidays, and everyday moments. Think about all the documents you've written for work, for job applications or your studies. Think of all the little bits and pieces floating about. Then imagine it all gone from your life forever. Completely irretrievable.

Hit the back up button today!

a weighty issue

I've struggled with my weight all my life, so it was no surprise to me this morning when I jumped on the scales and saw a number higher than I would have liked. Again. I'm incredibly proud of the weight I lost last year in the lead up to the wedding, a grand total of 13 kilos over 16 months. Most of all I was proud of how fit and healthy I felt. Not only did I not shudder every time I looked in the mirror (though I could still find plenty of perceived faults!) but I felt like I had taken control of my health and wellbeing, and had added years to my life through living a healthy lifestyle.

I have now put 2 of those kilos back on and I am seriously upset. I look at the numbers (and feel my jeans getting snug again) and I get seriously angry at myself for letting this happen. I look in the mirror and instead of feeling great I become morose, poking and pulling at all the squishy bits I detest. I'm hiding behind baggy layers again (thank god it's winter) and mentally berating myself every time I dare to eat the wrong thing or, god forbid, i'm too tired to be arsed doing Pilates for an hour. I've given my scales and my mirror the power to define my value as a human being, based on how I look and how much I weigh.

It's perverse. And I hate myself for it. Because I know better. I mean really, it's ridiculous. For a start, I'm still well within the healthy body weight range for my height. I'm also well past being a nubile teenager with a metabolism that could beat phar lap - it's inevitable that things are slowing down. I also ride 20kms 3 or 4 times a week, as well as fitting in a lot of walking, sometimes a run, sometimes some weights, sometimes some Pilates and sometimes an hour on my wii fit. I also eat mostly sensible, healthy foods. I rarely get sick, my skin is usually clear, I drink 2 litres of water every day, don't smoke and only drink alcohol 3 days a week. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?! Why am I - a smart and healthy woman - allowing myself to be defined and valued based on my weight and the size of my hips.

As women we've been conditioned into thinking that our primary value is our appearance. We're told this every day through advertisements for cosmetics, body products, clothes, shoes. You name it, just about every ad aimed at women (apart from those ridiculous misogynistic ads that tell us women are the only ones who should be cooking, doing the shopping, and doing the cleaning - and smile the entire time while doing it) has one thing in common - the better you look, the greater your worth.

We're our own worst enemies too. It took me years to explain to my partner that women actually dress for other women, not for men. We dress to be accepted, to prove our worth through being beautiful, fashionable, valuable. And the worst thing is most of us are aware of the whole game to varying degrees. We KNOW we're being conned into thinking beauty = worth, but we accept it anyway. So we primp and prime ourselves, dress to literally impress, squeeze our curves into sucky-in undies, deprive ourselves of food we love and enjoy, flog ourselves at the gym and all other manner of measures.

I feel so torn. I really want to lose these pesky 2 kilos, but I also want to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons, rather than just because they're the magical numbers that I value. I wish I could just say stuff it, I'm fit and healthy and will just continue to be so, it doesn't matter if I go up and down a couple of kilos. But I can't bring myself to. So what do I do? How do I reconcile these two things? It's more important to me that I look in the mirror and see 'me', not my pot-belly. So perhaps I can TRY and lose these 2 kilos, but not beat myself up if I don't. Would that work?

I have a holiday coming up in 10 weeks. This involves summery clothes, swimming, sight seeing, and generally getting my euro-chic freak on. What better motivation, right?! So perhaps I can try to lose it by then. And if not, no big deal. At least I tried. And did it by being healthy - in both my lifestyle and my perspective. Maybe just a little less cheese, maybe just a little more Pilates. And a little less time on the scales - my jeans will let me know!

finding my give-a-shit

I've started reading a very funny and insightful book by Kasey Edwards titled 'Thirty Something and Over It'. In it, she talks about losing her give-a-shit. I love this concept, it describes perfectly the meaning or lack thereof about life in general and work in particular (apologies if it's offended anyone).

I think this has resonated with me because I too have lost my give-a-shit, mostly about my work and the career I am pursuing. I question daily where I'm going, what I'm trying to achieve. And I know with certainty that where I am right now in life is not fulfilling me, that I don't have enough meaning, purpose, drive and enthusiasm . I feel like the fail whale. This leads me to conclude that I must make changes and alter the direction of my path.

The problem is deciding which direction to take, and whether it will help me find my give-a-shit again. I really do have a lot of give-a-shit about many other things in my life, especially my wonderful husband, my fabulous friends, and the many joyous hobbies I have like cooking, photography, hiking and all things wedding. But this still doesn't balance out right, it's not enough. I need to give-a-shit about my career too.

A few people have imparted sage, wise words of advice that have certainly helped. Particularly that to expect creative fulfillment and a sense of true purpose out of your job is an unrealistic expectation, that it's just to pay the rent, and that hobbies are where you get your fulfillment and purpose in life. That a job is something that you do, not who you are. I fully agree with this last statement. I don't want to define myself by my job. BUT...

I still think it's not totally unrealistic to be able to pursue a career that, despite the ups and downs, I can find fulfilling. That ticks most of the boxes - it challenges me, it rewards me, it lets me be creative, it lets me follow what i'm passionate about, it helps me help others. I don't really care about the pay, so long as it's enough to stay on top of things, I just feel like I'm missing out on something that could be infinitely more rewarding.

A few friends are lucky enough to have found careers that they find so fulfilling, just talking to them they ooze satisfaction and contentment. I am green with envy. But all of them have taken a big risk. They have followed their hearts and pursued careers that have enabled them to incorporate to varying degrees their hobbies, what they are passionate about. I wonder if I shouldn't be just as brave and step out into the unknown and follow my dreams.

Except for so long my dreams were to follow the path that I'm on now. I need to create new dreams and new goals, and that's going to take time. I know I love to write (hence my blog! I need a receptacle for the overflow of my excessive verbosity), and I love to tell stories and take photographs. I love to create, to play around with colours and textures and come up with something new. I am most passionate about women's autonomy, equality and value. I am almost as passionate about weddings. I love the great outdoors, getting out in the fresh air and surrounding myself with the wonders of nature and ensuring it is protected and preserved.

The options are endless. How can I ever find a new path? Where on earth do I start in trying to rediscover my give-a-shit?!?!?!

reliving memories

Last week I ordered some canvas prints of my favourite photos from my wedding. And today, joy of joys, they arrived! And apart from one small blemish, I'm really pleased with them, they look great! Printing them on canvas has given them a real depth and texture that doesn't quite come through behind glass and a frame. I'm not against photos in frames at all - and in fact have a couple in mind for that purpose as well! - but I chose these photos specifically for canvas because of the 'moment'.

The pictures (thanks to my supercalafrickinawesome photographer) captured special moments in time, and when I look at them, it takes me straight back to that moment. I remember how I was feeling, what my surroundings were like, the whole context.

I think this is why I've gravitated towards photography all of my life, and particularly lately with my new camera. Apart from the fact that my memory seems to be structured to be very alive in the here and now rather than vividly remembering things without prompts, photos always transport me straight back to the time and place that the moment was captured. It enables me to relive that time in my life, and releases other memories that weren't captured by the lens but are stored away deep in the vault, er... I mean, my memory.

Most of these memories are very happy - obviously the wedding photos remind me how incredibly happy I was all day, and how lucky I felt to be marrying the most wonderful man and share that with my family and friends. But some are sad, some are regretful, some make me angry, and some make me wistful. But these emotions, like the images, are reflective of the moment, and being able to relive them makes me feel alive.

I love looking at other people's photos, things like holidays, birthdays and of course especially weddings (I stalk my photographer's website for updates!), because photos have that special ability to communicate the context - the emotions and surroundings, the people, the vibe - even when you don't have a memory to accompany it. It's like a blank canvas (pardon the pun) that you can make your own inferences about, ascribe your own meanings and understandings of the moment. Which is a lot of fun!

But being able to trigger real memories of a moment, and everything that surrounded it, is the true power of photography. This is the power of photos for me, the story that they can tell about the moment they've captured, helping you to relive significant (and sometimes everyday) moments in your life, and treasure those memories. Every time I look at these canvases, I know I'll remember the moment they've captured as vividly as if it happened yesterday.

All they need now is a hook and some wall space...

confessions of a wedding-aholic

I have a confession to make. I’m a wedding-aholic. I can’t get enough of them. And now that my own is fading into the past, it’s really starting to look quite sad.

I wasn’t always a wedding-aholic. In fact, for many many years I was anti-weddings. I’ve never been anti-marriage, but the whole ‘wedding’ thing freaked me out. After all, you don’t need a piece of paper to be committed to the one you love, to let them know you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Commitment is something you choose within your relationship EVERY DAY. All I knew about weddings was ‘white fluff’ – all that whiteness and frou-frou and sparkles and expensive useless tat. NOT my scene!

But inexplicably I changed my mind. I can’t pinpoint when the change in attitude began, but I know that I slowly came to realise that it doesn’t have to be a big white fluffy deal. And no, you don’t HAVE to get married to be committed. I began to see it as a way of celebrating your love and commitment with family and friends. This is the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, what’s not worth celebrating about that? It's about publicly declaring to your family and your friends that you have chosen each other, you are going to be with your partner through thick and thin, that you are prepared to make sacrifices for each other and are in it for the long haul. That you love this person so much that you are willing to go ahead and 'forsake' all others and put up with their annoying stuff and that you think they are special. Marriage is our society’s way of recognising a couple has chosen to spend the rest of their lives together. And though I’m not one to embrace social norms just because they are... well... social norms, I realised that there’s nothing wrong with that. Did we HAVE to get married? No. We wanted to.

We forewent a lot of traditional wedding fare along the way. Neither of us is traditional or religious anyway, and with so many wedding customs centred around patriarchal notions of women being property to be owned, we wanted to make sure that everything we did was because we wanted it there and knew the meaning of it.

Along the way I made a heap of bride-to-be buddies in a forum, and I learned that even though I was a bit of a bridal scrooge, everyone’s dreams and ideals were different. It really opened my eyes. And I slowly stopped being so judgemental about all the white fluff. These traditions are a big deal to some people, and I began to understand that to each their own. I am still a big advocate of understanding what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, but if it’s what you BOTH want (and that’s the important bit, it’s a marriage after all, a partnership, there are two of you getting married here!), then go for it.

And along the way, a little bit of white fluff rubbed off on me. I would never go for a lot of that kind of stuff for myself, but I appreciate its beauty and allure for other people (well, other brides anyway, I’m not so sure about the grooms...). Now that it’s all over, I miss the joy and creativity it brought me.

But I also realise that now that the wedding is over, the marriage is what’s left. And that’s the most important – and best – bit! It was never about the wedding, but about the marriage. We publicly declared to our loved ones that we had found each other and would never let each other go, and we celebrated that with them (we had an after-party rather than a reception!), and now we LIVE it every day.

I’ll just have to get my wedding fixes elsewhere!