the dress mess

Last weekend I was asked by a friend in the wedding industry to help out at a bridal expo. Given that I was free, am always happy to help out a friend if I can, and it involved wedding stuff, I was more than happy to say yes!

Luckily for me it involved getting my hair and makeup done and being a bit of a 'model' for a day handing out pamphlets. It also involved going to a bridal shop and them putting me in a frock! joy of joys! But it turned out that it was to be a bridesmaid dress, not the full white catastrophe. I have to admit I was slightly disappointed, I had had dreams of putting something comlpetely not 'me' on, just for fun! No matter, I was still happy to be involved and play dress ups for the day.

So we got an hour or two into the day and I was merrily handing out pamphlets to brides-to-be and complaining about how much my heels were killing me, when the fashion parade started. And out swanned these gorgeous girls in some of the most AMAZING wedding dresses I've ever seen! *sigh* And I had a little pang of sadness because it brought to the surface all my unresolved wedding dress issues.

Despite the fact that I had an amazing wedding day and felt fine in my dress, it's the only thing I regret about the day. Not picking the right bloody dress in the first place. It's like I have a little empty spot in my heart where my wedding dress was supposed to go. So now I tell my story to brides-to-be as a cautionary tale, because I made the classic mistake of doubting myself.

You see, I fell in love with a dress, which was only slightly over my budget. I even paid a small deposit on it (goodbye money lost forever). Then I got home and had a freak out. It seemed so much money for one day. And after all, I was a pragmatic person, I didn't believe in all the white fluff, I wanted something simple and elegant because at the end of the day I would have worn a hessian sack if it meant I could marry my wonderful partner. So I talked myself out of it, I told myself it was obscene to spend it on one dress, on one day, that I couldn't justify being so ostentatious when so many in the world are struggling to even get clean water (I know, I know...). I chose another dress that was a third of the price. Then I got it home, looked in the mirror and my heart sank. This wasn't the dress I wanted to wear on my wedding day, it didn't make me feel like a bride. The kicker was now that I had paid all this money for a dress I didn't want, I couldn't get the expensive one I loved on top of that!

So I had a dress made, and I admit that it was a beautiful dress. The dressmaker did an amazing job, it fit like a glove, and she followed my instructions perfectly. And ironically, the cost of the two dresses combined was the same as the original dress! I don't look at my wedding photos and hate my dress or anything, far from it, but I do have regrets. I wish I had just bitten the bullet and got the dress I loved. So what if it was a little more than I had wanted to spend, I know it's just for one day, but I would have felt right about it rather than sighing to myself on my wedding day as I put the dress on.

So I look at other wedding dresses with envy. I imagine the possibilities. I watched that parade, and wondered what it would have been like to wear the dream dress. Would I have these feeling of unfulfillment? Would I be as obssessed with weddings, knowing everything about mine was just as I wanted it? I dream of one day having enough money to go and buy the dress anyway and renew my vows with my wonderful husband. Or something. Anything to silence the inner dress obssession!