A treatise on marriage

At the wedding of one of my best mates on the weekend, I found myself reflecting on my own feelings about the institution of marriage, and the evolution of my thoughts and feelings regarding the subject. So what better opportunity to express those thoughts than here! I want to try and keep it short and simple because in reality the meaningfulness of marriage, in my eyes anyway, is very simple indeed. And although by keeping it short and simple I'm not really writing a treatise in the strict sense of the word, I hope you can bear with me.

Keeping aside the separate issue of weddings (which are indeed separate and different to marriage), it took me a long time to come around to the idea of marriage. I felt very strongly that I didn't need to be married to prove my love or commitment to my partner, that I didn't need the blessings and legal recognition of the state or any God, and that I didn't want to change what we already had which was pretty close to perfect in my eyes.

After some serious reflection and pondering I came to the realisation that getting married is not about proving anything, changing anything or seeking social approval and sanction. If you get married to change your relationship, then you're getting married for the wrong reasons. If you feel you need to prove your love and commitment, then getting married is not the way to do it.

You see, I feel that getting married should change nothing about your relationship. And I know that this then opens up the question, then why do it at all?! Indeed, I would ask this question myself. But I've come to the realisation that this is a false dichotomy, a false supposition that change is important and that marriage should or should not be the catalyst for it. Because of course relationships change every day, and yet they remain constant. Little things change, and sometimes big things change. It is inevitable because it involves two people, and humans by our very nature grow and learn and change and develop. Two people doing this will lead to constant changes throughout a relationship, in priorities, in ways of communicating, in health, in libido, in all sorts of things. But relationships are also constant, the love and commitment and sharing of life is always there. This is why it's such a false premise to assume that one should or should not get married based on whether change may or may not occur.

The other major obstacle for me was feeling that marriage was in some way proving to everyone else how much you loved and were committed to your partner, that it was the ultimate social mechanism for doing this. But that this somehow made it hollow and less meaningful. After all, I need prove to no-one except my partner how much I love and respect them, and there are myriad ways to do that other than marriage. I believe that this still holds true. If you feel you need to prove something to other people then there's something wrong, either with them or with you. Again this argument about needing to prove your love and commitment is false and misleading. Marriage isn't about proving anything, and if it is then you're starting off your marriage on the wrong foot which is potentially very dangerous and destructive. Proving your love or commitment actually isn't about your love or commitment to your partner, it's about issues you have with other people either specifically or generally and your need to feel accepted or approved. And if getting married isn't truly about your love and commitment to your partner, then you shouldn't be getting married at all.

You see, I slowly came to the realisation that if you strip away all the fluff from the institution of marriage (and the wedding stuff) it comes down to one thing.

You. I choose you. I choose you to share my life with. To grow old with. To be my partner, my lover and my best friend, my confidant and my co-conspirator. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I will always love you and hope you will always love me too. And as a symbol of this, I will sign this bit of paper. It says that I choose you. And you choose me.

Everything else is gravy...