after the high must come...

the low. it's here. i knew it would eventually pop up and BAMMO. it's like while i slept my brain decided to throw itself a pity party and today i'm left picking up the pieces. the old me would have wallowed in the pity, indulged all the self-loathing, and retreated from the world believing it all to be conspired against me. after all, when things go wrong, it's just confirmation of the fact that i'm not good enough and i'm not supposed to do well in life, right?!?... and all those thoughts are still hanging around, almost tangible as if i could reach out and touch those feelings. a big part of me wants to give up. a big part of me feels i am a big fat failure. a big part of me hates myself. but a little voice inside says NO. i don't want to let life beat me, i want to fight, i want to keep perspective, i want to achieve! which is bizarre, because that little voice is fairly new to me. i've always managed to muddle through these lows, but my sense of self-worth and belief always takes a knocking and takes a long time to recover, only to get knocked around again the next time. vicious cycle really. i'm really not sure what to do with this new voice. i know it's there, and that in itself is a pleasing thought. but i have no idea what to do next, how to push the darkness and hopelessness away and let that voice take over. i feel like i need to end this post on a positive, but i'm just not sure where to go from here... i'm not sure whether to have a day off from study and have a 'be kind to myself' day, or whether to try and be really productive with study to boost my morale... sigh. this grown up thing is not all it's cracked up to be.